feeling sensitive about ridicule over "craziness."

[m_arigrl04]

This is the first time I have visited this site.  Maybe someone who understands how it feels to finally accept that one's parents have never been there and who has to make the decision to divorce them.  I know this sounds selfish, but it would be much easier if my Mother were dead, because people are constantly asking me about her...how do I tell them I am grieving that relationship?  Since I have taken this step I have been extremely sensitive about being called crazy, the "issues queen" etc. etc. Considering I have asked people not to do this, it seems abusive but I don't know how to blow it off.  I don't talk about my issues to folks because they don't need to hear about them and besides, I have a people smarts IQ of about 50.  I seem Ioi be missing an enzyme that facilitates understanding /trusting the right people.  If I could change one thing about myself it would be the absolutely infuriating inability to have a poker face.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?  SUggestions?  I have always prided myself on being told that I "don't act depressed" when I tell people I take antidepressants. Lately I have had spells of feeling like I am losing it, and that scares me.

[Brigid]

Welcome arigirl,
I'm sorry for what you having to deal with, but you will find many on this site who have struggled with the same issue.  I finally had to "divorce" my parents, who are both deceased now, after realizing how toxic they were to me and my children.  People who didn't know them at all, or only knew them in a casual sense, criticized my decision and thought I was being a cruel and insensitive daughter.  The truth was that I needed to cut them out of my life for my own survival. 

Only you can know how best to handle your own situation.  There are some here who have been able to continue relationships with their n family members through limited contact and firm boundaries.  Many more of us have had to sever those ties in order to begin healing from the many years of abuse they inflicted.  I got tired of trying to defend my decision to do what I did and eventually stopped talking about it.

You did not mention if you are in therapy, but if not, I would highly recommend it.  With the help of my therapist, I have been able to navigate through the emotional turmoil and uncover the buried pain that was induced by my FOO.  It also gave clarity to why I had chosen such unhealthy love relationships and married two n men.  Hopefully the healing I have gained from therapy will prevent me from making that mistake again.

Blessings,

Brigid

[m_arigrl04]

Thanks, Brigid. I am  not currently in therapy but am trying to get an appt. this week.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya hon

I feel that divorcing anyone, let alone your parents is never an easy decision and it's amazing how much you take from them before you come to this decision.  It's never that you wake up one morning and go "Oh, I think I'll divorce my parents today, yes, what a good plan", and this is where I feel people possibly don't understand.

I feel that anyone who feels they are "losing it" means that it's time for the person to take time to look at themselves and do things to help themselves, whatever that may be.  For some it's therapy, for other's it's getting in touch with friends again, for others it's travel... there is no right or wrong way, you just have to do what is right for you.

If you'd like to talk some more, we are happy to listen... and more than that, one thing I love about this board is it's supportive but also no one judges.  I feel this is a big help.

Take care


H&H xx

[Sela]

Hi m_agirl04 and welcome:

I'm sorry that your parents have caused you enough harm that you want to divorce them and wish worse on them.  I don't think it's a bit selfish......I think it's surviving as best you can, which is the best anyone can do.

As to others who comment on your decision, maybe you could say something like:

"I'm not in contact with them anymore" and if there are further questions, "Oh, we don't get along", and leave it at that.

Since I have taken this step I have been extremely sensitive about being called crazy, the "issues queen" etc. etc. Considering I have asked people not to do this, it seems abusive but I don't know how to blow it off. 

If people are calling you "crazy" and have even given you a name....."the issues queen"......those people are being abusive.  Who wouldn't be sensitive about that?  Only someone who tolerates abuse well.

Maybe, the best thing would be to distance yourself from the people who are saying these things?  If that is not possible, then maybe the next time they insult you, you could respond with something like:

"That's abusive" (while squashing your eyebrows together and shaking your finger at them)

or  maybe saying:  "You can't be serious!!" (while lifting one eyebrow, smiling cutely and laughing sweetly).

Lately I have had spells of feeling like I am losing it, and that scares me.

