Spending too much time alone...

[Sallying Forth]

Oh God Selkie, I sometimes feel like you are my twin....

I do exactly the same thing.  I am always very enthusiastic and the first to agree to making plans, but when that day comes around I will do anything to get out of doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing.  i will make up elaborate excuses or i simply will not answer my phone no matter how persistant the other person is.  I am terrified of being alone and yet being with others does not fullfill something either, unless they are the same as my mother I guess.  Often when I do go to where ever it is all I want to do is go home, and sometimes I fnd it very difficult to concentrateon the conversation.  i don't think they know this because I have had a lifetime of pretending but it's like there is a disconnection somewhere.

Oh this is me to the "T". Mine is two-fold. Sometimes I make hasty decisions and tell people I want to do something when I really need to stay home. Other times I don't know what I really want to do and just agree. This has been a past problem but no longer do I do these things. I think I'd rather be by myself than with others. The need to be alone surpasses the need to be with people. Maybe when I find truthful, loving friends I might feel more inclined to be with them. That remains to be seen though.

I used to be terrified of being alone. I no longer am.

This week I even learned to work on my own very complex vehicle with my h. I basically figured out stuff that I thought only men could figure out. It blew me away to be able do these things. It also gave me confidence in myself. I changed out the air cleaner. And helped change out the fuel filter. If I had a way to access the fuel filter - sturdy step ladder - I would have done that myself as well.

I saw a show on TV the other day about a woman who lives out in the middle of nowhere. And I do mean no where - in the middle of a desert and isolated from people. She has her dogs and herself. Reminded me of my situation. I live in a very isolated town with my cat and dog. I never would have imagined living in this situation and liking it. But that is actually happening. I enjoy my time alone. I am learning to do everything I need to do on my own. Her main heat is propane and back up a wood cook stove. My main heat is a pellet stove and back up is electric.

same thing happens to me in therapy too.  I didn't go this week.  had to stay in and wait for a fridge freezer.....  Even though I knew it wasn't coming (Long story)  If the therapist touches on anything intimate My brain noticeably disconnects.  i tell her when it is happening now so that we can try to build up a pattern around it.  Sorry I'm going on about me but this thread touched something for me...

Hope you are OK

Spyralle x

I space out when a topic is approached which is sensitive. In the past I would skirt it. Now I deal with them head on no matter how painful. But I still do a space out. Then my t will steer the therapy back to the issue.

[Dawning]

But boyfriends are a different kettle of fish.  As soon as I meet a guy I am interested in, an overwhelming enormous gigantic volcano of need erupts inside me and bowls me over.  This is when my suppressed need reaches the surface...  This is the me i detest.  I have big problems with being needy, I think it's so ugly.

Selkie,

I can really relate to what you describe above.  It seems so hard to explain but here goes:  find something that grounds you, something that makes sense, something that you are *naturally* good at, something you've always wanted to try.....others may want to add to the list.  When I felt ugly (truly ugly....not being told my thoughts were ugly) were when I was not doing what I loved even if that meant going on a roller-coaster ride or something.  I had always wanted to try acting so I took a workshop a little over a year ago - midway through my life; most of the participants were younger.  Well, I knew right from the first day that I had made the right decision.  I skipped home, had big dreams of my academy award speech    Through more workshops, I made friends with common interests and we still keep in touch and have many meaningful discussions.  We don't meet because we are needy or lonely but because we have a goal, a dream, a passion and support each other.  And with my recent traumatizing experience with a man, the support of my friends - and I didn't even have to ask for it - was there.  I opted out of socializing with them and, instead, stayed at home giving myself lots of space for my feelings to come up and staying with the fear.  It aint easy.  You've got this board if you start getting really off the charts.  I've even called crisis hotlines before thinking I was going to commit suicide.  This last encounter that confused me/upset me made me see something:  all these years I have felt no one was there to help me.  In fact, they disrespected me, showed no care whatsoever, seldom - if ever- listened and when a sense of loss occurred, the wound would reopen so to speak, leaving me paralyzed and unable to be around anyone.  So now I have joined a groups of trainees to volunteer for telephone crisis hotlines.  I wonder - if you feel needy (esp with men) for example, if you could make some time to volunteer at a shelter for abused women or at an orphanage or senior citizen's home where you would most likely be needed and appreciated.  Btw, Mr. Slick Words (as hopalong intimated) would have sent me much further down the spiral if I hadn't said this to myself: do what you love and it will take you to the right place

Good Luck To You, Beautiful Woman.   Being by oneself is a sacred thing....but don't get isolated.  We Love You!

