fallout...

[mum]

Hey, there. I thought people here might have some ideas on this.

My wedding reception was at my brother and sister in laws house.  It was wonderful, for everyone, really, except my SIL who was angry throughout and made no bones about that. 

When she offered (insisted) on holding it at her home, I had no idea that it came with heavy strings, like "do it my way" and "give me total control".  Well, my (now) husband and I don't have the kind of money to do it "her way" (she just spent my poor brother into a huge hole with the "wedding of the century" for their daughter a few months back), so we said "no" to a lot of her expensive suggestions. We did concede on several, it being her house and all, but the ONE thing she was drilling us on, actually did not work out they way anyone intended, and I am not sure she will ever stop being angry.

The friends of my sister, who were to do clean up, actually misunderstood and  just did set up and then left.
Now, the rest of my family and friends who were there thought this was no big deal and just started pitching in, (it was NOT a large wedding...) and all that needed to be done was barely rinse the dishes and put them back in the caterer's boxes and other little clean up things (which my husband I did later that evening).
Actually my good friends told her "PLEASE let us do this", but I think she WANTED to be angry....or be "right" or something,so she stormed around cleaning up and huffing.  My other siblings chipped in happily, saying they were all too happy to help.  Later I found out a few more things, like she told my husband some of the wine he bought was "inadequate" and she sent my sister's husband to the store for something else during the reception (he did!!). She also scolded my new stepdaughter for taking "too many cookies" as those were "for the guests"...(wish I had been there for that one!!)

Anyway, this SIL's energy sorta soured things a bit, and my kids did not get to see their cousins again before we left, as it was clear any trace of my wedding needed to be GONE from her house (and frankly, I didn't want to be around that energy).

I just learned, that my brother (her husband) may have Parkinsons.  Nobody told me that (don't blame them) and their basement was flooding as well (I knew that) because of all the rain. My brother was gracious and didn't want me to concern myself with anything... but now I see that her anger is not really about me and my wedding so much.

I wrote them a  very nice thank you note, included a gift certificate to a wonderful restaurant, but I just wonder what to do next. OR do I just ignore the "big baby crying in the corner" (HER words, used once in regards to my ex husband).
I did nothing to intentionally hurt her. 
I realize that even though she is my sister in law, in the past few years, as I get healthier, I find myself having less and less to talk to her about, as she likes to talk about people in a negative way, which I am not fond of doing (triangles are BAAAD, IMO).

So.....just forget about it?  Write her a letter.....or just drop it?

[Plucky]

Hi mum,
sounds like things went ok even though the N was in the house.  Best wishes!
You've already written a letter.   If anything, you might want to say that you really appreciate her going through with it, given all that was happening.  Then be supportive, as long as it does not detract from you energy to build your new marriage and blended family.
If it does, just be cold-blooded and cut her loose.  You have important priorities you have waited decades to address. 
She sounds as if she is well on the way to elder N-hood.  I think my mother is going through the same process.  Stress accelerates it. 
In case it is not obvious, you did not do anything wrong, and you made heroic efforts to get along with her.   Do not apologise for any choices you made for your, I repeat, YOUR reception.  Don't let any wierd vibe attach itself to your new life.  Don't start out apologising for the wonderful celebration or trying to make amends for following your own hearts.
Plucky

[write]

Ignore her!

I'm sure you and new-h have better things to do....

As you said, some people are always looking for something to be angry about. You'll be able to help other ways later when her husband gets more sick ( no doubt she'll be pretty cross about that too )

But most of all-

CONGRATULATIONS, I wish you much love and happiness.

[Marta]

Mum,

Congratulations!!!!

As for SIL, the only gift that would make her happy is a potful of guilt on your part, so don't worry about pleasing her. The wedding was supposed to be about you, not about her. Yikes about cookies and stepchild. How infuriating! I have learnt not to accept gifts from Ns, there is always a trap, the more invisible it is, the more loaded it is likely to be. Sorry about your brother's Parkinsons diagnosis.

now I see that her anger is not really about me and my wedding so much.

Hmmm. This is not clear to me. It takes a certain kind of a person to behave like this, and express her anger in this particular way, it just can't happen because she was under stress. When I am under stress, I may get p**ed at my partner for asking me to watch an Arnold movie or ignore him, but I don't ruin his birthday, or tell him he must wear the new red tie I bought to his interview.

Marta

[Brigid]

Mum,
I'm sorry about your brother's diagnosis.  I think you have done what you need to do by sending the thank-you note and gife certificate, and I don't think belaboring it will improve the situation.  Who knows why she was so angry--it could be a variety of things, or just her personality. I would let it go, be supportive of your brother's situation (which you would do anyway), and concentrate on your new blended family.

Congratulations, again 

Brigid

[vunil]

I agree with everyone else-- you've done enough.  Weddings make people nutty and it is possible and maybe even likely she'll become normal again now and even have some guilt over how she acted.  I have seen really reasonable person behave in similar ways to your SIL at weddings, rearranging things, crying over the cake icing, worrying about the lipstick the bridesmaids are wearing, whatever.  Too many projections or fantasies or something come colliding in weddings, I guess (not that I really know not having ever had one!).  You can't particularly address anything with her because it is utterly unclear what she is so upset about.  I agree with you she is probably about to break right now with stress in her own life and just acted out.  Somehow being in control of hostess type stuff is a big issue with some women (I think I have that a little myself, and I'm not that girly)-- wanting things in your own home to be flawless.  It's silly but we must get it from Martha Stewart or something.

