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Author Topic: I'm coming out of my shell  (Read 2977 times)

Brigid

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I'm coming out of my shell
« on: November 01, 2005, 09:24:42 AM »
I so rarely feel comfortable starting a thread, but this realization was something I needed to share and see if anyone else has experienced this.

Now that my xnh is out of my life, I am seeing such a blossoming in me.  Whenever he was around, he sucked all the air out of the space and demanded that all the attention be on him.  He always told me that I was not fun, not funny, not spontaneous, prone to bitchiness, and generally not a person that others liked to be around.  He considered himself to be the life of the party and lived to be constantly the center of attention, through his humor, impressions, joke-telling, etc.  I guess compared to him I wasn't very funny, but I never was allowed to be as he wouldn't let me get a word in edge-wise.

Now that I am in a relationship with someone who is not always seeking attention and actually appreciates me, I am becoming so much more fun, spontaneous and yes, even funny.  We share the space we are in rather than compete for it (although that was a competition that I never won with my xh).  I see my own personality beginning to blossom and emerge from its shell.  I find I can laugh with ease and smile constantly. 

Has anyone else experienced this awakening in themselves?  I just wanted to share.

Brigid
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Healing&Hopeful

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2005, 09:34:38 AM »
Brigid hon.... this is lovely to hear.  I can really relate to "he wouldn't let me get a word in"... my bio dad is like this.  Many a phone call, my only input has been "uh-huh" "yeah" "oh really" "oh that's a shame" and so on and I've come away from each one feeling, well I'm not sure what I was feeling, but it wasn't a "oh I'm really glad he rang" anyway.

I feel this awakening in yourself is because you have a partner who helps you to grow as a person.  This is something I've come to learn with being with my husband, compared to previous.

Thanks for posting.

H&H xx
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Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

Chicken

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2005, 09:35:59 AM »
That's so lovely to hear Brigid.  

Your post with David P on the other thread, I thought was very funny...  I had written a reply in which I wanted to write "ha ha ha" but then deleted it...I was afraid it might be taken the wrong way.  Reading that thread, you come across as a playful and fun person.  

Those things your exNh said to you were all about him and his issues, I'm sure he was doing a lot of projecting.  It were far from the truth, as you now know and if he didn't have the spotlight on him all the time, and if he allowed himself to get to know the real you, then maybe he would have realised this.  

It's good that you are allowing yourself to shine through now.  Sometimes the time is not right for us and we stifle ourselves with people who repress us...  It takes a while to find ourselves...  It's your time now to bloom and be yourself and be happy.  Enjoy yourself and your self!   8)

P.S I hope to see you start more threads!  You have as much a right to speak out as the rest of us.

happy for you
Selkie
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Hopalong

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2005, 09:59:44 AM »
Brigid,
Thank you. You give me hope that my loneliness might change one day.
In the same way that "sensing" who is a healthy person, as we were talking about with CeeMee on the General Theory of Love thread, you just gave me a wise, wonderful thing that I could look for, to "sense" what a new relationship is feeling like (if I ever find one, that is):

We share the space we are in rather than compete for it

That is so helpful. It gives me a "radar" idea that I think could, hopefully, help me one day find a relationship as sane and happy as yours.

I know it's a mark of happiness when people actively look for the chance to chuckle and notice what's ABSURD. I feel completely joyful when I notice what's absurd. We're all absurd! Life can be absurd! So many small things we have opportunities to notice every day are completely absurd! (My fav movie, BABE, has a duck in it who is so absurd I LOL every time I think of him.)

Your humor is a sign of such large healing. I feel so happy thinking of you and your new partner chortling away! I hope you smile at yourself in the mirror, too.

Chortle on, snicker, gasp, laugh until you leak!
Love  :lol:
Hopalong
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"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

mudpuppy

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2005, 12:47:29 PM »
Hey Sis,

I think you've been funny and great the whole time I've been here; since last Feb I think it was.
But you do sound much happier and sure of yourself now.
I guess you washed that 'man' right out of your hair, eh?

mud
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Brigid

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2005, 03:09:12 PM »
H&H, Selkie, Hoppie & Mud,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and support.  It's nice to know that others think that I am occasionally humorous rather than humorless--which is what I was told for the last 24 years.

