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Mom's coming to visit - so many feelings and guilt... help

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Anonymous:
Kate,

My suggestion is: yes, go and visit your mom FOR THE DAY. If your sister starts acting up, LEAVE. They have to realize that you demand a baseline of respect. If you don't get that you will leave, period. Your husband can't deal with your mother, so keeping  them apart is probably optimal. My mother is hurt every time I leave to go home -- yet she doesn't lock the door on me the next time I come over. Your mom won't either.

bunny

KateW:
Thanks for all of your advice. My mom didn't end up coming down - I know this wasn't the right thing to do, but I told her we weren't feelnig well. Should have just been honest and said SHE didn't make me feel well :lol:  I did end up going there for the day (thanks to Bunny) last weekend (without my husband because he can't stand going up there). She did try to be on her best behavior.  But, get this. She gave us a nice cookware set for Christmas. I got home, showed it to my husband, who loves to cook. He called her, trying to be nice, and said that we had cancelled our plans for that night because we wanted to stay home and cook with the new cookware. She told him she was sure he was "just saying that". When I got on the phone with her after my husband talked to her, she said that "Todd is such a bullshitter" and "I'm sure he's just saying that". Of course I coudn't confront her because he was standing right there and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Why do N's feel a need to attack spouses?? Just when I feel things are heading in the right direction after setting boundaries for Christmas. By the way, I called her Christmas Day to say Merry Christmas and she had to say how "disappointed" she was with the way the holidays turned out and how she still couldn't believe I spent Christmas with my dad, and that she thought that I would want to spend the holidays with her because she was supposed to be dead from cancer two years ago! (she's in remission). It's amazing how she only thinks about herself.

Anonymous:
Dear Kate,
I haven't read through all the posts but did read you last one.  You mentioned that you were feeling guilty for telling your mom you weren't feeling well.  Don't.  Sometimes you have to take care of yourself in a way that does not cause hurtful backlash from the N.  You could have been talking about my mother.  When things don't work out the way my mother wants them to she feels slighted somehow (remember the N does not empathize).  When she feels slighted the only way she can recover her 'ego damage' is to (excuse me) crap on someone - and N's are very proficient at hurting - going for the jugular.  So she attacks your husband's character knowing it's ultimately a put down of you.  I have a lifetime of experience in knowing how that feels - awful.  We, the children of these folks have been trained to deny our own needs and take care of the N.  If your mom spent even one tenth of the energy that you spend considering her feelings, worrying about how you were feeling, your life would be very different.  Take care of yourself. Pat

Anonymous:
----She told him she was sure he was "just saying that". When I got on the phone with her after my husband talked to her, she said that "Todd is such a bullshitter" and "I'm sure he's just saying that".


Ignore this crap and enjoy the cookware!

bunny

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