How do you let go of anger?

[Xenia]

Anyone who has had more than a passing acquaintance with a N understands about the anger it brings.  My mum is desperately narcissistic and I have paid a huge price in my life for this.  Her "antics" take my breath away with their sheer self-centredness and lack of care for others. 

However.... I have known her for a loooooooooong time.  And I continue to hold onto the anger.  My sense of outrage is a place of unbelieving astonishment that I come back to again and again. In fact I continue to hold anger around all sorts of events almost as though the anger - the hard-done-by-ness - is part of my identity.

Where I want to be is that stage of acceptance, but I just don't seem to get to that stage in all sorts of areas in my life.  I hate this anger and the way it sticks around to provide me with a sense of humiiliation, rather than just being a place on the path to acceptance.

How do you pass beyond the anger?  I feel like I am stuck in some kind of emotional never-neverland.

[mum]

Xenia: I think I could write a book on this subject.  But at the moment I have a broken hand, andnd typing is slow, so I will PM you.
It's obvious from your post that you know anger rots the vessel it is held in. And since it is your intention to learn how to let this go, you will find help to do that.  This WILL change your life. You know that. But the "how to" is not the same for everyone. I hope my experience helps you. look for a PM.  bless you

[Moira]

hi Mom- sorry about your  hand and hope you are on the mend! Just wanted to say I agree 100% with and just LOVE your expression- " anger rots the vessel it's held in". Wonderful!!!! That's a message I particularly needed to see today so thank you! My slimey ex N has slithered back into my life in a round about way and for the first time in months i'm finding myself in my head obsessing about him in a negative and toxic way. Why am I giving him this power over me and why am I allowing his poison to infect me? He's not up at night pacing the floor obsessing about me! I am now meditating and trying to see what life must be like from his perspective. How sad and empty it must be to be alone and hated and shunned by everyone. How awful it must be to be bitter and seething with rage that others are happy and actually living life with all it's gifts and sorrows. There! I feel better! Moira

[Xenia]

Thanks Mum, any help would be appreciated.  I know that talking is one way and I will be joining a therapy group after Christmas, so that should be helpful.  Sometimes its just hard not to hate myself for being angry as the anger seems to go hand in hand with a sense of humiliation so it feels very uncomfortable.  Anger should be an empowering energy that helps you to change things, not an emotion that makes you attack yourself for feeling it.  Its just that thing about not being able to move past the same old feelings.  How long do I have to be angry with my mother for.  I wonder if it will help when she is no longer around.

[Plucky]

Hi Xenia,
In France there is a saying called "empty your sac".    Picture a sac full of anger and bad feelings.  You are emptying this sac, but you don't know how big it is or how full it is.  You just have to keep emptying it until it is empty.  You can't decide how long it will take.  Don't add more to the sac because you think it is taking too long.

Just give yourself the time it takes to get it all out.  It can take years and years.

Mum, I'm sorry about your hand.  How did you break it, pimp-slapping your exH or Sil I hope?

Plucky

[Xenia]

Thanks Plucky.  I like the image of emptying my sac - I'll work with that. 

The more I consider it, the more I realise that I get stuck with anger because I don't know how to do it "cleanly".  In my family, my Nm was the only one who was allowed to express anger and she did it for everyone and some.  When I get angry I end up attacking myself for it and just cringing with shame. 

Hope your hand is not too painful Mum; sounds like a nasty injury.  Hope it mends quickly.

[mum]

hi all.......i wish i could write....i also wish i had a gereat hand breaking story, but it's so random it would be impossible to explain here.  i will have surgery on wed  to try and piece back together what is now three bone pieces....should be one bone...
anyway, im ok with it, looking rorward to getting this resolved. 

but i feel bad that my anger dissertation will have to wait, but xenia (and  h&h) please know that because it is your intention to learn, the universe will [provide you with plenty of teachers....be open and the answers will be there (i mean look atall the great help you have generated already)
miss everybody...still checking when i can.  one little thought, xenia:  what would life feel like for you without this anger?
FEELing that possibility, imagining it, focusing on life without that negativity is what truly pushed me into the life i want.
that which you resist, persists...
accept that which you cannot change, focus on what you want (not what you don't want) and you will create your dream life...(oh, we are creating our life anyway, by the way, so you might as well do the good version)
love and light!!

[Xenia]

By getting rid of my anger I don't mean losing it altogether; that is what I have been trying to do and why I am in such a mess with it right now.  Anger (and hurt) turned back in brings shame and depression and fatigue.  I need to transform it into a positive energy that I can be used as a source of empowerment to help me bring about change.