Love,
Dawning.

[Chicken]

Thank you so much for your kind words Dawning!

I am doing really well these days.  I feel like I am in the process of "healing"-  I really do.  I still have a bit to go as I feel like I need to regain my confidence, self esteem, and well, myself really.  I lose myself very easily.  I need to remind myself that I need to be taken into account.  I still have niggly wierd things with my Mother, who is not an N, but treated me horribly as a child-  I have so many mixed up emotions regarding her that I feel I need to address.  I think this is where i get my low self esteem and I want it back.

I experience similar stuff with my counsellor.  I am fine when I know our appointment is in the distance, but on the morning of the appointment, I just do not want to go.  But when i do go, I get so much out of it.  Why don't I want to help myself? 

SF; sounds like you found yourself a good therapist too.  I am very pleased I found mine.  I believe that with her support I can transform my life and get rid of all that's not me.

[spyralle]

Selkie....  You go girl.....

i love that I am doing really well stuff.  i remember you said to me a while ago that you wished that you were doing what I was doing....  I now wish that I was were you are...  i am so proud to know you because despite the fact that you are finding it hard, you are sticking with your therapist and working...  i think that you probably don't want to go because you are facing up to stuff that you have closed your eyes to before.  I feel the same way, but it is a great feeling when you come out of a session feeling that something has made sense..... 

I know just what that losing yourself feeling feels like.  It's so horrible and it just comes from nowhere.  stick with it Selkie we are all behind you 100 %...

Spyralle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Marta]

October,

First of all, hugs to you. Sorry it took sp long to respond.

I can only share my experience re. exterminating all the Ns from my life. Yes, it was difficult, I didn't think and set about doing it with a plan. A moment came when it just seemed inevitable. N best friend, there you go out of the window. N mom, no more  c**p from you. The rewards have been soooooo rich that I have never regretted.

I see that for some reason, you are an n magnet. May be because you are sweet and gentl eand trusting. I think the first step in becoming N free is to be AWARE of the damage they are doing to you. I feel that you may not have taken that step yet, and may be that is what life is asking of you? There will come a time when you will want to throw away the lifejacket and swim on your own, you will know when it comes, obviously it is not now.

Quote from: Marta on November 04, 2005, 05:56:13 PM
Quote
This friend has N traits - as all  my friends do


What?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's going on, October? ALL your friends have N traits? No wonder you don't feel like going to social events, no wonder you are in self-imposed exile. When I got rid of my N friends, which was most of my inner circle, my life changed. For the better!



I don't know how.  I know that will sound crazy.  I used to have lots and lots of friends, but then I got ill.  The normal ones ran for the hills, and the only ones left are my minister friend, who is sometimes lovely and sometimes really cruel, or B, who has given me her keys, but who does not understand personal boundaries (which to be honest is probably why I have her key), or another B, who is always there for me, but does have a tendency to gap search chances to tell her own story rather than listening to me, or another B, who talks 55 minutes to every 5 of listening.  Or perhaps my next door neighbour, who cuts my grass for me sometimes, but is a controller par excellence.

The problem is, if I get rid of these people, who are essentally good people, but with N traits, I have nobody left but family.  How can I expect only to have normal friends, when I don't even know what normal is?

Why throw away a lifejacket until you have a lifeboat to climb into?  There are no lifeboats in sight - they all rowed away years ago.  The only people left are the Nish ones, who may be weird, but lets face it I am not Mrs Normal.  I am sure I have Ntraits myself, but hopefully not pathological ones.  There are graduations of behaviour in all of us.  I can now spot the most N people, such as my mother, who would most likely qualify as NPD.  Other than that, I think it is difficult to eliminate contact with Nish people altogether.  The best thing to do is to recognise their limitations, and keep within them.  And also be aware of my own needs, and try to meet at least some of them.  And I need to have some people to deal with.

If I went out tomorrow to a social event, and went through the whole room, and chatted to everyone in sight, I can guarantee that the person who ends up swapping phone numbers and being a friend, will be the most Nperson there.  But I can also guarantee they will be the person who has something other than tv soaps to talk about.

Seems to me that you are also in awe of Ns, eh? I'm not an N and I don't talk soaps either. How 'bout that????

October, I can feel for you and feel your dilemma It must be so difficult being alone, especially with this nightmarish T situation you have to deal with. But how 'bout starting to make a list of all the reasons why you don't need Ns in your life? Hope you don't mind my gnetle prodding, forgive me if I'm off base.

Love, Marta