Thanks to all of you for responding. It helps to know that I am not alone. The crazy thing about this situation is that there is no physical proof of anything to anyone on the outside; it's all verbal/emotional mayhem either one on one or with the kids around. While I know people from the activities that my kids are in, it's not well enough to bring the subject of my husband up. And I have very little practice even bringing this difficult subject up, especially at a busy sports event. I suppose it goes back to not having anyone to talk to about my Nmom, so I just didn't. (Dad always stayed far away from her in another section of the house....this is starting to sound familiar). I don't mean to sound difficult; I just feel like the day to day stuff is so time consuming.
On the subject of using his health insurance from his employer: he would find out because the insurance company sends all billing info to him and he sees it. He has made fun of me in the past in front of the kids, saying that I'm so messed up, so weak compared to him for suggesting to see a counselor. Him seeing the records would bring this all on big time and I don't yet know how to counter all that. He will become very loud and verbally abusive at the drop of a hat. He will go on for days putting me down and claiming that the insurance is all his.
If I could end the relationship without ever having to see him again, I would. But because of the kids I am torn over the right thing to do. Even if I got custody, he would be around for visits, and I worry a lot about his influence on my son when they spend a lot of time one on one. Lately, he's been spending more time than ever with son, because he had a huge fight with our 14 year old daughter. She is starting to talk to me about how he never keeps his word, his attention seeking ways; basically she is seeing him for what he is. We got a dog some time ago that he was to take care of, as he was all for it (I was busy enough and didn't want to be involved with it). He promised months ago to fence the yard, to drive about 2 miles to get the dog a license, and to take the dog to be spayed. He did none of these things and when my daughter reminded him of what he said he blew up, way, way out of proportion. He had her in tears and was telling her that "I am your God, you do not talk to me like that." I stood up for her in front of him and told her that I would understand if she never wanted to visit us again once she left home to avoid this craziness, whatever it took to shut him up. The part about me telling her to not feel obligated to come back seemed to have struck something, because he stopped the tirade, started a cold silence towards daughter, and focussed all of his efforts on being our 10 year old son's constant buddy. I think he sees son as the last one in the household that he can fool, and is working hard to make sure that it stays that way. But son is picking up his high and mighty attitude, and sarcasm. When I tell my son that he is rude, etc., and should not act that way, he corrects himself for a while, then starts again when husband is in the vicinity. The physical presence of husband definitely triggers obnoxious behaviors in my son.
If you have read this far, thank you so much. I feel like I am rambling at times. If anyone has any suggestions on how to reduce the time my son spends with dad within the house, I would be very, very appreciative. My husband hardly ever leaves the house, as he works from home, has no outside activities, and is almost like a puppy dog, following my son around, not giving him space, and treating almost like a 5 or 6 year old. LostSurvivor