Oh Spyralle! My poor poor Spyralle!
What hell you are going through! I can't help but feel relieved for you for putting a stop to this promotion... I think it's wise... I really think you can't afford to do anything for anybody else right now. I think you need to conserve your energy for yourself. It sounds like you were taking too much on. You just
have to stop and have some peace so you can deal with the more important things you are going through on a deeper level... that is what is important right now. You cannot take on a work load like you describe unless you are in a good place mentally. You are dealing with so much! Take it easy on yourself!
As the song goes... "I'm not made of brick, I'm not made of stone...I'm only human on the inside..." (Chrissie Hynde-The Pretenders)
I think you are forgetting that being in therapy is very very very painful- this is what is making you feel like shit, you are facing very scary things. You are suffering great losses and digging up old hurts. You are in a dark dark place, but you are coming through. It's part of the journey out. Be courageous!
With regards to Mr Hippy, what's so bad about having him in your life? Hey, it takes two to tango! It sounds like you have been honest and open with him, he knows where the door is, let him decide what he wants to do. If he wants to hang around, why deny yourself someone nice? a shoulder to cry on? Someone who will take you away to Brighton or wherever you guys went by the sea. Sounds to me like he is a God send. Just take it a day at a time. It may or may not lead to anything serious, but he is in your life now. I kinda think it's nice that you have attracted a nice, caring, gentle, understanding person. Jesus, he could have been another parasite like that creep you were with before. I think it's a good thing.
Spyralle, it's natural to crave your ex. Do not beat yourself up for this. Everything collapsed when he left and you probably associate his departure with the onslaught of this turmoil... it's easy to get caught up in the confusion and to think having him back can ease your pain.
Right now, I think you need to try to nurture yourself. Get rid of the work strain. Get away from those horrible animals you work with and have some peace. Start treating yourself well... please!!!!
Keep posting Spyralle, we are all rooting for you...
xx Selkie xx
