Unexpected mothering from NMom

[Hopalong]

Hi,
Wanted to share a small but important moment. My job is in jeopardy and my fear is raging about it (there are the usual threat to health care, retirement, keeping the hosue. If it comes to pass it would be my 8th loss, layoff, etc. in about as many years). I poured it all out to elderly NMom tonight and she was unexpectedly loving. It has happened on occasion before, and I feel especially as she nears the end of life, I would like to acknowledge it out loud. Because these moments are also real. Even though I get so preoccupied with her N side.

What happens is, on rare occasions when I am truly desperate and it's so visible she can't help but see it, and I am in great fear (a mini meltdown)...I'd say about three times in the last 6 years, she has seen me as though a fog lifted. It's as though the piece of her that is truly a mother, not an around-the-bend-N...comes forward.

Her response wasn't reality-based but it was genuine and I recognized it as real love. I am grateful. I told her I felt comforted by her caring and that she had truly helped me by listening.

I know the predomiant personality forces will have their way, but I want to sincerely honor the part of her that would, if she knew how, like very much not to be constricted by a psychic state that I know she can't help.

It helped calm me to be grateful, and there were, tonight...no hooks.

Love,
Hopalong

[pluckyguest]

That's wonderful Hoppy.
The same thing happened to me recently.  Normally I just get an exasperated plea/demand from my mother to  Please Slow Down, because I will Make Myself Old Before My Time,  and I will drop dead from exhaustion, etc, all because, of course, she is So Caring and Would Do Anything For Me.  This is then followed by a request that I take over some time-consuming task for her, which she is perfectly capable of doing herself (she is retired), and I have no time for, such as stay in the voicemail queue at the DMV for hours to sort her paperwork out.

This time, she wrote me a letter, saying that she thought I was a good mother (!) and that I should take more time for myself andI am doing such a good job with the kids that I could do less and it would still be a good job.  There was no hidden (you are becoming a hag) in it, no requests to research insurance plans, no worried statements that my son is suffering depression and that I drive my children to desperation because I take them out to museums and plays rather than letting them sit at home all the time, as we did. 

I was surprised and turned it over to hear the other shoe drop and lo and behold!  That was ALL.

I responded by phone that I got the letter and it was nice, and thank you.  She then wanted a response to her ideas, and I said, but I am happy and we are happy.  And she actually let it go at that!   

Will wonders never cease.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Wow.
that WAS real mothering, Plucky.
I'm so glad you got that moment of it.
And in a letter you can re-read in the future, too. I bet that will help.
We will have these memories too.

Some folks don't get even this much so I want to send love out...
to fill all the hunger.

I think one reason I was receptive is that I also got real love from church members this week, so I was more able to accept hers when she could offer it.

It was just a little gift I want to remember.
Glad you got one too, and I hope others are finding mothering too, if not from Nmothers, then from any kindness there is.

I hope it's all from the same big source. I know we all need and deserve it.

Hopalong

[Marta]

Will wonders never cease.

N behavior is not labelled as crazymaking for nothing........................................................

[Chicken]

That's lovely Hopalong,
You deserve it all the time, nevertheless, when you do receive it once in a blue moon, you certainly appreciate it where others may take it for granted. 

[daylily]

I'm glad for you.  I've had some similar experiences during my mother's illness, and they've been deeply moving.  I'm very glad that you have the inner resources to recognize that underneath (or within) her craziness--which, as you say, she cannot always help--there is real love.  I truly believe that such recognition is essential to long-term healing.

best,
daylily

[seasons]

Hopalong,

I'm so happy for you at this very moment. What a gift I hope you keep somewhere safe, to take with you always.

((((hugs especially for you))) seasons

[write]

it is a gift- in you as much as from someone else- to be able recognise and treasure these moments of decency and humanity.

So shines a good deed in a weary world

[Hopalong]

Thank you, all of you.
You make me feel like I just got MORE mothering!

This the mother-lode! The motherboard!

A very nurturing weekend to every one of you.

(I'm exhausted but know in the Big Picture, this is the stuff that matters, not job torture.)

Hugs,
Hopalong