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Xmas Advice

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grossgirl:
Okay, I have a situation I could use some advice on. In an attempt to have a good xmas and better learn how to deal with me N parents I need to get this off my chest.

Last friday night my father left me a drunk vmail telling me that I was a bitch (just like my mother) and that now that I have material for my book (I am writing a memoir about the effects my sister's murder has had on my life) I have abandoned him and that I should fuck off.  All this after I spent four months nursing him back to health after he had a brain aneorism in April (he almost died).  I thought he was better, he was better, but out of the blue because he was having problems he laid his trip on me, yet again.

Then, my mother told me that she is not coming home (i.e., she lives out state) for xmas.  Here is her reason:

"I won't be coming back for Christmas, between trying to work out the
work thing and the air fares are ridiculous."  Although she said, without question she'd be back.  Later, she admitted the real reason, "<her boyfriend> doesn't do Christmas never has, so we have no
plans."  

I expressed my disappointment because when my dad was sick she told me, point blank, "I don't care if your father lives or dies" this is when it was touch and go.  We launched into a fight, she later said that I could "shove it up your ass."  Nice talk.

Now I told her I may be unable to go to my aunt's (her sister's) for xmas eve (my mother in law is all alone this year and my husband and I are choosing to have dinner with her this year since my mother's family all have one another and would hopefully understand that, for the first time in my life, I do something else on the holiday).  Here is my mother's response:

" I will be honest and say I am really disappointed that you won't be able to make Christmas Eve, I know everyone was looking forward to seeing you and spending it with you."

My reply:
"I don't fully understand why you would be disappointed as you will not
be there either.  To be honest, it is very appealing for me to have a
low-key holiday and since <my mother in law> is not going back to Arizona we thought it would be nice to spend it with her (and since she was going to be totally alone otherwise).  I would hope everyone can understand that."

Her reply:
You were confused as to why I would be disappointed it is because they will be sad and confused why it isn't natural for you to want to be with them. This is just my honest feeling. Mother told me last night that she baked the cookies and sure hoped <your husband> would be there with you. I said nothing. I think people put to much pressure on trying to do everything within the season, I tried to make it happen and it  just didn't make financial and within my work situation sense (my mother, brother and sister have totally understood why I am not coming back). You are there and it would have been nice if you and <your husband> could have gone."

My reply:
"What do you mean not natural for me to see my family?  That's not a very understanding thing for you to say.  I don't feel the need to further explain myself to you  nor should you do the same."

So, anyone have some words of advice?  I don't want this to bother me and somehow taint my holiday.

Oh, and I forgave my father, after he apologized, but that is still stinging.  He told me he felt abandoned by me, yet he totally disregarded the fact that my memoir is also my master's thesis which I need to finish by the end of January to graduate in May.  "Oh, that's a part of it?"  Thanks for paying attention. Oh, yeah, impossible.  

Any survival advice you may have would be great.

KateW:
I think you have done all the right things by standing up to both of your N parents. You are doing the right thing by spending it with your mother-in-law who would otherwise be alone. If your mom can't understand that, then that is her issue. And good for you saying you didn't think you needed to further explain yourself!

grossgirl:
Thanks for the advice!  The thing about standing up is I always end up feeling bad, wishing my parents could act the way I see my friends parents treat them.  I grieve over what I have never had and it makes me sad.  I have to learn how to have zero expectations of them, that way I never get hurt.  Urgh.

Anonymous:
I can completely relate to how you are feeling. It's so hard to not feel bad. One thing I'm learning is you just can't change a person (for me, my N Mom). If she reacts to something, I have to realize it's a deficiency in her, not me, and I can't expect that she will ever change. What is important to build other supportive relationships. It's frustrating because, like you said, you want her to treat you how your other friends' parents do. For me, I wish my mom would treat me like my mother-in-law does - she's the sweetest, most selfless understanding mom ever. But, I have to realize that my mom is how she is, and I can't change her. I can only cope. What helps is to separate yourself from the behavior of the person. Last time we had a huge confrontation because I finally stood up for myself, I was laughing to myself because the things she says are so irrational. And now, as an adult, I can see that. When you're younger it's not so easy. Good for you in what you're doing - don't let them make you feel bad!

KateW:
That was me in the last post - whoops can't quite get this login figured out
 :lol:

KateW

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