Can you help me to change?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya all

I'm posting because I hope someone can maybe advise me and give me options or other ways to deal with this.

There are two things about me which I really don't like, but I don't know how to resolve them.

1.  When confronted with anger I run away.  You know when someone is really angry, when you can see it in their face... well I bolt, can't run away fast enough.  It is such an intinctive reaction for me.  For as long as I can remember, I have always done this.  I know this stems from Mum and her anger... when she was really angry and pulling me out of the room by my hair I was still resisting her.  I remember my stepdad saying don't resist, it will only hurt more.  What can I do by I don't leg it when someone gets angry with me?

2.  When Mum used to get angry, she'd speak to me through gritted teeth... she was so angry, she'd grit her teeth and spit her words at me.  When I've been going out with someone for quite a while, I notice that I do this to some extent.  Years ago with an ex boyfriend, when I got angry I used to speak to him like this (I am so ashamed now!), and just recently I've noticed I've started doing it again, though more under my breath, but if anyone looks at me you can see that I'm angry and that my teeth are gritted in anger and I'm talking through gritted teeth under my breath!  How do I break this pattern, how do I break this cycle?

I don't know if anyone can relate to any of this, but please help me to become a better person... all thoughts, suggestions and advice are welcome.

H&H xx

[Brigid]

H&H,
Well, my dear, I think you are on your way to changing by being able to recognize that you are imitating the behaviors of your mother.  That is a HUGE first step and it will get easier from there.  I occasionally used to hear myself criticizing or berating people in my life with the same tone that my father used with me.  Unlike him, however, I would recognize it and apologize for it.  By learning what would trigger this reaction in me, I learned how to control it and make a better choice for dealing with it.  I can't remember the last time I behaved like this (although I really have no one in my life right now who brings out these kind of negative emotions, so that also helps).

You are still young (at least compared to me) and learning how to control your emotions--even if you had had a good role model.  When you are not in the throws of anger, think about what triggers these emotions so that you can recognize the situations which will bring them about.  Imagine ways that you can better deal with the situation--even if it means walking away.  Eventually, you will be able to control it, at least most of the time. 

Good for you to be working on this before you have children.  I am proud to say that I have never treated my children the way my father treated me and have kept the vow to myself to be a better parent than the way I was parented.

Hugs,

Brigid

[seasons]

H&H,

Hugs, I'm so sorry your mother hurt you. I can't find the right words to express my empathy for you and the abuse you endured.

Realizing some behaviors are repeating in you through your mom is so understandable. You are a wonderful person right now, right here!
Wanting to change these things are coming from a thoughtful, considerate, loving person. You care enough to ask for help in changing these learned behaviors. Bless your heart.
I run from angry people too.......learned behavior again. We/You have to relearn how to engage in a healthy way, knowing we can protect ourselves by leaving if we have to.

You are strong and can stop one moment at a time.

I wanted you to know I really feel for you. I'm sorry I can't help more.

((((seasons))))

[Hopalong]

((((H&H)))))

Boy would I like to get YOUR mother by her hair...she'd be bald as a pumpkin!! GRRRRRRRR.
Okay, so her own sour self is the vengeance and I just forgot my detached-compassion-for-Ns, there.

MEANWHILE. I vote for 2 solutions:
1) you bolting from anger. Why can't you? Unless it's some perilous thing that would cost your life or livelihood...(meaning you might sometime have to sit in a chair and tolerate somebody saying, "I'm angry about ____"--but NOT tolterating any sort of abuse whatsoever from anybody at all)... Otherwise you can always tell anybody who MATTERS that this is the reaction you provide in response to anger. So if they want to get closer to you they need to understand it...you may be able to change it over time, as that's something you're choosing to work on for yourself. But it'll be in your own time, your own way.

