Totally confused about who or what I am....

[spyralle]

i am in a bad emotional state right now and I don't even know how to start or what to say.  I am getting on with my life.  It has been four months now since my ex left me and stole not only the money but my self respect and self belief.  It's the betrayal that gets me now though....  I can see the theory of narcisscism and I understand how it all came to be.  I am in therapy working hard on the way I am, but there is something missing...

i have started seeing a guy from work.  Very different to my ex.  He is kind and gentle very intelligent, empathic and caring and is also fun.  I have slept with him now and it was everything it should be.  No aggression, no depravity just love.  I shouldn't be in this relationship though because I simply can't do it.  I can't do love with a genuine person I have one foot in and one foot ready to run as fast as I can..... but on the other  hand I have nowhere to go as I am terrified of being alone.

The more loving and intimate it becomes the more I want to make him hate me.  i am getting to the point where I am so angry I am just going to start smashing things.  I feel like I am mad and totally out of control.  My ex is still in my head day and night and it just torments me.  This might sound like a load of disjointed rubbish but that is how I feel right now.  I have real bad issues with intimacy and I don't know where they come from.  Therapy I guess is helping me look at this but every time my therapist goes anywhere near anything to do with the subject I just switch off.  Any time I feel like the nice guy makes contact with me and I start to feel back I go into self destruct mode.  I shouldn't be seeing him.  It isn't fair on him.  I am so terrified of being on my own that I can't stand it.

Meanwhile the split side of me goes off to work and has been promoted and is drowning.  I can't keep it all up much longer.  Maybe I am just having a bad day I don't know, but I have nowhere to go with this and I have to get it out of my system....  I am so desperate to be a normal person with strong boundaries who knows her own worth but I just can't do it.  No matter how I try.  I am craving to see my ex or even go and stay with my mother for a week.  I guess I am without someone abusive in my life and because of this I am totally lost.  And Boy do I feel lost.  I feel like I am just wandering around making contacts here and there but totally disconnected to everything, even myself.  My world has become this sort of lunar landscape where nothing can stimulate me or connect with me.

I'm sorry to just throw this in here but I don'k know how to deal with this at all.  On the outside I am doing OK.  People think I have moved on.  I feel like I am going backwards in slow motion.  I keep trying to put on the brakes and go forward again but it's impossible......

Spyralle

[Mati]

Hi spyralle

I think that you have made a very good move by admitting the pain you are feeling and coming out and telling others here. I am sure that you will receive much help.

I really understand your fear of being alone. I had been there for 32 years, going quickly from one bad relationship to three in all (two were marriages) with no break in between.  I deeply regret now, not having a time of healing after the first one, like a couple of years to really sort my head out. But I did not see how mixed up I was until at last having a break this time after leaving my nh nearly two years ago. I had to face that demon and it has been so hard. I have been in therapy since April and boy has it got worse! Everything in my life jumped up and bit me in the ****.

But as time goes on, I am seeing things clearer and clearer and am at last gaining understanding about why my life has been as it has, and instead of shame and guilt, am seeing that I am actually a survivor of a great amount of abuse and the things that have caused me most shame, were actually totally understandable considering the damage that was done to me.

I got myself into a very small support group, and through them, I am building up my first healthy relationship of freindship with a woman who is 73, and who has come through a lot of healing herself, and we are learning between us what it is to have a 50/50 friendship. I know that I will not be ready for a romantic relationship for some time yet, and I will only accept one if it works right from the start and the man is not emotionally sick, or looking for a woman who is emotionally sick and vulnerable. It must be true love this time otherwise I will stay on my own. I have learnt how to be alone and it gets better all of the time as I find different ways to cope, like my plans for Christmas this year. I am going to Ireland and spending it in a hostel with strangers rather then be alone in my flat, and I am sure that I will enjoy it, seeing as how I love the Irish. I am sick and unable to work, and it is so hard to cope alone but boy am I glad that I did it and faced my demons at last. I have found that if one steps out and is determined to heal, then God or the universe brings to us the things that we need in order for it to happen. Sometimes I thought that this was not happening but I see that I needed plenty of space to concentrate on me. My whole life I had been concentrating on others, and trying to help them but it was me that needed help. I have bad days still but I know that I am getting there now, and last week found another avenue of help in a phone line for incest victims, which has been good.

