October,
First of all, hugs to you. Sorry it took sp long to respond.
I can only share my experience re. exterminating all the Ns from my life. Yes, it was difficult, I didn't think and set about doing it with a plan. A moment came when it just seemed inevitable. N best friend, there you go out of the window. N mom, no more c**p from you. The rewards have been soooooo rich that I have never regretted.
I see that for some reason, you are an n magnet. May be because you are sweet and gentl eand trusting. I think the first step in becoming N free is to be AWARE of the damage they are doing to you. I feel that you may not have taken that step yet, and may be that is what life is asking of you? There will come a time when you will want to throw away the lifejacket and swim on your own, you will know when it comes, obviously it is not now.
Quote from: Marta on November 04, 2005, 05:56:13 PM
Quote
This friend has N traits - as all my friends do
What?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
What's going on, October? ALL your friends have N traits? No wonder you don't feel like going to social events, no wonder you are in self-imposed exile. When I got rid of my N friends, which was most of my inner circle, my life changed. For the better!
I don't know how. I know that will sound crazy. I used to have lots and lots of friends, but then I got ill. The normal ones ran for the hills, and the only ones left are my minister friend, who is sometimes lovely and sometimes really cruel, or B, who has given me her keys, but who does not understand personal boundaries (which to be honest is probably why I have her key), or another B, who is always there for me, but does have a tendency to gap search chances to tell her own story rather than listening to me, or another B, who talks 55 minutes to every 5 of listening. Or perhaps my next door neighbour, who cuts my grass for me sometimes, but is a controller par excellence.
The problem is, if I get rid of these people, who are essentally good people, but with N traits, I have nobody left but family. How can I expect only to have normal friends, when I don't even know what normal is?
Why throw away a lifejacket until you have a lifeboat to climb into? There are no lifeboats in sight - they all rowed away years ago. The only people left are the Nish ones, who may be weird, but lets face it I am not Mrs Normal. I am sure I have Ntraits myself, but hopefully not pathological ones. There are graduations of behaviour in all of us. I can now spot the most N people, such as my mother, who would most likely qualify as NPD. Other than that, I think it is difficult to eliminate contact with Nish people altogether. The best thing to do is to recognise their limitations, and keep within them. And also be aware of my own needs, and try to meet at least some of them. And I need to have some people to deal with.
If I went out tomorrow to a social event, and went through the whole room, and chatted to everyone in sight, I can guarantee that the person who ends up swapping phone numbers and being a friend, will be the most Nperson there. But I can also guarantee they will be the person who has something other than tv soaps to talk about.
Seems to me that you are also in awe of Ns, eh? I'm not an N and I don't talk soaps either. How 'bout that????
October, I can feel for you and feel your dilemma It must be so difficult being alone, especially with this nightmarish T situation you have to deal with. But how 'bout starting to make a list of all the reasons why you don't need Ns in your life? Hope you don't mind my gnetle prodding, forgive me if I'm off base.
Love, Marta