Facing the monster

[Cadbury]

This is a different topic to my other post, so I started a new thread.

My ex has asked to see my son this coming Saturday. After refusing the contact centre for four months he has now suddenly said he would like to see him. I only have 3 days to prepare myself and I cannot stop shaking.

He has only seen our son for 3 1/2 hours since he was born and every time I have hated seeing him touch him. I can't talk to other people about this as they don't understand NPD. They all think that I should make a huge effort for the sake of my son. They don't understand that my ex is not normal. He doesn't react how any normal person would to anything. Even when he does the most God awful things he expects them to be forgotten as they didn't mean anything to him.

He went to the police after the first court hearing didn't go his way. He told them that I had been seriously abused by my father as a child and he was worried that the abuse would continue to my children. He told them he had seen my father abuse me recently. He told them that I couldn't have sex unless he pretended to rape me and that I would call him Daddy afterwards. This was his proof that his concerns were genuine. None of it was true!! Then he expects me, after I had to be interrogated by the police on these accusations, to get over it as he only did it because he was hurting.

He doesn't care about our son, he does everything as a power trip. The only present he has bought him was a stuffed bear that he recorded his own voice in.

What am I going to do? Why is it that this shi@@y excuse for a sperm donor gets so many rights when he deserves none? I have no qualms about the rights of genuine fathers, but he is bad through and through. I just want to take my son far away and never let him see him.Oh God, I feel awful... why do I have to go through this for the rest of my life? One mistake (meeting my ex) and I have to put up with him forever. I just want to keep my son safe.

Sorry, but I have no one to share this with who will understand....

[Brigid]

I'm so sorry, Cadbury  .  I'm sure this must be very painful and scary for you.  I really don't have any practical advice for you as I don't know how the courts and custody works across the pond, but know that I keep you and your baby boy in my prayers and hope you can keep him away from the sh*%%y sperm donor.

Hugs,

Brigid 

[miss piggy]

Hi Cadbury,

I don't really have any advice but wanted to let you know I'm out here reading your posts and wishing you the best.  Can you have a trusted friend along when X comes over?  just a thought. maybe there's no one you want to put that through...can you hire a big burly bodyguard?? 

I know how it is to want to protect your children.  My SIL is pretty scary.  Like the ghost librarian in Ghostbusters who turns into a huge banshee when p!ssed off.    I don't see her anymore and when I did, I wouldn't leave my children alone with her.  But I had a little more control because they were mine, not hers (although she didn't think so...I tell you, she's out there!).  I'm still amazed that people listen to her when she spews her venom.

Enough about me.  Just please brainstorm all the ways to cope that you possibly can.  (Geez, I'm just not very helpful today.  I'm sorry!   )  Chin up Cadbury.  We're with you.  MP

[Hopalong]

Dear Cadbury,
I don't know what a Contact Center is but it sounds like a place where you needn't fear for your safety. I hope that's so. I don't have any practical notions either but the one thing that crosses my mind is that I remember reading somewhere about Ns that if you basically underreact and nearly ignore them, they soon lose interest. I can imagine it's terribly hard to disguise your distress, but maybe if you can aim for a very calm facade and try not to let him detect your feelings, he'll tire of the game.

I sure hope so. Meanwhile, every possible nourishing/shielding thing to you and your son... Small comfort for now, I am sure, but I will hold you in my thoughts.

Hopalong

[mudpuppy]

Hi Cadbury,

We all make mistakes and have to face the consequences. And sometimes those consequences can be pretty tough around an N.

But just look at all the women here who have raised great kids despite having an N mixed up in their lives.
You can get through anything for your little guy and you'll be stronger because of it.
I'll keep praying his 'father' finds something else to divert his attention and leaves you two alone.

Maybe he'll meet a rabid dog on the way over to see you.    
Of course if a rabid dog bit him the dog would probably croak.

You'll be OK. You're stronger than him, way stronger.

mud

[Marta]

The only present he has bought him was a stuffed bear that he recorded his own voice in.

OMG, what an N!!!!!!

Cadbury, so sorry at what he put you through. Police incident sounds so humiliating and hurtful. Of course we understand that you don't want the sperm donor to be around your son, for he is simply using the child for his own gratification. Its a good thing you left him before the baby was born. I hope that you get sole full custody of the child.

Love, Marta

[October]

This is a different topic to my other post, so I started a new thread.

My ex has asked to see my son this coming Saturday. After refusing the contact centre for four months he has now suddenly said he would like to see him. I only have 3 days to prepare myself and I cannot stop shaking.

Sorry if this sounds too simplistic, but why not say no?  Tell him that you already have plans for this weekend, and that if he wants to see your son he has to give you two weeks notice, preferably in writing.

That is only fair, because you deserve to be able to plan your life, and not drop everything just because he decides on a whim that actually he has nothing better to do this weekend, so he might as well see the baby.

Forget what anyone tells you about the 'shoulds' of fathers and sons.  Follow your instincts.  It looks to me as if they are telling you loud and clear that this is not right.  So don't do it.   

[Cadbury]

Well, contact will be happening on Saturday at 1pm. I am scared, but I know it will have to happen sooner or later so best get it over with.