So spyralle, it will be tough but I do believe that being alone is the only way out and the relationship you have got into is too much for you and if the man is really decent, he will understand when you say that you have to step back it is too fast for you and change it to friendship only until you see whether you need to even stop that for a while. 

[Healing&Hopeful]

I shouldn't be in this relationship though because I simply can't do it.  I can't do love with a genuine person I have one foot in and one foot ready to run as fast as I can..... but on the other  hand I have nowhere to go as I am terrified of being alone.

The more loving and intimate it becomes the more I want to make him hate me.  i am getting to the point where I am so angry I am just going to start smashing things.  I feel like I am mad and totally out of control.  My ex is still in my head day and night and it just torments me.  This might sound like a load of disjointed rubbish but that is how I feel right now. 

I am so desperate to be a normal person with strong boundaries who knows her own worth but I just can't do it. 

I'm sorry to just throw this in here but I don'k know how to deal with this at all. 

Hiya Spyralle

First of all big hugs to you, and secondly well done for going to see a therapist and speaking out on here.  I totally hear what you're saying and feel your pain.

There's a couple of things I picked up on.... One thing I would like to say is that you do deserve a guy who treats you like this guy from work does, however it depends why you are with him and if it is just because you are so afraid of being alone, then I feel the only way is to bite the bullet and take a risk... you are worth spending time alone, time out to spend it on you, to heal.  It is ok to say to this guy, I need time out and can we be friends.  Is there any support groups you can go to as well?  Sometime's it can help to spend time with people who are going through smiliar things, and also may help with the fear of being alone.

I also picked up on your desperation to be a normal person.  I feel that you are a normal person... it is normal that after the things you have been through to need some time out, to find yourself if you like, after what you've been through it is normal to be afraid of being alone and in time, with the help of your therapist, I feel sure that you will develop healthy boundaries and be the person you want to be, so be kind to yourself... you deserve it.

Take care

H&H xx

[Chicken]

Hello Spy!!!        

It's so nice to see you back posting on the board, but I am sorry it's not a happy place you are in.  I am so sorry to read about your pain and confusion.  It's no surprise I'm sure to tell you that I am dealing with similar stuff regarding intimacy!  Our paths are similar, our childhoods are too.  I however, don't have a nice man in my life.  Either way, there is no escaping the pain.  Maybe you thought this man would take away your pain somewhat and maybe it's a disappointing that it's not working that way.  Well, the other men contributed to your pain, that felt familiar to you.  You prefer being abused because this is what makes you feel at one with yourself.  This man cannot give you what you need.  It's your job to do that.  

Spyralle, maybe you need to slow down with this relationship and to take time for yourself so you can continue your healing.  You say you are feeling disconnected from the world, I am wondering if this is because you are disconnecting from yourself.  

I suspect you have put your healing on hold, which is necessary sometimes, believe me I know!!!  The pain you are dealing with is overwhelming and you can only deal with it bit by bit.  When I say "your healing" I mean, asking those questions, looking at that pain, deciphering where it comes from and how it is making you feel, then re-living that excrutiating pain and allowing it to come out.  You have the support now.  You are an adult now and you can help yourself with it, you have a counsellor for extra support..  It's different when you were a kid.  You were alone then with no resources.  It's different now.  There is no avoiding it really.  That's where i am now, I can't run from it any more, it won't let me.  It's gotten a hold of me and the pain now has more power over me than I over it.  