Maybe, once you put some distance between yourself and those who are trying to convince you that you're the nutbar of the group, you'll feel less fear and on a more comfortable, relieved level???

Please remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect.  I admire you for taking steps to get away from those who don't get that.

  Sela

[spyralle]

Hi agirl,

I am struggling with many of the same issues as you.  Whether my guilt will get the better of me and make me get in touch with my mother or whether I should live a healthier life without her.  i went round to a friends parents house for dinner the other day and they were asking me if I saw her.  instaead of making a short reply I went on and on about how we didn't get on because she didn't like me or my daughter.  i suppose maybe I do this because I am trying to justify what other people find incomprehensible...

The thing is agirl...  What I am beginning to realise is that some things are necessary to not only survive but to have the space to start changing into the person I want to be.  People who refer to you with these abusive names have no understanding generally about what it is like to be brought up in an N household.  i ofeten share with my therapist my fears that these people are right who say things lke this.  i have awful phases where I believe I am personality disordered, and it was all me....  but you know what i am learning that often we act the way we have been conditioned to act.  if you are not given solid foundations with which to judge healthy relationships etc, how can we possibly expect to do so without getting some distance and working on our own self belief...

i believe now that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.... It's hard but if you want it bad enough I reckon you can get there.  Keep posting here.  here are many people who will understand you and give you loads and loads of support

Spyralle x

[Sallying Forth]

This is the first time I have visited this site.  Maybe someone who understands how it feels to finally accept that one's parents have never been there and who has to make the decision to divorce them.  I know this sounds selfish, but it would be much easier if my Mother were dead, because people are constantly asking me about her...how do I tell them I am grieving that relationship?

Gosh these are exactly my sentiments. I wish my Nmother, Nfather and Nbrother were all dead and buried. It would be so much easier.

For me I simply don't answer their questions. Kind of like the most stupid question I've heard to date - "What size underwear to you wear?" I pretended I didn't hear the ex-Ngirlfriend's question. The other thing I do is refrain from talking about my parents or brother to anyone outside this forum and my immediate family.

Since I have taken this step I have been extremely sensitive about being called crazy, the "issues queen" etc. etc. Considering I have asked people not to do this, it seems abusive but I don't know how to blow it off.  I don't talk about my issues to folks because they don't need to hear about them and besides, I have a people smarts IQ of about 50.  I seem Ioi be missing an enzyme that facilitates understanding /trusting the right people.  If I could change one thing about myself it would be the absolutely infuriating inability to have a poker face.

I got called crazy by lots of people especially my Nparents and Nbrother. I let the comments roll off my back after a couple years of therapy. At first I couldn't and wouldn't but now that's easy because I realize they are the crazy ones not me.

The more you know and trust and accept and love yourself the higher your people IQ will become. You'll trust your intuition more and more and know who to trust. It takes to time heal but it does happen.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?  SUggestions?  I have always prided myself on being told that I "don't act depressed" when I tell people I take antidepressants. Lately I have had spells of feeling like I am losing it, and that scares me.

Yes and thankfully it is not an oncoming train! I got off that track a long time ago when I began my healing journey.   

I had spells of feeling like I was losing it for years and years. They scared me too. I don't suffer from those feelings any more. I know those feelings came from the pain within me and my fear of feeling that pain. Those fears are gone. I want to look at the pain. I want to feel it all. Whatever is needed to heal I am willing to do.

Therapy and/or journaling and/or expressing yourself creatively to access the pain from your childhood and learning how to trust, love and accept yourself would be my suggestion. Also reading as many books as possible on the topic of N's, controlling parents/people and abusive people would be quite helpful.

These following books helped me quite a bit:

Why Does He Do That?
If You Had Controlling Parents
Controlling People
Children of the Self-Absorbed
Trapped in the Mirror
Why Men Love Bitches
Ditch That Jerk

Also sharing about what you are learning, asking questions and reading this forum are all helpful.

Welcome!