The worst way to be find out about things not going well in the relationships

[j_stice]

Well I have been reading of the threads recently and motivated by the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gweneth Paltrow, I thought that it may be beneficial to ask when relationships have not been working or needing more work, how people found this out? And how they survived and moved on if the situation required it?

[write]

The worst times for me were early in the marriage when our friends were getting married/ having parties/ christening their kids etc and I realised- we didn't do any of this stuff, or even attend unless it furthers his career....almost all my friends got married with either me alone or neither attending.

I was very depressed for a long time about my failure as a wife; all the other women seemed to be able to encourage or pressurise their husbands into these social gatherings. I realised it wasn't just our culture.

I haven't seen that movie, but for me it was outgrowing the current situation: realising I wasn't useless/ stupid/ responsible for other people's problems. A gradual thing, advanced by going into therapy after my husband was very aggressive.

I always knew really, just tried to convince myself things would be ok if I could just find a way of dealing.

And funnily enough- that was true, except dealing was throwing my husband out and telling him to do his worst, because I didn't care any more.

He went to therapy after that.

I was in a total down position- I could have been deported if he'd started divorce proceedings, the whole family were on his side, or so it seemed, and then I had a bad bipolar episode which made me seem like the cause of all our problems.

And it was when I was most ill and my doctors were saying I needed hospital, and I might not recover etc- that was the shock he needed to see what he couldn't before, and what he may even have caused. He has never been cruel to me since. It is hard for him sometimes, he goes to pieces if I am angry or have what I consider normal emotions- he is so much more fragile than I realised.

But with our therapists we have hacked out a new family existance.

That said- I really believe no amount of work could save our marriage- we just have to move on to the next stage of life and hopefully be good friends/ parents together from now on.

[Plucky]

The very worst way?
I pulled out a big kitchen knife and told my husband if he didn't leave the house I would kill him.
At that point, I realised that I was very angry.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Ummm...is it okay to laugh? 
Ahhh...errrr....

how's your temper these days?

Eloise (Hopalong, undercover)

[Plucky]

Well, frankly, it wasn't funny at the time.  But I see how totally out there it seems right now.   I'm glad I found this board where I began to understand what was making me so crazy and it just seemed to diffuse my anger.  What a huge relief.

It does sounds funny now!  But I was dead serious at the time.
Plucky

[mum]

My husband found his live in girlfriend in bed with their builder. I'd say that's the worst way (yup, just like Sliding Doors...a great flick).

I suspected my first husband of having many affairs....caught him in one...and the final straw, well...caught him again. By caught, I mean his lies didn't work anymore, and I 'figured it out".  Horrible, just horrible, because then I realized all the other times I suspected him of cheating, well, you get the picture.  I wish, of course, he had been straight with me, respected me enough to tell me he was thinking of "going outside the marriage", but heck, if he was an honest man........

When I realized that I COULD CHOOSE to not be the victim waiting around for him to "treat me" however he would decide to treat me....well, that's when I took control of MY destiny and made the decision to divorce him.

[stayhuman]

Sorry about your story Write. Are you still living with you husband?

Ive also realised something wasn't right when I looked at other couples.It wasn't that I thought..'that is how it should be'  but more like,  'that is how I want it to be for me'.

But then when I finally did get someone that was like that I was so sick of men that I messed it up. Irony.

[write]

wow, soem powerful stories there!

No, n-h and I live a couple of miles apart. He's just picking up some groceries and coming over for dinner, we have the best relationship I think we two can- in this life!

[stayhuman]

Yeah, I posted that before I read your other thread, sorry  . Hope you continue to make your situation work.

I agree-powerful stories.

[Brigid]

When I really started to examine all the changes my xh was making to himself--loosing weight, buying new underwear, going to the tanning bed, whitening his teeth, buying new clothes and being very vague about his whereabouts--I finally figured out that there must be someone else in his life.  Of course now I know that those are all basic warning signs of an affair, but I never in a million years would have suspected my h of having a relationship outside our marriage.  He always touted his strong Catholic beliefs, said that his vows were sacred to him, and was very disapproving of couples getting divorced.  After discovering the affair, I then learned of his addiction to pornography and masturbation and found all the books, tapes, DVD's, etc. around the house, not to mention the hundreds of website hits that he had tried to erase from the computer before he moved out.

I was in quite a state of shock for some time over all the discoveries and how significantly he had deceived me and for how long.  I feel blessed to have gotten away from him now, but at the time I felt like someone had sucked all the air out of me and I would never catch my breath again.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Oh Brigid.
I know you're all right now, but I'm so sorry.

Hopalong

[write]

He always touted his strong Catholic beliefs, said that his vows were sacred to him, and was very disapproving of couples getting divorced.

hypocrisy can be breath-taking can't it.

Well after I painted a relatively calm domestic picture, ex n-h was vile last night, critical and on edge. He said it was me. I've noticed this before- when I relax and am happy he gets extremely insecure and tries to upset things. Another one of the many reasons we can't live together.

Last night he said I was drunk and manic, I was neither, but pretty irritated by the time he left. I was doing housework to Christmas carols when he arrived, he's always hated to see me dancing or singing around the place ( ironic as I'm a musician )
Sometimes I wonder just why he hangs around if I'm so annoying and ridiculous....

I also feel sometimes like he wants me to be ill and somewhat dependent ( he'd have a fit if he heard me say that- deny it vehemently )

[j_stice]

Jeez there are some powerful stories here, mine had a couple signals: the withdrawal of emotion towards me, the taking a new job in another town, the constant mood swings and advice on how to pick up other girl... well the last one sorta gave it away.

I hoped that this topic could better discuss how people are moving on not what happened. Sorry if i made anyone re-live bad memories!

[Brigid]

I hoped that this topic could better discuss how people are moving on not what happened. Sorry if i made anyone re-live bad memories!

Actually j_stice, once in awhile, it is good for me to remind myself of what I have been through, how far I've come and how much I now have to be grateful for.  The memories are bad, but they will forever be a part of me and over time it almost becomes laughable about how much I did not see or want to see that was going on with him. 

I have moved on and am in a new relationship that is making me incredibly happy.  I understand the mistakes I made and the poor judgment I had where men are concerned.  You can only measure how far you've come, by looking at where you started.  I certainly don't want to re-live it on a daily basis, nor do I need to, but now and then I need to remind myself that what happened was ultimately a blessing, no matter how painful at the time.  I might never have known what it is to truly love and be loved. Thanks for the memories.

Brigid   

[Hopalong]

Hey J_stice,

Are you needing some support for moving on, or having a hard time with it right now?
Want to practice here?

How are you taking care of yourself, seeking out what you need, these days?

Hugs,
Hopalong