Not to have access to clean anger means missing out on on the motivational energy that means:
- being able to protect myself emotionally
- having ambition to be able to push myself forwards into a better future

That kind of energy, I feel, comes from a core of self-esteem which I'm not sure how to get.  I do agree with you Mum, that focussing on what you want is a good way ahead if you can keep your eye on the goal, which means being able to keep faith in the fact that things will get better. 

Good luck with the surgery on Wednesday Mum! Hope it goes really well.  Since it'll be the shortest day of the year - things can only get lighter from here on!

Take care,
Xenia

[Moira]

Hi all! Thought I'd post my wee rant here- seems appropriate topic! Good luck with your surgery, Mom! Heal well! I have a quick update o my slimy ex N. I run into him fairly frequently at NA meetings. He has left me alone and not spoken to me at meetings for months and for the past six weeks he has been on an ungodly obsessive harassing roll!!!!! He's calling me at home and leaving nasy, insulting, accusatory messages- about things that aren't even reality based! I have not responded. At meetings he publicly shares about me every time we end up in the same room together- all vitriole and nastiness. Often sahres using my name which obviously violates the whole anonymity thing. He has been having people take him aside on a regular basis and give him the council that what he's doing is completely inappropriate and only reflects badly on him. I'm starting to see a man in NA and that's what's set him off- despite the fact we have been broken up for 8 months! I guess he still sees me as his " object" as he's not seeing anyone. He is also publicly attacking this male friend of mine. Last night he put on a stellar performance resulting in multiple people taking him out of the meeting and speaking with him. Prior to that happening however, he stood up and cornered me( was stuck behind a row of chairs and couldn't escape!), in my face, yelling" I have messages to deliver to you from a lot of people here who think what you are doing( starting to see this man- who is a doll, by the way and well liked) is wrong...you are screwing up your  recovery and everything you share at these meeting is bullshit...you are a liar". I told him twice to stop, to leave me alone and never speak to me again. Several people came to my rescue. I have been advised- and have been considering this for a few weeks- by several old timers that I may consider filing harassment charges against him. I have a lawyer friend- who happens to know the N and dislikes him intensely- who is quite happy to draft up a cease and desist letter. I heard from a guy I know well who was at this meeting and was one of the ones who took him aside- that I'm now one of four people who have complained about N's behavour in the past two weeks. He has had two more women come forward with complaints about his sexually inappropriate comments and groping. He is a sex addict and publicly wears this as a badge of honour and freely discusses it with anyone who will listen. He has had four other women previously come forward and complain. The other two people are men he has been threatening and abusive with. He is so out of control and warped!!!! I am once again filled with rage even thinking about his abuse towards me and others- especially in a forum where people are so vulnerable and trying to heal and recover!!!! This time around I'm not getting totally stuck in my head, I'm not losing any sleep over it and i'm not writing obsessively about it. I have an excellent support system both in and out of the program. The man I'm seeing is wonderful about it and although he gets pissed certainly , he really doesn't stew about it and always calmly turns the N's shite back on him- " You might want to talk to your sponsor about your issues". Also, the N has actually provided us both with  hours of entertainment in some of the things he alleges and some of his very descriptive name calling! One of his go arounds involved him calling my friend " a low down sewer rat". We are both artists and we're designing some T shirts with a sewer rat theme and have some hilarious observations to put on as slogans! I just hate the huge adrenaline rushes of anger I get sconsistently at every meeting I go to that he's there and opens his mouth- not to mention the being in my face and harassing me every chance he can get.I do love that saying of yours, Mom, about the " anger rots the vessel it sits in". That one really does help me. I'm also trying to focus on the fact it must be horrible to be him- filled with delusional seething rage and he is totally powerless over my life and what I choose to do. Soemone said to me last night that he is in my life raising all this shit for a reason and he has lessons to teach me by his behaviour. Interesting! Thanks for listening! Hugs, Moira

[Plucky]

Soemone said to me last night that he is in my life raising all this shit for a reason and he has lessons to teach me by his behaviour.