I only say that because I am anger-phobic too. Cary Tennis, my fave columnist at www.salon.com, did a LOUSY column a few days ago suggesting that a man who felt brutalized by his wife's yelling become "de-senstized" to it. It's worth reading most of all for the cascade of letters that totally disagreed with his advice and thought the burden was on HER to stop expressing herself that way. Really a wonderful, enormous (even practical) discussion of anger and how people react to it and feel about it...by so many smart readers of that column. I think you'd be greatly comforted by all those difference voices on the situation. It's under Cary Tennis directory on Salon.

2) I like a comic solution for this one. LIke, when you catch yourself muttering under your breath suddenly announce to the air (OUT LOUD): "I forgot! I am giving up muttering! Thou Shalt Not Mutter!! I am not a mutterer! Muttering is mindless! Who mutters, for godssake? Certainly not me!..." (And so on, to the point that you sound so silly you make yourself laugh...)

And for the teeth gritting, I'd devise a simple personal corrective like this. When you do it, just quietly go and fetch a pencil and put it between your teeth and check the clock. Walk around with the pencil across your teeth for 5 minutes. Then you're done. Go put the pencil away. Don't need to say a word to anyone about it, but I bet if you do it, you'll find that habit retreats surprisingly fast.

Hugs,
Hopalong

[Sallying Forth]

Hi H&H,
Your response to angry people is a defense and is appropriate for situations where the person is raging or acting similar to your mother's behavior. Don't fault yourself for that. You have every right to protect yourself from people like that.

Healthy anger doesn't look like that. The person would be making "I" statements and owning their anger rather than spewing it out onto you. "I feel angry when you ..." A healthy response to this kind of anger is to stop and listen. Acknowledge the person's anger. Although this would make you vulnerable and that is not easy to do if you have been abused. You can choose how to respond further about the anger. For instance whether you need to make a change in your life.

I was reading about anger. It is the most primitive emotion and easily triggered. Vulnerability is the most sophisticated emotion and difficult to express.


I can relate to clenching your teeth. I used to grind my teeth at night because I was so angry at my h and my abusers. I would clench my teeth when someone crossed my boundaries. The more I was able to express my emotions in healthy ways, the less I clenched my teeth. My body would also become rigid when I was angry. So I would be tightening up my entire body, head to toe. The clenching is a tightening. I didn't feel it was okay to express my anger. I wasn't allowed to have my OWN feelings when I was a child. Oh I could have everyone else's feelings but mine? Absolutely not! And anger was prohibited.

I vividly remember my grandmother grabbing my arm and forcing me to stand in front of her. I had been running after my brother because I was angry with him. He went into my room and wrote all over my chest of drawers with a crayon. Anyway she grabbed me and then essentially told me my anger was unacceptable. From that moment on I began to clench my teeth and grind them at night when I was angry.

So for me I clenched my teeth because I was holding back my unacceptable anger.

Now my anger is acceptable. All my emotions are acceptable.

[CeeMee]

Good for you H&H.  Identifying our issues and striving to overcome them is sometimes the single most important contribution we can make to ourselves and the world.  That is actually a part of Buddhist philosophy.  They call it "revolutions of one" which means to say that instead of taking on the world's causes or other people's issues, if everyone would focus on their own issues as honestly as you have just done, that would truly revolutionize the world we live in and make it the place we all hope it can one day be.  I applaud you.

I'd agree with what has been said so far.

Flight is a natural instinct and for good reason.  We need to protect ourselves this way in some instances.  We don't want to totally surpress that natural response, but we want to be able to stand up for ourselves when we have a right to and choose to. 

Coincidentally, Artsy, from another post wrote a very similar story about her fear of conflict and aggression.  You may want to take a look at that post.  It is on the "Fear of Attachment" thread, on the last page.

I think that with practice facing our fears, we really can change  behaviors and the emotions associated with them.  If there are deep emotional traumas that are causing these behaviors and emotional reactions, as I said in the post to Artsy, I don't think there is any way around getting therapy first.   

Next time you feel like bolting, stop yourself and maybe even acknowledge to the other person how you are feeling at that moment. "I'm feeling anxious at this very moment" or whatever the feeling is.  Even if you do bolt, if you can stop and turn back, that would be one step towards facing your fear.  The first time is always the hardest but it gets easier and easier.