The important thing is you had a lovely time and you have a lovely man ! 

[daylily]

Hi Mum,

Congratulations!  And don't let what happened sour the memory of the day for you.  You have been gracious and generous with the note and gift certificate, and it is now her turn to put whatever-it-was behind her.  Perhaps, in time, you could approach her with an offer to talk about how she's dealing with her husband's illness, but even so, I would let a little time pass.  It was obviously a fairly stress day for her, and I think it might be best just to believe that she did the best she could, under the circumstances, and move on to the most important thing--your life with your new husband.

best,
daylily

[Hopalong]

Mum,
You did it just right, all of it. Your SIL's pain and temper belong to her. That's one wedding "gift" you don't have to accept. Your letter and gift certificate were not only adequate they were just right.

Just love yourself, your new life, your brother.

It's hard to know that sometimes we are just fine. We did the right thing. The fact that there could be infinite variations on "what the EXACT right thing" is, can become a place for self-torture. Has been for me anyway.

Nothing is perfect but many, many things can be right.

Much joy and peace to you newlyweds,
Hopalong

[mum]

See? This is what I like about this board. Lots of smart, caring people. Thanks for your responses and the good wishes.
And for the sympathy toward my wonderful brother.  He is only in his mid fifties.  It's mild right now. I am still not suppose to "know" really...when he is ready he will tell me (another sibling told me).

Don't let any wierd vibe attach itself to your new life.

You are so right, Plucky. Thank you. This makes complete sense to me. It's my choice.

Ignore her!
I'm sure you and new-h have better things to do....

Thanks, Write...very funny, and actually yes, we do...like running up the cell phone bills and travel credit cards for another 8 or 9 months until we can actually live together!!!!

Bingo, Marta!

Hmmm. This is not clear to me. It takes a certain kind of a person to behave like this, and express her anger in this particular way, it just can't happen because she was under stress. When I am under stress, I may get p**ed at my partner for asking me to watch an Arnold movie or ignore him, but I don't ruin his birthday, or tell him he must wear the new red tie I bought to his interview.

You have such a great way of describing things. I agree, this is not how I would respond to stress either. My sister, who pitched in like you wouldn't believe, keep telling me throughout how much she loved me, how happy she was for me, how happy she was to be doing something for me.....THATS love.  I guess blood relations and all...(although when I read things on this board sometimes, I'm sure that isn't the case all the time...)

I don't think belaboring it will improve the situation.

This is true, Brigid. So I won't waste more time on it.

Weddings make people nutty

Yeah, Vunil, this is true...

Too many projections

This really makes sense...she is the QUEEN of projection and control now that I think about it. What was I thinking, having it at her house (which is a georgeous home of course.) What's so funny, is that she approached it like all her chi-chi wealthy friends would be attending that she needed to impress, but the truth is, our friends are extremely down to earth (even the few self made multi millionaires we know) and none of them would even care about the "perfect wine" etc.

You can't particularly address anything with her because it is utterly unclear what she is so upset about.

As for SIL, the only gift that would make her happy is a potful of guilt on your part, so don't worry about pleasing her.

This EXACTLY sums it up. She NEVER spoke to me directly about her feelings. Like a child, she stormed around, making snide and rude comments with a facial expression of total superiority and smug anger, but she NEVER expressed her feelings to me, for me to adress.  Like she wants me to "figure it out" or go begging for...what? She has expressed her dipleasure to others, (the whole talk behind your back thing) and certainly it was apparent with her behavoir while we were there, but even my siblings will not pass exactly what she says directly, as they seem to get how toxic and destructive it would be to do so.  Her hallmark has been to be devisive in our family (talk badly about one sibling to another), and I think more and more of us are trying to ignore this and not pass it on. I need to follow the lead of my siblings and just let it die.

Congratulations!  And don't let what happened sour the memory of the day for you.  You have been gracious and generous with the note and gift certificate, and it is now her turn to put whatever-it-was behind her.  Perhaps, in time, you could approach her with an offer to talk about how she's dealing with her husband's illness, but even so, I would let a little time pass.  It was obviously a fairly stress day for her, and I think it might be best just to believe that she did the best she could, under the circumstances, and move on to the most important thing--your life with your new husband.

Thank you Daylily. Beautifully put.  Just right.

Your SIL's pain and temper belong to her.

That's one wedding "gift" you don't have to accept.

Wow, nail on the head, hopalong. Thank you.

The fact that there could be infinite variations on "what the EXACT right thing" is, can become a place for self-torture.

Wonderful....this applies just EVERYWHERE. Thank you!!!

Thanks for letting me process this here. You are all wonderful.

[Healing&Hopeful]

First of all Congratulations... it's a wonderful feeling, being a newlywed and you have the added delight of a blended family.  I wish you all every happiness for the future.

I agree with the others, ignor her and concentrate on your own future.  Weddings can bring out all sort of things and for some reason can really bring out the worst in people.  However, if you did want to do more, have you asked why she is angry?

I hope your brother will have many years of reprieve before this illness gets a hold of him.

Take care

H&H xx