Like what?  He's a jerk?   You made a mistake being with him?  He is sick and you're not?  What lessons?  Are you sure?  If I wanted to learn, I'm not sure I'd go to him!
Plucky

[Moira]

Hi Plucky! I catch your drift! I'm thinking more along the lines of- and excuse me for this airy fairy new age slant!- the universe has something more for me to learn about managing my anger and letting this go. As long as I keep letting the ex N in my head- even briefly- I'm letting poison in and it only damages me. I cannot totally avoid him so I need to learn how to deal with this in a healthy manner and I really do want to have some level of empathy for him. Seriously, can you imagine how shitty it must be to be him? Filled with nothing but seething rage and hate and alienating everyone and earning their disgust? It's not lost on him that this is what the end result of his behaviour is. I came home last night to find a lengthy abusive threatening and completely delusional message on my machine. He's " dictating his terms" to me- he thinks he still has some stuff at my place( wrong!!) and is demanding to come and pick it up" on his terms, at his convenience and he'll let me know when it works for him( mighty big of him, eh?!). He's livid I'm starting to see someone- and a man who is well known, respected and loved- woa nelly! A double whammy! He is incensed- how dare I???? We haven't been remotely together for eight months- not on speaking terms even- and yet in his mind I remain his " object". He is telling me that I " cannot bring your lap dog( his new term for my friend!) to any meetings I will be at...leave him outside tied to a fire hydrant". He goes on to say he plans his whole day around where we might show up for our meetings we go to together and which ones we attend on our own. He spit out that his agenda is " to completely humiliate, antagonize and grind me/you two into the dust". Good luck with that campaign! Already been there and gave it his best shot and I'm not playing any of his games anymore! I'm actually afraid physically of him now- he has no history of violence against women but his fixation with me is something his only friend in the world has never seen- and he is concerned. My male friend is beside himself and it is a big job for him not to respond by thumping him one because he comes from the street. He's been in recovery for a long time and is meek as a lamb but the N is deliberately pushing his buttons hoping to get him to assault him. It won't happen though- we both have great support. Actually last night we both talked about the hours of entertainment the N has provided us. Not to forget or minimize my anxiety about his unpredictibility- I am not letting that go. But I am going to avoid speaking at all- not one word even- to him, will plan on surrounding myself with people when I run into him and have already spoken with a lawyer friend of mine- who knows the N and can't stand him. Will get a cease and desist letter- for what it's worth as the N will not be deterred by that- has no hard consequences. Don't quite have enough for a restraining order- but I've been down that road in the past and they're frankly not worth the paper they're written on. The message would be there though which is the main thing- if I need to persue that angle. This morning I spoke with the n's sponsor in the fellowship and had him listen to the message and he was quite shocked. I also have had several guys who have been around a long time and are well respected listen to it as well. Several of them are having fireside chats with the N today. I'm not obsessing about him or in my head with revenge stuff- like I would have been eight months ago but I do believe there are opportunities here for me to work on my own anger stuff. I firmly believe that every person who comes into our lives is there for a reason and has valuable lessons to teach us/gifts to give- and that includes the ugly painful stuff as well as the joyous. On that note....I'll wish everyone a happy winter solstice! This is a power day for me as I'm Wiccan and have some celebrating to do tonight! Moira

[km2]

 :DHi Xeenia, I'm new here and so glad I found this board and your post as it sounds very much like my situation.  I personally don't think you can get to that completely forgiving stage when you have an N mum.  Just in the same way as an N cannot change neither then can the rage felt towards them especially if you like me live in close proximity to them.  I won't go in to the stupid stuff she's done, and yes I understand that it must have been hard for her but what I do not understand is how N's continue not to learn from their mistakes.  I don't think you should feel guilty for feelings of rage to your mum, they are their because she no doubt instilled them in you.  Anger is an emotion just like any other and to supress it would not do you any good, you have to let it out...hopefully as often as you can so it doesn't build up into an all consuming and out of control rage.  I've been dealing with my mum for years and it doesn't get any better, I mostly hate my mum and most definately don't love her because you cannot love someone who constantly tells you they hate you. Sorry but its impossible, any love eventually dies a cold death. However I do pity her and the fact that she will die unloved by her only offspring cos I sure won't.     I think you just have to put up a wall of defense and be vigillant to constant attack until you can get the hell out of her company.  I sympathise cos its crap having a parent like that and they can really do some damage but you have got to stand tough and show you won't be bullied although it can be highly annoying having to defend yourself constantly from their spite and efforts to control.  Hope this helps?

[Xenia]

Thanks, KM2.  Welcome to the board.  I think you are absolutely right about creating distance between yourself and your N.  I keep trying to learn this... but her when her drowning-child-neediness raises its head I forget about Cruella de Ville lurking just behind. The fact that she is narcissistic cannot be changed ever.  The fact that she was an abusive, neglectful, cruel mother cannot be changed. They are facts that I have no control over.  I guess its not my anger towards her that is so much of a problem in my life (but its there, you better believe it); its more about how to undo the twisted training of not being able to express myself, of learning that my emotions were repellent to her and had to be squashed and rebuffed.  Its about how to learn ways not to continually sabotage myself in my life.  What she did has happened, but what damage she did continues to play out in every corner of my life. 