H & H,

Quote
I feel this awakening in yourself is because you have a partner who helps you to grow as a person.  This is something I've come to learn with being with my husband, compared to previous.

I agree with this.  My BF actually listens (well, as much as men ever listen   :?) to what I'm saying, rather than like my ex who was always concentrating on what he was going to say next, or worse yet just talked right over the top of me.  It is so nice to have occasional silence in the room or car and not have someone constantly needing to fill it up with mindless chatter.

Selkie,

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Those things your exNh said to you were all about him and his issues, I'm sure he was doing a lot of projecting.

Yes, yes, yes.  Totally!!  Because I wasn't constantly laughing hysterically at hearing the same joke for the 59th time, I was boring and humorless.  If truth be told, the humor and constant chatter were just his cover-up for his sad and pathetic state of mind.  I think he actually admired my self-control, but because that was impossible for him, had to belittle that characteristic in me to make him look better.  Just like an n.

Hoppie,

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Thank you. You give me hope that my loneliness might change one day.

Don't ever give up faith that this will happen.  Also, you must be proactive--chances are those great guys will not just get dropped on your doorstep.  Find ways to meet new people and network with other singles who are also looking for a connection with someone new.

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Your humor is a sign of such large healing.

This is so true.  Being able to smile and laugh with ease takes such a weight off my shoulders.  Also being able to say that "I'm great!!" when people ask how I am, feels so good, too.  I am getting such wonderful feedback from all my friends and other acquaintances who are so happy for me.

Mudbrother,

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I guess you washed that 'man' right out of your hair, eh?

You got it honey.  :D :D  Right down the drain with the fleas and ticks.  I'm honored that you think I'm funny--coming from the man on the board who is so quick with a witty comeback or clever quip.

Bless you all,

Brigid
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stayhuman

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2005, 04:32:40 PM »
Hi

I like the way you describe it as an 'awakening'. It is so nice to hear about people who actually manage to find healthy relationships where you are free to grow as a person. Very heartening :)
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David P

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2005, 06:51:17 PM »
Geez Mom, I don't think that you are so 'funny' - you rented out my room, shipped my stuff off to the dump and refuse to send me pizza money. Not funny Mom! Where is my Mustang? I am driving around down here in Toyota pick up which would be trash in Iraq. I am struggling with my supervisor and my old drinking buddies have spit since I started the AA thing. The chicks who used to come and help me clean and straighten have disappeared too - like they moved on. My Phd work is in a sh**hole and it is still hot down here. I can't speak Spanish and my Aussie accent does not work at the 7/11  . Gimme a break Mom, I liked you the way you were.
Anyways, who is this new guy '?? I guess that he and you plan  to turn my old room into a 'love nest' .How pukey!!
Could you please reconsider about the money thing? I may have to go ask my uncles and new Dad Longie if you don't come through. Thanks Mom.

Your potential Nobel Prize winning son who is having a temporary setback,
David.
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Sela

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2005, 09:01:50 AM »
Oh Brigid!

I'm very glad to hear that you feel like you are coming out of your shell ....which in itself has to be a great sign of healing!  All that hiding in shells seems like it's safe, for awhile, but it's also lonely eh?  Felt like that to me anyhow. :( :(

I agree with others who have said that laughing, joking, whatnot... seem like healing steps.  I know one thing for sure.....it's darn hard to laugh when we're not healing! :roll:

As to your potential nobel prize winner son, don't let his temporary setbacks influence your financial plans and for crying out loud......don't let him guilt trip you into losing that winning smile!!  (Poor lad......he'd do well to adopt a joke or two himself...which might attract back some of those chicks, soothe the supervisor some, make his buddies jealous and possibly earn him an acting credit toward his Phd???  Who knows?  He could turn into a chick magnet-boss's pet-male click leadin'-sit com star yet!!!  Keep smiling Brigid!  No matter!

It's good to hear about you enjoying life and coming alive!  Wonderful!!!

