Whistleblowing

[Anon]

I have to post this anonymously because I don't feel safe enough to use my name.  Apologies to all.  If you guess who I am, please don't use the name.

I have reported family members for child abuse, via a third party.  The family is up in arms, and if I get found out it will be terrible, but I know this is the right thing to do, for the sake of the children concerned.

Social services are visiting the family soon.  At present the family line is aimed at blaming the anonymous person, who is regarded as malicious, although they know it is someone close, because of medical details.  One person says that social services should ignore anonymous messages because they are not admissable in a court of law, and everyone accused of a crime has the right to face his or her accuser.

They are missing the point that this is not about punishing the parents, it is about protecting the children.  I am treading a fine line, refusing to tell lies or condone misbehaviour, while sympathising with those involved for the situation, and agreeing it is a terrible thing to go through. 

Nobody did this for us x years ago.  Nobody did this for these children five years ago.  But today it is happening.  I feel very sorry for all those involved, because I love them all, but if they refuse to look at what they are doing, then what choice is there?

[Brigid]

Dear Anon,
Good for you to step forward and try to save these children.  Hopefully you will be also saving future children from the legacy of abuse.

I don't know about the stance of Social Services regarding the anonymous information.  It seems to me that it should be allowed as long as corroboration can occur once the children are removed from the home and allowed to be questioned or other medical evidence can confirm it.

The only thing I question is your ability to love these people.  I couldn't love an abuser of children, no matter how they were connected to me, but that's just me and my great need to protect children at all costs.

Blessings,

Brigid

[mum]

Dear Anon.
The right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same. You acted from love. Don't doubt your higher good.
People who abuse the small and young, certainly are not going to be happy about being called on it.
But that doesn't mean you didn't do what is right.
Stay strong. Bless you.

[Cadbury]

Be strong You have done the right thing.

I can honestly say that as a parent, if you are doing no wrong then you would not be worried about social services coming round. If your family are worried then you most definitely have done the right thing. My ex walked into a police station and came out with a whole pack of lies about me and the risk to my children. They came round and left within an hour as it was obvious he had lied. So if your family have nothing to hide, why would they worry? therefore you are in the right. Does that make sense? I am very tired tonight and may be talking gibberish

As far as anonymous tip offs go... the things you have said would probably not be allowed in court, but everything that is found as a result of your concerns is totally allowed - it is then fact! Don't worry, you are very strong and good to have risked so much to do what is right... hugs to you...

[write]

I couldn't love an abuser of children, no matter how they were connected to me, but that's just me and my great need to protect children at all costs.

I think it's one of the problems many of us here have had- is we have been abused in different ways but still loved our abusive family members and had to learn to separate good and bad feelings and experiences for the rest of our lives.

Anon- you've done what you thought is right and must have strong concerns about the childrens' wellbeing to involve protective services.
Cadbury is right, it's out of your hands now and whatever findings are made will be the court evidence.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Anon

I can only agree with what the others have said.  Well done for finding the courage to do the right thing in a situation which must be very difficult as you are close to it.

I wish you all the best.

H&H xx

[Anon]

Thank you for your support on this one.

The reason I love the main perp here is that x years ago I saw the same things happen to that person as that person is now doing to some children.  When I see it happen, I blame perp 1 most of all, but of course, that person also has a history.  So where does the blame belong?

The point is, the buck has to stop somewhere, and at least I have done something.  I am willing if the investigation does not get anywhere to come forward and give further information, but I think that is not needed; the children involved are evidence enough in their behaviours, I think.

Still have not heard any family concern about the children; all about the adults and what they are going through.  And I can sympathise with that.  But also, from what I have heard in the family, it looks as if the medical condition in one child that I knew about over 2 years ago has gone untreated due to family shame; I heard again yesterday a false statement of the cause, which they would not have if they had a doctor's opinion on this.  If that is true, then it is even more important that something is done now.

[Plucky]

Hi there Anon,
good on you for stepping up to protect those children.  No matter what the outcome, you have made a significant difference in the life of those children.   On behalf of the universe, I thank you.
I am not sure I agree that the abused must grow up to be abusers.  Almost everyone on this board was abused and all of us are trying everything we can not to be abusers.
Please keep us up to date on what transpires.
Plucky

[Anon]

Comment today from this family;

We have nothing to hide, so 'bring it on'. 

The gods grant the wishes of those whom they mean to curse.

[Anon]

So much for anonymity.  The social services person told them enough for me to be clearly identified as the source of the information.  But it still looked like going nowhere, because of the levels of denial going on in all concerned.  So I spoke to social services, and invited them to ask me along to the next meeting, which is supposed to be happening but I have heard nothing yet.  Looks like this is not going down well.  If I say that it is not just the children who have been on the receiving end of violence from this perp, then maybe that will explain how hard it will be for me to tell the truth in front of him, but I am not prepared for any more secrets.

Anyone with spare prayers, I would be grateful for them.  I am going to need them.  And I have now also to prepare for a long hard winter, following next week.  My plan is not to out what is happening now - the children concerned are my evidence on that one.  I plan to out the abuse of x years ago, and to make the person it happened to listen to me say what happened, even if that person continues to not believe me.

I saw a cousin yesterday.  Didn't tell her any details, just a bit.  She said, I don't know anything and I don't want to know.     Another friend just told me that a smack on the bum hurts nobody, and that it happens all the time, and nobody is hurt by it.

