Hi folks,
I'm happy to be posting! I made my first deadline, no small thanks to the nudging, encouraging, kind, wonderful support I got here. THANK YOU! I can only post a little bit today because Deadline Part 2 means I mustn't get all lost on the Net again...but I can take a little time to indulge.
I'm grateful for this topic because I have a question. I've been emailing a nice-sounding man who's from the same congregation a few hours from me. He seems very enthusiastic about meeting and we do have a good deal in common. I have one concern. He does sound like a victim, but I am trying to discern to what degree it's simply genuine. IOW, if one is abused, then one's a victim of abuse, right? His ex, who happened to be Chinese, was prone to violent rages and literally drew blood from him. They divorced years ago and she got custody, but he has his son, who sounds well adjusted and delightful, all summer and for lengthy holidays. He talks about his son a lot and obviously loves him very much. My only concern was 2 "pink flags". And I hope they're just "pink". I mean, anybody meeting me will certainly find pink flags so I want to be realistic and not so picky I can never find anyone, if you know what I mean. The pink flags are: I couldn't understand how he could leave his young son on the oppostie coast with a woman so unstable, so I asked him about that. He said he did agonize over it, especially when his son would call him crying and asking to be rescued, but his family and friends advised him he'd never get full custody unless he could prove her unfit which would bankrupt him, and it would be better for his son to have two separate homes without fighting, than the weekly transfers which had been awful scenes. He said she was never physically abusive with his son but was extremely emtoionally abusive to him, because she screams at him all the time. He also said it got better as time went on because she wasn't able to have direct conflict with him (the Dad). (I was wondering if she might be Borderline, and they had very competitive academic careers...both ambitioius scientists.) Fact is, though, he did take a teaching job far away from his boy, which I found troubling. Second pink flag, which I'm not even sure is a flag, is really a question for you, my wise friends: is there something wrong about the fact that he blames her entirely for the failure of their marriage? I mean, if she is unstable, and prone to violence, maybe that's the simple fact of it. But I am wondering if there's something missing ("And my contribution to the misery of it all was _________"). So far, I haven't heard a word like that. Anyway, we're going to meet for coffee in January (after Deadline #2) and I wondered what signs you might suggest I look for, or perhaps what quesitons I might ask. In many respects he sounds like a good, decent person with good values, and that's just what I've been hoping to find. But there is an edge of pepetual victimhood in his story, and he describes himself as sometimes "oversensitive."
He also gave his primary reason for leaving as because his mother told him very forcefully that he was being severely damaged and had to save himself or he'd be no good to his son. (In a way that's wonderful, bt in another way, it makes him sound like someone who couldn't rescue himself. Does that make sense? More importantly, am I being unfair to even think that way? He's middle aged, so that would've been when he was in his 40s...)
Again, I truly don't want to subject some nice new man to such impossible criteria that I'll ever find a healthy partner. But just as I've missed red flags when they were in my face, I'm not concerned I might be inventing some just by overinterpreting. I would love to hear any thoughts on pink flags, good questions, any hints you might offer... I'm determined to get out there in 2006 and open myself to a healthy, hopeful new dating life. Thanks, everybody! I've been reading but not posting and I've missed you all!
Love,
Hopalong