Got A Load of Anger Out!

[Sallying Forth]

Boy did I unleash it today! I was really ticked with my pellet stove and trying to put it back together again. It's my only heating source and it was burning cooler and dirtier than usual. My stb-exh told me he cleaned it thoroughly. Bull crap! I took the whole thing apart, removing its guts and found very old soot. Then trying to get it back together I had a tough time putting the pieces back in and that is when I unleashed a lot of anger. It was ALL aimed at my stb-exh and not about the cleaning the pellet stove.

Finally I had a good cry afterwards. I definitely needed to do both.

Wow did that feel good.    

When I had a difficult time putting the stove parts back in place I called my guy friend and he suggested trying something which is the opposite of what I thought would work. I did and that is what worked. I called him to tell him I needed help. When I called back to tell him I figured out one side but other side wouldn't feet he encouraged me to figure it out on my own. One hour after trying to replace the stove parts I had success. When I called the guy friend back he said, "Way to go, girl power! I knew you could do it!" He was excited.

My stb-exh would have never said that to me. His praise would have been rather ho-hum.

I went to church today and heard a timely message about preparing the way for the Lord. I've been doing that and now He is coming back into my life in His Time and His Way.

And the guy friend came over today and set some rat traps. He has never seen rat traps like I have. They are called T-Rex and there is absolutely no way a rat can get out once they are in and start to feed. It's curtains. I used peanut butter rather than poison. He found an dead rat up in the attic. Looks like it has been dead for a while so it is probably from last year.

Also a couple of days ago I had to prepare for winter weather and the guy who helped me today also helped me then. He's reliable, intelligent and quick. So now I am set for winter.

This is my second winter alone. I didn't want to be doing this but here I am. Now I know I'll be doing more winters alone but I will no longer be lonely. I am not lonely right now. That has been a great revelation - knowing I am not lonely. I can choose to be with people or choose to be alone. Either one is okay with me. A year ago I could not say that. I know it is because I am reaching out into the community for help. I am no longer isolating myself.

And set for ringing furry, big, rat necks with 4 T-Rex Rat Traps.  

[Chicken]

Now I know I'll be doing more winters alone but I will no longer be lonely. I am not lonely right now. That has been a great revelation - knowing I am not lonely.

Sounds to me like you were far lonelier in your marriage.  You sound great.  Well done!

[Sallying Forth]

I was Selkie. It was a lonely, lonely marriage where there was no love and no attention. I was isolated from other people as well through my h moving to isolated areas.

I had another good cry last night. I was really missing Behr. I really do miss him because he was the only love I had for the last 8 years. Pretty sad. I miss him so much. Why did he have to go? I really need him right now ...

[Plucky]

Hi Sallying,
It's wonderful to see your progress.   Right now it sounds like you are purging some of what you stored up with your exh.  Or soon to be.  More and more you see that what you thought you had, you did not have.  The help you thought you had, you did not have.  Nor the love, that died with Behr.   The anger you did not realise you had, it is coming out now and the energy you spent holding it back, you can use to look after yourself.

Good luck as you continue your excavation.

Plucky

[Hopalong]

Hey Sally,
Do you think you'll want a new animal in your life to love?

Is it too soon now?


Hopalong

[Sallying Forth]

Hey Sally,
Do you think you'll want a new animal in your life to love?

Is it too soon now?


Hopalong

Too soon. I am learning there is a time for sorrow and this is it. I want to be able to give my full attention to a new puppy.

I do have a kitty, 14 years old, and another dog, 12 years old. I am not close to the other dog at all. And right now she doesn't get the attention she needs from me.  She came to us 8 years ago and was Behr's buddy. My kitty keeps me company and she's my buddy. She likes to cuddle. I have had her for 13 years.

I miss a big dog sharing my bed. I miss his huge presence in my life. It is something a little kitty and a smaller dog can't replace or even make up for his loss. I now know you can't replace a dog. It just doesn't work. That is what the remaining dog was to be, a replacement for a dog we had 8 years ago. Same breed. That is why we got Behr because he was a different breed.

I guess that is why I am waiting too. I know no dog could ever replace Behr. I want the same breed as Behr so I will wait until I know I am not replacing him. When I have let him go and reconciled with his death then I will get a new puppy. I didn't think it would take this long. I guess that is because Behr and I were closer than any other pet I've ever had.

[Hopalong]

I sure understand that, Sally.
My first husband (the only good one!) was a huge ol' dog. His name was Big and I loved him beyond anything...
I've never bonded quite as much with any pet since, though I do love them.
I was heartbroken when he died.

Now I almost don't want pets for a while, after the two current dogs go to the doghouse in the sky, I'll take a long break.

You'll know when it's time and the right dog will find you!

Hopalong

[write]

for those who want a pellet stove or similar
check~ http://www.homeexpo.com/HE/w5952.htm
We could all do with a natural-burning anti-anger device!

As for pets...there are so many loving, yearning, decent human-friends out there.

I think I told you all I got my first dog this year.
My son picked her, against my advice in some ways.
I wanted a small puppy, he went right to the older dogs enclosure at the SPCA and said 'this one needs us'.
She was so sad and looked like a much older dog, also had large paws. But the info said 5 month fox terrier cross.

He got his way, and we now have the most loving puppy ever. She never seemed really a puppy 'til she'd been home a couple of days.
Now she romps and plays and has never growled or snarled, all the kids pull her about and play with her.

She's full-grown at 35 pounds, and I just turned around as I was typing to see where she is- right behind me of course.

Never far away.

If you'd told me last year I would be so happy because I have this dog I would have laughed.

Maybe go to your local SPCA and see if the right dog jumps out at you....for me it was not at all the dog I had predicted, but once we took her to play with in one of those sterile little rooms....we knew.

I will never be without a dog again; she is just what I need to satisfy my innate desire to make someone happy, and more devoted in return than I ever thought possible.