Looks like I am on my own on this one.   

[Plucky]

Hello Anon,
you're not alone. We're here.
Your cousin is cut from the same cloth as those people who allow genocide to go on and would rather not get involved.
Your friend is just clueless.  You are casting pearls before swine to ask around about this.  Most people are not going to be helpful but they all have an opinion.
I'm rushed but wanted to lend my voice to support you.  You are doing the right thing, so in some way, you will prevail. It's just going to be harder than you thought.
Plucky

[Moira]

Right on Anon! You have made the right and moral decision for the sake of children who are powerless and voiceless! In my profession as a nurse in psychiatry, I frequently have to do the same thing, and many times as a third party, I have been able to request that the ministry of family and children not divulge my identity . Even if it should go to court, I have had my name removed from my testimony and in Canada- sorry, don't know what the law is wherever you are, but worthwhile to check-  only my notes have been entered in court. Hang in and I respect and admire your courage and strength is making this difficult but vital decision. How many of us had someone like you to step in and protect us when we had no say in abusive situations? Hugs, Moira

[Anon]

Thanks Moira and Plucky.  It helps not to be alone on this one.

What happened today is that I got an email from these people - I was supposed to be babysitting for them tomorrow, and the email cancelled, and said they have made other plans.  I rang and asked if everything is ok - as you do - and was told well no, we think you told ss on us.

I told them, no it was not me.  (This is true.)  Then I got a lot of do you realise how difficult this past week has been for us (the adults involved), and how they are going to talk to a x year old child about their parents, and ask what kind of parents we are.  They said we are going through hell, and that we have done nothing wrong, and that a pack of lies have been told about us.  To which I said, no lies have been told (I have heard the accusations from them and from my parents.).  So then they said that they wanted to say things, and tell me what they really think about me, but that they would only regret it (they can't say anything about me that I have not already thought for myself, so that would not hurt at all) and then they went, and put down the phone. 

However, I then rang my parents, and told them what I have been accused of (reporting them directly myself to ss) and that this is not true.  They tried to say that these people won't think that way, and were surprised that I said I have been accused directly, and denied it directly, and not been believed.  And so far my parents believe me.  I said, first of all if I have something to say I say it.  And second of all, I don't go behind people's backs.  I said to both  my mum and dad, if I have a problem with anyone, they will know it, and they both agreed.   

The person who actually made this report is a professional, who heard things (not from me) that as a professional she felt obliged to report.  She told me this is not my responsibility, and that the report is the right thing to do.  I am hanging onto that.

I am also not letting any of these people play the scapegoat game, and thereby deflect attention onto who is the evil person telling tales, rather than the actual issues, which are those of preventing further harm to innocent children, and stopping that buck well and truly in its tracks.

I am not sure if I am strong enough for all this.  However, we will find out.   

I thought I loved these people, and that they are as innocent as the children, because they did not realise what they were doing.  Now I am not so sure.  The longer this denial continues, the more it is starting to stink to high heaven.

[Plucky]

Hey Anon,
Don't care what they think.  You are still caring about their opinion, knowing that they are hurting their children.  They are wrong about that, they are wrong about you.
On the other hand, why be ashamed of reporting them?  They ought to be ashamed, for being and doing what they are.  Maybe you should own up to your role and be proud.  Be proud!  You are trying to save some children!
Plucky

[Portia]

If we can help stop abuse of children, we can help stop future abusers. Is there anything more worthwhile? I don’t think so.

Social services can be worse than useless at times. But then they are badly paid, do a job that isn’t respected and get whacked by the media when they fail. It’s what happens.

A ‘smack on the bum’ is one thing. It might be smack that happens just once and has a certain effect on the child. It might be continued violence that causes a child to in turn become a violent adult. Murderers thrown against walls as tiny children.

Violence always hurts someone and babies have the deepest and longest memories. Your friend is ignorant/in denial and your cousin is afraid. It’s not their fault.

You’re doing what you think is right and that’s great. It’s okay to be ‘on your own’ if you believe you’re right. However, intelligent and courageous people like you are often persecuted simply because the crowd doesn’t like the status quo upset. The vast majority of people would rather accept what goes on rather than risk being cast out of the group. Even if babies die.

I thought I loved these people, and that they are as innocent as the children, because they did not realise what they were doing.  Now I am not so sure.  The longer this denial continues, the more it is starting to stink to high heaven.

Umm. Children are innocent until they start to act out their abuse on others. That can happen pretty early. What do we do with 10 year olds who murder? They are guilty of abuse. Those who abuse need help, but the other innocents need protecting from them. My opinion is to protect first; then help the abusers. Some adults are exactly like children, except for their age and their actions. You can love the person, but hate their actions. Hate the causes of their behaviour, but still see the helpless child in them. It’s possible to feel sympathy and empathy for the most heinous murderer; but that doesn’t excuse their actions. Denial is what happens. These people might come to hate you, but that doesn’t mean you have to hate them. It does mean you probably won’t be able to have a relationship with them though. This is a consequence.

You have my support, my thoughts and my concern for you now. Please stay confident and share your ‘confidences’ only with people you trust immensely. Where child abuse is concerned, the most seemingly-intelligent people can revert to illogical 5 year olds and probably for good reasons that they don’t even consciously know about. Take lots of care. 

PS for supportive reading, anything by Alice Miller if you haven't read her. http://www.alice-miller.com/sujet/eng.htm