I am terrified of intimacy too.  It scares me so much I think I would prefer to stay on my own just to avoid it!  But I know that wouldn't really make me happy either...  Would you blame us Spyralle?  The only people I have ever opened myself to and supposedly loved have caused me tremendous pain.  I am isolating myself from the world at the moment.  This is how I am dealing with it.  I am turning down a lot of invitations from friends in favour of staying home and being by myself.  I feel awkward and shy and self conscious in front of my friends.  I am ok in the work environment as you have lots of props to hide behind in the workplace...  but with my friends, well it's just you and them...  terrifying.  I find myself needing alcohol when in someones company, anything just to get rid of that horrible "in between" feeling!  I was shy as a kid too.  I sometimes feel like I am actually revisiting my childhood, but this time I am feeling the pain rather than burying it or putting up the barriers.  It's amazing.  It really feels like that.  I cried myself to sleep the other night.  I am feeling the pain that I have suppressed all these years.  It's painful yeah definately, but underneath the pain, I am feeling a kind of liberation.  

Don't push yourself aside Spyralle.  Listen to yourself.  Hear yourself.  Give yourself the time and the comfort and space to heal.  Don't run away from you.  You are not that scary you know.  In my opinion, this is why you are feeling pain, you are not allowing yourself to feel the pain...  if you know what I mean.  

[Gail]

I've found that physical exercise helps me manage my feelings when they are overwhelming.  We get flooded with stress hormones when feeling threatened, and reacting to bad memories will trigger that reaction, also.  They body needs a way to get rid of them as they prepare us for "fight or flight."  Exercise will help to return the body back to normal. 

When I was in the process of separating from Xh and we were having rows regularly, I'd have to get out and walk, even if it was midnight, or I couldn't stand it.  I'm finding that now, as I'm dealing with some nasty memories, I'm also really needing the outlet of exercise or I start getting stuck in depression. 

Gail

[Hopalong]

Oh Spyralle, hon.
Being confused is just fine. It is confusing to grow a new self. Babies look totally bewildered.
I think you are longing for intimacy with yourself.
I think you are doing all the right things to find it.
I don't know if you have to end your relationship or not but I thought if he is a wonderful person, how it might be for him to read what you just wrote.

That would be an enormous leap of trust but maybe you could take parts of it and give them to him in a letter that asks for his friendship.

And support groups of all sorts, 7 days a week if you need them.

This terror will pass. Please stop hating yourself for feeling it.

Love,
Hopalong

[Brigid]

Spyralle,
I would agree with what Selkie has said about putting your own healing on hold.  And believe me, I have also been there and done that.  We fill up our empty, painful lives with anything that will allow us to stop thinking about it--if only for a little while.  It was only after I came to terms with that, forced myself to just be quiet and listen to what was going on inside of me, that I really started to heal.

I don't think I have a fear of intimacy--in fact, quite the opposite, and too quickly wanted to find it.  Either way is dangerous, imo, and you need to get that under control before you can be available for a potentially healthy relationship.  I would agree with what the others have said about maybe having this new relationship just be a friendship for now (I know, pretty hard to do after it has become physical).  But if it is causing you so much angst, you are probably not ready to pursue it.  Take some time to find your sense of self and love it before you offer that love to someone else.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Chicken]

Brigid said: "I don't think I have a fear of intimacy--in fact, quite the opposite, and too quickly wanted to find it"

I have fooled myself over the years.  I didn't realise I was in fear of intimacy as all I ever tried to do was achieve it and achieve it quickly with my boyfriends...  talk about rushing in... however, they were all incapable of giving me love which is an indirect way of me avoiding intimacy.  Why wasn't I with those who could give me intimacy? 

I am just NOT attracted to those guys.  I have to reprogramme and rethink the whole attraction thing now.  I thought attraction was the overwhelming, heart thumping, obsessive, can't-get-you-outta-my-head, can't-let you-outta-my-sight kind of thing, real passion driven stuff.  Well, now I have to tell myself that that's not love that's danger! 

Anyway, I'm so not there yet.  I am so far from allowing someone in just now.  I am not on the dating scene.  I am too cynical just now.  I need Selkie space with Selkie only.

[longtire]

Hi spyralle, I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now.  Remember your name.  Progress does not come in a straight line, it comes in cycles and loops, and one step forward two steps back.  The great news is that is does come.  Hang in there on these tough days.