I'll never forget the first time I began to speak before a large group.  It was TERRIFYING!!!!
I stumbled and fell through it (figuratively) but I survived.  Then I did it again, and again, and again, again.  I thought at one point, I'll NEVER feel comfortable doing this, but then one day, like a science experiment, the transformation took place.  Now, I don't even think about.  I just go out there and do it.

We all have fears.  Fear is a good thing.  Being able to control our fears is what growing and developing is all about. 

About the teeth grinding, I have to second the suggestion that's been given.  Just apologize when it happens next time, forgive yourself and move on.  I can find my face tightening ocassionally when I'm slightly perturbed with someone.  What I will do is take my hands and cover my eyes and face and  then wipe it.  This is a way for me to clean my face and mind of that feeling and when I release my hands and open my eyes,  I am relaxed again

Hope this helps some.

CeeMee

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you very much for all your replies... I have read and re-read them quite a few times now and actually this morning I did the pencil between my teeth thing.  Felt a bit silly, but then I just laughed at myself and didn't feel angry anymore... it just dispersed, a very good feeling.

What triggers my anger?  Tiredness is a big trigger for me.... when I'm tired I notice I'm alot more irritable and little things annoy me much more, silly things like a towel that's fallen off the radiator, or some cards have fallen on the floor, or something equally as trivial.  Another thing I've realised with Mum's anger, is that once I'd left, she wasn't angry anymore.  There are no rages within the family like there was when I lived at home, which is another reason why I felt it was my fault.  For years I've felt that I was the cause of her anger, and maybe I'm feeling more angry myself because I am realising that this is not the case?  Another trigger is ndad's website, so I am going easy on myself and not looking.... I am putting myself first (what a novelty!).  I can't say that this is easy, but I am giving it my best shot.  I have had many years of putting him first, of it all being about him, and the only way I can change is do what is best for me.  Does this sound ok?  I feel quite guilty.

Luckily there aren't many times when people have been angry with me where I've bolted in the last 5 years and it's only happened a couple of times.  My husband tried to block my path the last time, a couple of years ago (not with force you understand, just stood in the doorway), which had me bolting out of another door in the other direction.  He wasn't even that angry, but I think because he looked angry it triggered my reaction.  He was quite bewildered by my reaction at the time, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him why.  For years I'd been saying that my family are ok

There have also been once where I blew up at my husband for something trivial.  All he did was say to me "I didn't deserve that reaction", which was true so I apologised.  But it also showed me how his reaction was incredibly helpful to me... some people would have screamed and shouted in response.

I love the idea of wiping your hands over your face, so am going to try this too.  I understand that face touching is one of the most loving things you can do, stroking a loved one's face etc, so it makes sense to do it to yourself.

I am unable to speak to a large group, or even a small group.  In my last job I had a very N boss, who has a lot of power within the company.  I didn't have any choice but to leave, even though I loved my job... he made my life awful.  We have the office party tonight where I will see him again because my husband works for that company, however at least I just ignor him now, but it resulted in me going red every time he spoke to me.  I've got better since I left but I'm not 100% back to how I was before.

Many many thanks again.... if you have any idea how helpful you have all been, then hopefully you can realise how grateful I am.

Take care

H&H xx

[longtire]

What triggers my anger?  Tiredness is a big trigger for me.... when I'm tired I notice I'm alot more irritable and little things annoy me much more, silly things like a towel that's fallen off the radiator, or some cards have fallen on the floor, or something equally as trivial.  Another thing I've realised with Mum's anger, is that once I'd left, she wasn't angry anymore.  There are no rages within the family like there was when I lived at home, which is another reason why I felt it was my fault.  For years I've felt that I was the cause of her anger, and maybe I'm feeling more angry myself because I am realising that this is not the case?  Another trigger is ndad's website, so I am going easy on myself and not looking.... I am putting myself first (what a novelty!).  I can't say that this is easy, but I am giving it my best shot.  I have had many years of putting him first, of it all being about him, and the only way I can change is do what is best for me.  Does this sound ok?  I feel quite guilty.