 :D Sela
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Brigid

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2005, 09:21:42 AM »
Sela,
Thank you for the kind words.  It is nice to see the world clearly rather than from the inside of a not-so-protective shell. 

As for David, my perpetual-student, doesn't want to get a real job, but expects mom to just keep funding him, thinks he's better than us because of his academics, lazy-ass son--don't be too hard on him.  His father didn't set a good example for him, despite my efforts to be a good mom.  I guess all those nights having to drag me home from the bar and put me to bed probably took a toll on him.  His father never wanted to work either--only wanted to sit in the Lazy Boy, watch football and drink beer.  At least Davy is pretending to want to be a productive citizen by continuing to go to school.  I'm not holding my breath on the Nobel Prize, BTW.

PS- David, Mommy is really having fun with your Mustang.  It has been a real guy magnet--my BF loves it!  I did kick out the renter recently so the love nest had more privacy.

Peace and love,

Brigid
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mudpuppy

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2005, 11:23:07 AM »
Brigid,

Quote
Could you please reconsider about the money thing? I may have to go ask my uncles   :shock: and new Dad Longie if you don't come through.


OK enough joking, this is getting serious, SEND THE POOR KID SOME MONEY!

mud
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spyralle

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2005, 01:05:00 PM »
Brigid....  look what you have started here....  There's laughter and everything!!!! x

This post has helped me a lot.  I am really struggling with changing and it is an absolute inspiration to know that it is possible.  It also helps when you talk about your new relationship.  When people are nice to me like hat I always think that there is something wrong with them...

Imagin finding out that you are humourous.  How fantastic is that.  i don't mean to go overboard here but WOW!!!  If that was me I would be cracking jokes everywhere.  To make others laugh is a fantastic gift.  One of the best things that happens in my work sometimes is when a client who is just so far down looks you in the eyes and smiles.  When I was with my ex N I just thought I was miserable.  Now I am becoming aware that he dimmed my lights. 

It's great tohear that your light is becoming brilliant again...

Spyralle x

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Brigid

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2005, 05:56:40 PM »
Spyralle,

Quote
It's great tohear that your light is becoming brilliant again...

Such a sweet thing to say, and such a good description of how I feel right now.  Many of my friends have said that I am "glowing."  I thought you could only do that when you're pregnant. :? (definitely not a possibility  :shock:). 

I also feel free and alive and everything around me looks brighter.  The BF and I recently returned from a 3 hour motorcycle ride through the country on this unusually beautiful and warm fall day.  That is something I never imagined myself doing, much less loving every minute of it.  I can feel the wind in my face, smell all the wonderful smells in the air and enjoy the beautiful scenery.  It really is a good metaphor for how I feel about my life right now.

Mud,

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SEND THE POOR KID SOME MONEY!

Sorry, the kid is cut off.  I need the extra cash for gasoline for the motorcycle, and all those sexy black leather clothes. :wink:  If you feel so sorry for him, dig deep and find a few bucks for him, but I hope you know that you are just enabling his lazy behavior and he'll just be back for more in no time flat.  Thank God that therapy has helped me figure out a few things.  :P

Hugs,

Brigid
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mia

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2005, 06:04:53 PM »
Hi Brigid


Glad to hear that you are doing so well.  I know where you are coming from, sista!  I didn't know what life could be like until I met my sweet husband.  Life with X N wasn't living.

Anyway, I couldn't resist.  The subject line of your thread reminded me of this Diana Ross song. 
Best wishes and God bless.
Mia

I'm coming out
I'm coming
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out
I'm coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of the shell
I have to shout
That I'm coming out

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I've got to show the world
All that I wanna be
And all my billities
Ther's so much more to me
Somehow, I have to make them
Just understand
I got it well in hand
And, oh, how I've planned
I'm spreadin' love
There's no need to fear
And I just feel so glad
Everytime I hear:

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I'm coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show





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Brigid

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Re: I'm coming out of my shell
« Reply #14 on: November 03, 2005, 06:29:07 PM »
Mia,
Thanks for sharing that.  I'm going to print that out and put it on my bulletin board.  :D

Hugs,

Brigid
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