Thanks + venting

[SurviveAndGrow]

Thanks. 

...

I wish you all strength, you are great,

SurviveAndGrow 

[David P]

Hi S&G, sometimes is just comes down to setting and enforcing rigid boundaries and setting limits.
 I know that sounds simplistic and even trite, but that strategy is about all that works.
 It is exhausting and you need to be vigilant against another 'attack', but ultimately abuses and boundary violators are not people who are willing to see 'reason', so negotiation is pointless.
 
Beware of people who want to 'help' when you have not asked for it. Many times' helping' is the sunny side of control and interference. Co-dependents are experts at that strategy. The problem is that they really believe that their motives are noble and that they 'know' how to run your life and you do not. It does not occur to them to wait until they are asked!

Ya need to breathe a lot of fire right back at the MIL Dragon Lady.

David P.

[miss piggy]

Hi S&G,

I heaved a long heavy sigh reading this one.  The character assassination tactic is one that drives me to despair.  The solace I take is hoping that the people hearing all the cr@P about me are not people I want to know.  If they are, I have finally learned to tell them "you do not have all the facts on what is really going on".  I say it calmly.  If they press, I might be tempted to give a tidbit of insanity so they get the picture really quick (the toilet seat present we received one year--kinda says it in a single soundbite.)  Watch the eyes pop open.  Can be fun.  The "all the facts" comment is more effective than I would have thought.  Try it.  Just resist the urge to launch a counter-attack of smear.

Please go and buy yourself a copy of "stop walking on eggshells".  It will save your life and your sanity.  You'll stop chasing her lies and crazymaking tactics and start living your own life again.  Ask people what they care if you two get along or not?  Just chalk it up to bad chemistry.  Next subject.

Take care, MP

[SurviveAndGrow]

David,
MP,

Thank you. 

...

MP, thanks for the reference!

Thank you.

SurviveAndGrow.

[mum]

(the toilet seat present we received one year--kinda says it in a single soundbite.)  Watch the eyes pop open.

Seriously?????

Reminds me of a quote(s) "You can't argue with a sick mind" or "no use talkin if nobody's home". Best left alone. Of course it helps if you have a toilet seat gift as crazy evidence (huh???? really????)

[Plucky]

Hi S&G,
Since your MIL acted this way when she made you let her babysit, now you have a built in reason not to let her sit any more.    Make her BS backfire.  If she asks to do it, just quote the exact things she said.  "No, we wouldn't dream of leaving you there alone while we go out."  "No, let's wait until you can go out with wife to a movie or something.  I wouldn't want to keep you from going out wth her when you two get a chance (when hell freezes over)".   Etc.  Throw her lying words in her face with a lovely smile and make her regret all her duplicity.   And get what you want in the meanwhile.

How did you find out she was doing this?  Did someone tell you?  Then say, "I know you would never tell us this to our faces, but I understand that you were so hurt that we went out and left you here.  We certainly would not repeat that!  I'm so sorry we did it!"

About her complaining to all her friends about you: "I guess I'm just not up to par compared to your friends' sons-in-law.  Listen, the very last thing I will do is impose on you to help us again."  If she protests that this is really what se wants, say "I know that's what you said last time but honestly it wasn't fun for you, was it?  I know better than to take advantage again."  If she goes on about it, say "Let's not talk about it any more.  I already feel a complete cad about what happened before.  And now that I know you are too polite to be honest with us, I'm just going to have to put my foot down and refuse outright.  Now let's change the subject."

It does not matter if she sees exactly what you are doing.  In fact, it might be better if she does.  Make sure you look happy while talking to her.

What do you have to lose?
Plucky

[miss piggy]

Dearest Mum, (hey, your eyes are popping open!)

Yes indeedy, this high quality home improvement fixture was wrapped in recycled baby shower paper and hand-delivered to our house.  The truly amazing part was that she coughed up five of her own dollars to insult us.  I guess we were worth it.  Months later, she had the gall to chide my H about not "acknowledging it" with a thank you card, etc.  Always there with the Amy Vanderbilt handbook of social correctness!  I had to bite my tongue till it bled to keep from saying "oh sweetheart, we acknowledge you every time we use it!!!" 

Yep, that's a fact, Jack. 

And S&G, this was in return for refusing to allow her access to our children (wonder why!!!)  and not allowing them to babysit her three-month-old baby.  (my kids were quite young themselves, both under age 7).  She would ask them over (without me) everytime she was alone with the baby so she could escape her duty of supervising the baby herself and/or scapegoat them for anything that would certainly go wrong.  She's as cheap as dirt but finally put the baby in fulltime daycare even though she doesn't work herself.   Hmmmm.  And things did go wrong at home.  Black eyes.  Those kinds of things.  She's round the bend.

The really sad part is that my brother is the frog in the boiling water.  He's just dead inside and goes along with all of it.  So there you go.   

Ah well.  Distance is sometimes the only cure.  Hugs to you here.  MP

Oh PS to S&G.  It's important to keep an inner stance of "see for yourself" vs. "you gotta believe me when I tell you she's crazy".  sort of a shrug of the shoulders detached frame of mind vs. grabbing folks by the lapels.  (It can be hard.  I still look at my crazy SIL and she looks fine.  She looks normal.  and next thing you know, I'm grabbing those lapels and look like that painting "The Scream" with gaping mouth)  
You have your truth and you're living by it and you don't need to convince anyone of anything.  In other words, don't approach anyone with an ax to grind or urgent agenda.  You gotta do what works for you.  Good luck.

MP

[write]

the thing is you couldn't win no matter what you did- if you called on her morning noon and night and let her feel only she could deal with the traumas of your parenting world...she'd turn that into a martyrdom.
If you're coping fine without her and just trying to include her from time to time- she'll be sniffy about that too.
If your wife went to the movie without you- she'd be a bad wife.

Etc stc.

It's not about you, it's the fact she feels so bad about herself, or even that she is nothing without all this drama.

Don't even consider taking her 'advice' or opinions personally, I'm sure you have far better people in your life for feedback ( the postman for example...!)

See her as an annexed person with issues, and you are only allowing her near at all to be as reasonable and kind as you can given her emotinal and behavioural problems.

Don't expect her to be reasonable in return- she can't be.

[mum]

I like you take on it all Write. Reminds me of a woman I work with , who is brilliant at her job, except for this nagging habit of chiding adults in front of children (really professional, huh?). Since EVERYONE has been her target (she barely notices) we all pretty much say "welcome to the club" and move on. She's nuts.  Even the kids have caught on. She alternates this with being giving and kind......so....she's nuts. So all of us just chalk it up to:  it's HER. Do we still get hurt by her? Not much.