October : the contact was ordained by a judge in July. I have been on Standby on a Saturday afternoon ever since. This is just the first time he has taken it up. It is crappy, but what can I do? I wish I could say no, that is what all my instincts want to do, but I can't. Thank you for the idea though

Marta, Mudpuppy, Hopalong,Miss Piggy and Brigid : I haven't got time for a "proper" response to each of you ( I hate not doing that, it seems rude) so I wanted to thank you for your support, it helps so much. I will reply in more detail as soon as I can.

In the mean time, do any of you have any suggestions on how best to cope with him? At the moment I am leaning towards distant politeness to keep him happy enough that he doesn't get angry, but also may encourage him to lose interest faster? What do you think?

[Hopalong]

I think your instincts are excellent. Distant politeness sounds perfect.
Good luck with the visit. I think without the "negative attention" of your visible distress, he'll get less out of the visit than he's hoping. Distant politeness is really, really unpleasant for Narcissists.

You're a tiger.
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

For me this is interesting to read as I'm assuming my Mum went through the same things.  She wouldn't have him in the house and refused to talk to him unless she absolutely had to.  Dad got access one Saturday a fortnight but he made sure he came every saturday, never on time, and probably because he caused more distress for everyone concerned.  He did think he had "rights" to me though, however he didn't want to do anything to back it up, if that makes any sense.

My advice would be to get your boundaries clear in your head.  Get the time clear how long you want him to be there, say half an hour to an hour, then arrange something with a friend.  Tell him this beforehand so he knows how much time he has, then if he's late it's his problem, whatever blame he tries to put on you.  Make your boundaries and keep them.

I wish you all the best hon.... big hugs... H&H xx

[Sela]

Dear Cadbury:

Hang on tight to your dignity.  Hold your head up and go in there knowing that he is simply manipulating (or trying to) to look "good" (for the court).  Saturday will be over soon.

I will pray that the judge has common sense enough to ask himself why this "father" hasn't bothered to take advantage of visiting his child before now??? and to recognize how "bad through and through" he really is.

The court must be paying some attention or they would not have ordered the "contact centre" visits.  No doubt he will come up with excuses but they will only go so far for any sensible, mindful judge.  After that.......his real colours will be obvious and his rights will be limited or terminated (without the need of rabid dogs ).

Sela

[October]

Well, contact will be happening on Saturday at 1pm. I am scared, but I know it will have to happen sooner or later so best get it over with.

October : the contact was ordained by a judge in July. I have been on Standby on a Saturday afternoon ever since. This is just the first time he has taken it up. It is crappy, but what can I do? I wish I could say no, that is what all my instincts want to do, but I can't. Thank you for the idea though

I support your decision fully, of course.  Just make sure you don't get steamrollered like this too many times.  It is not good.  He is pulling your strings.  I would try to establish some boundaries to this kind of thing.  You cannot possibly sit each week wondering whether or not he is going to turn up.  Perhaps you could ask the judge about the 2 weeks notice thing, given how many times you have been let down?

I am taking my daughter to see her father on Saturday too (yes, he is still alive).     Too drained to write too much about it, but I will be thinking of you. 

[mia]

Cadbury

So sorry to hear your pain.

I have found that it's best for all involved to act as phony as the N when placed in close proximity.

The visit will be over before you know it. 

You're a good Mom and I have faith that your child will be fine.

Best wishes.
Mia

[mum]

Cadbury, don't be afraid. Your baby will not suddenly bond with this Nidiot stranger. Your baby will not be hurt by this in any way.
Since this is at the contact center (I assume) then you will not be leaving your child unsupervised with this moron.
I know the fear, but you are far more of a force than this GNAT of a "man". 
(on the side, can't you get an order for NO CONTACT with this guy because he pulled that horrifying stunt with the police?...just a thought.)
In the meantime....take all the advice here....it's all good. Act cool, professional ( YOU are the parent, not him) and in control. Won't be hard to do, as you are all these things, and he is not). Phony works....dignified works....
remember, all is well, you are a wonderful mom!
And imagine ALL of US with you, right behind you....angel wings....(really pissed off angels, with tons of power) Thats what you have with you.

[vunil]

I have not been in this situation, but friends of mine who have say that the key is to make it tough for the  N person to see the kid without making clear that you are setting the boundaries.  In other words, make him make an effort without any payoff, keeping in mind that he gets lot of payoff from "winning" games he makes up in his head. If you seem to be telling him what to do, he may like to rebel against you and get N supply from that.

This has worked for folks I know-- they use the courts or "circumstance" or whatever to make the N work hard to see the kids.  They also make sure the kids are not at their angelic best for the visit-- this is easy to do (I realize now, as a parent!) by scheduling-- all kids have fussy times of the day.  In other words, emphasize the hard part of parenting, not the fun part.  He will run away faster than you can say "selfish bastard."  Parenting probably seems glamourous to him (and he probably REALLY likes making you mad/winning over you and trying to look good to authorities).  Instead of blatantly fighting him, try joining him in the parenting, complete with diaper changes (I forget the age of your child...), screaming tantrums, etc.  Try to schedule his visits at really inconvenient times, like Saturday night around dinner time.

Just some covert ideas.  He sounds awful.  Can you document the ridiculous stuff he has done/does?