It sounds like you may be neglecting or avoiding your true needs right now.  What can you do to take care of Spyralle right now?  You posted here, that is a great start to share the burden and get support!  Also, how about telling your therapist that you feel like things are getting worse for you, rather than better, and you are struggling with work and feeling overwhelmed.  (Can, anyone else relate?)

What is it you really need most right now?  Not want, but need to survive.  Enough sleep?  More excercise?  More time?  How can you start getting some of what you need right now?  What is a first step you can take right away?  It may not be all you need or want, but it is a start.

This might sound like a load of disjointed rubbish

Actually, it just sounds really, really familiar to me.

[Sallying Forth]

I am in therapy working hard on the way I am, but there is something missing...

Okay, this is going to be a pep talk ...

Yourself. Loving yourself. Knowing yourself. Accepting yourself. Knowing you are worthy and worth it. There is only one Spyralle. There is no one else in the entire world like you. You are unique and special and you have something to give to others.

I can't do love with a genuine person I have one foot in and one foot ready to run as fast as I can..... but on the other  hand I have nowhere to go as I am terrified of being alone.

A quote from Dr. Irene's web site:

Face the fear and the fear will disappear!

I have the same fear and I am alone 90% of the time. I am actually now enjoying it. At first I loathed it. I hated it. I avoided it. I played music. I watched television. I did anything to avoid myself. Not any more. I enjoy being with myself. I enjoy being alone. I enjoy getting to know me more and more.

I am so terrified of being on my own that I can't stand it.

Terrified of what? Journal that. Start your sentence ... "I am so terrified of being on my own ..." and keep starting sentences with it until you come to the end and there is no more to write.


What came up for me was being alone meant being abandoned which meant being annihilated. Annihilated meant being non-existent. A nothing. And that was at the core of my pain.

Meanwhile the split side of me goes off to work and has been promoted and is drowning.  I can't keep it all up much longer.  Maybe I am just having a bad day I don't know, but I have nowhere to go with this and I have to get it out of my system....  I am so desperate to be a normal person with strong boundaries who knows her own worth but I just can't do it.  No matter how I try.  I am craving to see my ex or even go and stay with my mother for a week.  I guess I am without someone abusive in my life and because of this I am totally lost.  And Boy do I feel lost.  I feel like I am just wandering around making contacts here and there but totally disconnected to everything, even myself.  My world has become this sort of lunar landscape where nothing can stimulate me or connect with me.

Glad you could get this out of you and written down. I've been there. I have felt those feelings.

I feel like I am just wandering around making contacts here and there but totally disconnected to everything, even myself.  My world has become this sort of lunar landscape where nothing can stimulate me or connect with me.

You've hit the nail on the proverbial head: The disconnection from self.

From what I can see you know and see what is going on inside you. But you are lost about what to do about it. Identifying the losses of childhood, relationships and life is the solution. Then grieving those and finding yourself. And as I said above, loving and accepting yourself. Knowing you are worth it. You are!

And after that, the solution is reinventing you. That is actually the fun and exciting part. Who have you become? What would you like to do with the new you, you have become? Who is this new me? What kind of impact will I have on the world? What abilities, talents and gifts do I have to offer? etc.


Pep talk over.

[Plucky]

Hi there Spyralle,
How are you?
Just an idea.  Maybe it is not a good time for you to have been promoted.  You need a lot of your energy just to work through your personal issues.  Have you really got anything more to perform mightily at work?  I think you need for your job to be on autopilot now while you take the time to sort things out.  Otherwise, your stress at work might become an issue as well. 
I don't know if this is helpful to you or not.  If not, just ignore me and know I'm pulling for you!
Plucky

[spyralle]

Hi Plucky,

Great advice and you are absolutely right, but I am afraid it is too late for that.  i just accepted the promotion the week he left without even thinking.....  i was in such a haze of pain.  My stress at work is now escalating beyond belief.  I lost my temper today at work because everyone else on the senior management team is an arrogant man....  you can imagine how well that goes down with me at the moment.....  i felt today like I would just spontaneously combust.....

