Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Facing the monster
Cadbury:
Well, I haven't updated for a while - so here goes...
I take my darling boy to see his Tithead sperm donor on a Saturday morning from 9-10. I stay in the room as I wouldn't trust Tithead with him. It is excruciating as I have to listen to him talk about himself, make inappropriate comments to me and generally be disgusting and lecherous. I hate every second, but am gradually getting better at not showing him how much I hate it.
At Christmas he had presents for me, my two girls and our son. I only took the presents for our son. I told him it was inappropriate for him to have got the others. He says I am being ridiculous and that he cannot take them back. I told him that was his problem, not mine. He left the price labels on all the presents he got our 7 month old baby. He has tried to give me my present in lieu of money once since Christmas and now they are left (still wrapped) right in front of the chair I sit in when I go there. I ignore them. I bring a book with me now and make a pretense of reading it (of course I am too tense to actually get anywhere, but he doesn't know that). He tries to talk anyway, but I generally ignore him.
I am doing okay at being distant, but it is difficult.When I am not talking to him he talks to the baby. "Does mummy feed you too much?" " Does mummy pick you up as soon as you whinge?" " Is mummy spoiling you?"... I am getting better at ignoring that too.
I hate that I am stuck with him, I hate that I have to try and fight for my son's sanity against a system that does nothing to recognise this man for what he is. Every site on NPD I have looked at he hits every single criteria, not just one or two. I am working flat out at my PhD to get qualified as fast as I can in the hope I can move away. Because my job is specialised I am hoping I will stand a good chance of being able to prove I have to move for work. Still, that is at least two years away.
The good thing is that in July the judge ordered him to provide medical evidence by August 26th - he still hasn't which is a direct breach of the court order. I am hoping that will go against him. As it is we are due back at mediation soon. My standpoint is going to be that he provides the medical evidence or we go back to court.
Unmitigated hate going strong!!
Thank you all again for your support and apologies for not updating this sooner, but I have been finding it hard to find the words sometimes.
Healing&Hopeful:
Wow Cadbury, I'm so impressed with your determination and strength.
I love the idea of reading a book. Ok, you may not be reading it... but it's all about appearances anyway with him isn't it?
Fingers crossed him not handing his medical in on time goes against him.... and good luck Cadbury. I'm inspired by how well you keep your boundaries in place.
Best wishes
H&H xx
Cadbury:
Thanks H&H!
My boudaries aren't always so good! I had to gear myself up for the Christmas presents by thinking of any scenario first ad planning how to react. I was shaking like a leaf when I left the house. You all know how it goes - it was MY fault for being so rude/ignorant/ungrateful as to refuse HIS presents. The worst part is that to an outsider it may also look a little over the top, but they don't know what he's like.
I have to almost pretend to be a different person in order to be as cool and distant as I need to be with him. I find I have an almost constant dialogue going on in my head throughout each visit to work my way through all of the things he is saying. One of the biggest tricks I have learned is to give mysef plenty of time before I respond to him. Then I pick one person in my life who I know to be normal and gauge how insane he is being by their (imagined) reaction. This works for me, because I know that others are (and have always been) immune to any charm I seemed to see. For example:
TH (holding son): He's perfect isn't he
Me: Yes
TH: So we did do something right then?
I struggled trying to answer this, and then realised that it was NOT NORMAL to ask such a thing.
Me: What kind of a question is that?
TH: I was just asking a perfectly normal question
Me: I don't think so at all.
*End of discussion, head back in book*
So it is a fight every single time to stay in control of things, but I try and try and hopefully one day it won't feel like I am trying so much.
Thank you again!
Portia:
Hiya Cadbury. What a way you’ve come! Give yourself a big piece of praise (or maybe even a big piece of chocolate).
About this trying to work out if something they say isn’t normal: these days I think: “Would I ever say that to someone?” and it generally works. Can you imagine yourself saying “so we did something right?” unless you were trying to be manipulative?
Hope it might work for you too. And you’re doing great :D
Cadbury:
Thanks Portia... that is good advice too. It is true... no one would say the things he says....
:)
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