H&H, "HALT" helps me to remember to take care of myself to reduce my triggers.  Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired.  These are linked for me and having one can lead to a downward spiral of all of them.  It still amazes me how having a small, healthy snack can make such a change in my outlook when I'm hungry.  Here is a random link:
http://www.draonline.org/relapse5.html

Also, I think you can be relieved that you are not, and never were, powerful enough to control your mother.  You did not cause her rages to any degree at all.  She knew they were inappropriate and blamed the easiest target, you, for her uncontrolled venting.  That wasn't correct or acceptable of her to do.

Put yourself first.  Maybe you are scared that it will turn out like when your mother put her self first, second, and every other number.  I think you will find that putting yourself first still leaves room for everyone else in your life.  In fact, it keeps you from being "halt" and makes you more available and more able to connect safely and joyfully.  I used to be afraid that putting myself first meant being selfish, because that was my experience of my mother when I was growing up.  I've found that being secure in yourself transfers to the people around you and they can feel secure in relationship with you.  Does that make sense?  Getting rid of the underlying atmosphere of fear helps you AND everyone around you too.  After all, they probably have the fears from their own childhoods they are carrying around too.

Keep up the good work and remember to take care of yourself always.

[Hopalong]

H&H,

I have had many years of putting him first, of it all being about him, and the only way I can change is do what is best for me.  Does this sound ok?

 :PYES YES YES YES!!!!

 This particular guilt is like poisoning yourself. Which is what would horrify any loving parent. You are beginning to lovingly parent YOURSELF.

Hooray for you. Yes it's okay. It's life-affirming, it's recognizing a sacred right to be happy, it's getting closer to real self-love.

Don't doubt your own wisdom here. It may feel unfamiliar but it IS good wisdom!
(Deep inside, you really, really do know that monitoring and fixating on him is life-defeating...you're moving toward a richer, saner life. And that really really is the kind and responsible thing to do.
Being kind to yourself, even if it means turning away from him, IS the most loving action you can take.)

imNho,
Hopalong (so cool that you tried the pencil thing. I'm glad it helped! Might keep doing it...?)

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you (((((((Longtire))))))) and ((((((((Hoppy))))))

I really am looking forward to the end of this week when I can put my HALT into place.  I think the possible thing why I find it so hard with my dad's website, is that if I don't look, I'm disowning him as he thinks... I think part of the reason for looking at it was in some bizarre way, proving him wrong.

Longtire, you made so much sense.... I think the thing was that I never felt I could control her anger, I just felt that by being there, I was the cause.... when I was in my room out of the way, then she was ok, after I'd left, she was ok.  The only reason she was angry was because of me being in the same room as her.

However something amazing happened this weekend.... this sounds like quite a small thing but to me this was huge, especially due to the controlling of food as a child!!!  We went over to my Mum & Stepdad's yesterday for a christmas meal.  Now, for a long as I can remember, every single meal we've had gets plated up and put at our place.  There is never any seconds.  About four years ago now, when they came over to ours, I dished everything into bowls and put them on the table for everyone to help themselves.... as a result I didn't get some food because they had ate it all, and when I made a comment, Mum said "That's why I plate everything up".....   Well, it was served in dishes for us to help ourselves, and I have to say it's the closest I've come to actually enjoying a meal with them.  My husband did too because he was able to have seconds.... they then sat down and looked at our photos and actually showed an interest in them... seriously!  They also watched the video footage of our holiday and really seemed interested.  Amazing!!

Thanks for listening..... H&H xx 

[Hopalong]

H and H,
I am SO glad you have a nice memory. It is real. It is something you get to keep, even if and when she reverts to baseline.

It is very precious when an N has a little humanity break through, and I imagine the holidays were working against their usual patterns. When the world is suffused with talk of goodwill, it even gets to Ns sometimes.

I know just how important a memory like that is, because when it comes time to grieve, you will have that to keep. And over time, the rest will be just...what it was.

Good on you and them.

Hugs,
Hopalong