I am stilll seeing the same hippy guy....  he is the total opposite of the N....  He is spontaneous and caring etc.... but I have stopped seeing him as often in order that I can concentrate on being with myself.  I feel a bit like this is cheating though because he is still around, but on the other hand to spend time with one of the good guys is such a novelty for me.  i find it so difficult but so fascinating all at the same time...  i go up and down like a roller coaster.  The ups are only slight inclines but they are better than the horrible downs....

thanks for sticking with me.....

Spyralle x

[mum]

hey, Spyralle. I got into a few very quick relationships after my cheating SOB N EX (like that?) and I broke up. I immediately fell for someone I though was the total opposite of my ex. He was. But it didn't matter. I was not ready for a relationship, I was raw and hurt and still had no floor in my stomache (as I still felt the bottom had fallen out....). But I was so incredibly happy to have someone NICE pay attention to me.
Anyway, I married one of the more charming men I dated during that time...and divorced him as well.  THEN I went to work on ME.
Hind sight is 20-20, and nothing anyone can say to someone else can really change much, as we all have to learn by doing...
but I hope you get a taste of where most of us are going with our stories....and maybe you can avoid some more pain.
Look up the book CRAZY TIME. It's one I wish I had read after my first divorce....maybe I wouldn't have married that other guy. But it's all part of who I am now, I don't regret it, really.....there just might be an easier way, that's all.
And I'm sorry for the pain....yet not, as pain is a blessing,too, someday we all get to see what that means (hopefully sooner than later).
so bless you. sending love and light.

[Plucky]

Hi Spyralle,
I have been there, so stressed at work that I became a new, much worse person there and eventually just fell completely apart.
It is possibly not too late.  Tell your boss or whomever, that you have some personal issues that you need to focus on and you want your old job back.  A couple of weeks of being tense and yelling can be forgiven.  A real torpedo on your career will be harder to overcome.

Say that you appreciate fully the difficulty this mght cause, but that you don't feel you can do your best right now and your future with this firm is very important to you.  Say that it is better, in your opinion, if you have made a mistake, to acknowledge this mistake as soon as it is recognised  and to correct it.  Say that you will make sure he/she does not regret the decision to allow you to postpone your promotion to a time when you can be certain of greater success.  Say that you wish it were not the case, but being realistic, you can see that this is not going to work right now, for you or for anyone.

At least try. It's better than limping on without the means to make anything go better.
Plucky

[spyralle]

OK...  I have told my boss that I am not coping....  the bottom line is that he is not really bothered.  This promotion has only been an acting up post so far so I do have a choice I guess whether or not to take it on permanently.  I work in a team full of arrogant men. The problem is for me that every man at the moment reminds me of the exN....  they are all so arrogant and full of themselves and I am so full of anger at what has happened to me.

i went to therapy yesterday.  My therapist has pointed out that the situation I am in is very similar to my family.  The game playing and the vying for attention and prestige.  We talked about the fact that maybe it was all this that had started me craving him again.  On the one hand I want to scream at him and on the other I just want him to ring me and be his old self. 

i also talked to her about Mr. hippy nice guy.  We talked about whether or not I should just stop seeing him entirely, but you know.  i am learning something in this relationship (or whatever it is)  i am sadly learning how repulsive I find caring and love and how I so easily try to destroy it.  i have spoken to hippy boy about it and he is pretty understanding.  he feels that he should have a say in whether or not he stays in it.  I want to stop it because I feel responsible for his feelings, but he says I need only be responsible for my own. 

i am quite frightened about how I react to good stuff and how I desperately crave a man who has abused and broken me....  i am so glad I have you lot to offload on to and also that I am in therapy. I have been close to insanity lately.  The thing is that when I split, I have no control.  Even though my head knows the theory, my emotions do not play ball.  I have not called him though.  This is a massive achievement for me and i guess I have to hold onto that.

Spyralle x