Hi everybody,
I've weathered the job crisis temporaily but I'm still walking on eggshells. The deuling alpha-dogs each inneundoed that my slap-in-the-face was the other's idea, but the major N (Snarky) revealed his cards by denying it in one breath and then letting stuff slip that made it clear he had genuinely tried to get rid of me. (The other one, more for his own benefit than mine, intervened...but I found out he wasn't fully honest in what he reported to me either. So nothing's secure, I think I'm in a place that is toxic, and I will have to, in 2006, start a new hunt, I think. Can't face it now).
What's hit me, irrational as it is, is how HURT I feel. I have worked my heart out and done an excellent job...even have letters to prove it. But because Snarkyboss is only interested in digits (databases), everything I've done for the patients and families and other clinicians, reams of correspondence and relationship building (which they told me they wanted me to do at the outset)--is irrelevant. I know life isn't fair, I accept that it's a fact, but on some level, I'm genuinely hurt that my real accomplishments and contributions were blown off so Snarky could zero in on minor mistakes. I know, deep in my gut, it's because I snapped at him one day when I was exhausted from dealing with Mom's chest drain for weeks on top of the FT job, unable to sleep, in severe back pain...and Snarky's the only person I associate with here who never bothered to ask how she was. So, when he was laboring to point out a minor error (which I had already spotted myself and corrected), I snapped, "I simply made a MISTAKE, Snarky." From that moment on he's been after me.
It's like with an N in power (as so many of them are), you can't cross them or defy or show any resistance, EVER. Or you pay. Meanwhile, although there's a reprieve, I'm sort of reverberating with the fact that this man would willingly cause me to lose my home (not to mention moving Ma into a nursing home) and my livelihood...simply because I did that.
I feel hurt, powerless. I have to stuff the anger because the only way to survive even short-term will be to keep my head WAY down. And though I'll be looking, jobs for my skills are very very hard to come by in this town. So this is truly survival stuff, and I'm reacting with horror. Had a couple of anxiety meltdowns and that's passing, but now it's morphing into depression.
Siggh. Just wanted to tell somebody. My best friend doesn't work here any more and KP is positioning himself carefully to please Snarky...so I'm feeling more isolated than ever.
I know this is a self-pitying whine, people have it a lot worse, but thanks for listening!
Hoplaong