What it perhaps really comes down to is that if you don't know how to experience the emotion fully how can you let it go.  It has never gone through its proper course.  Anger is such a profound and primitive emotion, I think perhaps the only way you learn it is by shouting it out until you connect with it: perhaps one really needs to go through shouting and bashing cushions etc, as how are you supposed to connect with one of the survival emotions that comes from one of the oldest parts of the brain by rationalising about it?

[andromeda]

What it perhaps really comes down to is that if you don't know how to experience the emotion fully how can you let it go.  It has never gone through its proper course.  Anger is such a profound and primitive emotion, I think perhaps the only way you learn it is by shouting it out until you connect with it: perhaps one really needs to go through shouting and bashing cushions etc, as how are you supposed to connect with one of the survival emotions that comes from one of the oldest parts of the brain by rationalising about it?

Emotional patterns that are old habits for me usually have something underneath...I get to it by giving it voice. Just saying whatever words are in my head when the emotion is present, and letting it ramble. It starts as nonsense but after awhile it comes out as coherent phrases...

Its like unravelling something, pulling at the first word-thread and just letting it come out. Trusting it. Your anger has something to give you inside of it - do you want it to just go away? I'm getting a sense that you just want it out of your system. I know that with my difficult emotions, they won't leave until I learn what they're teaching me.

Much of my anger right now is that Things Weren't How they Were Supposed to Be.  A very small-child's rage. I gently ask, And how were they supposed to be? Its ok. What was bad about how it was?

And much journalling ensues.

Grief is under my anger, much of the time. Yours may have a different gift for you.

Andromeda

PS Do those verbalizing things when you are ALONE. You don't want the neighbors to think you've gone schizophrenic

[mum]

hi, xenia, and all. sorry, no caps...too exhausting. surgery went well, thanks for the well wishes.
ironically, my attorney called me soon after my surgery to update me on the latest, lowest and slimiest thing my ex and his "how the hell as a mother does she sleep at night" attorney have done. (a new pet name i gave her).

 the anger thing is huge again as it involves my ex taking advantage (once again) of my children's fear of him.  if it didn't involve my kids, i wouldn't care....which is exactly why he does this stuff. anyway, too involved to go into, but my CHOICE has to be the same for any anger situation. i choose to process it, see what this is about (learn) and then let it go. ok, so i have to let it go every five freakin seconds sometimes, but i am determined not to let this anger become me. if i do, he controls me still.

here's the quicky ABC version, to hell with trying to write an epistle with one hand!

A: acknowledge and announce how much this hurts, how angry i am, how much pain this is causing me. loud and clear, to the sky, on this board, to a pillow...you get the picture. BUT DON'T STOP HERE that's the mistake i used to make...that's why i was stuck in anger!!

B: release!
intend to let it go....i use visualization....a collumn of energy (anything you can imagine that makes sense...teddy bears in a pile, a tree trunk, whatever) i use a flushing like waterfall....especially for the shit my ex gives me (get it?) i mean why would i want to hold onto his feces? 
seriously, i would say that for most of us recovering from n's, it really isn't our "pain" in the first place...we are a pretty peace lovin bunch....it's theirs and we have traditionally had it dumped on us....and most of us are healers (thus the n's just come a knockin) so we tend to accept other's pain for them....but the n's keep dumping....

so anyway, i breathe in (breathing helps a lot) this pain (anger, whatever) and just flush it or drop it down this "grounding cord" which leads to the center of the earth..........where, it either turns back into love or simply goes back to whom it belongs.  which is why (don't be surprised) the n's tend to lash out worse...cause they get to keep their pain...not my problem...
if you are a student of buddhism, this is similar to the practce of tung lin (sp?) although i doubt teddy bears is part of that.....

C: reprogram
very important!!!! don't leave an empty space where old, bad habits like anger/pain thinking can get a hold. reprogram your thoughts for what you WANT no longer for what you don't want.   this is the fun part....thoughts become things, there are no thought police, so imagine your life as you want and DESERVE (ok, here's where the book should start because if your core beliefs do no support that you deserve to be happy, etc....well, you better start with changing that.  and therapy is a great place,, imo.)

ok, how often do you do this? let's see, today (and it's only 7 am) i've been up since 4 am, and i've done it countless times.  anger is important....don't squash it. it's telling you something's wrong. but it's meant to  be a clearing.....not a habit.

Somemone said to me last night that he is in my life raising all this shit for a reason and he has lessons to teach me by his behaviour.

i understand this...my ex is the biggest asshole on the planet, but because of this, he is my biggest teacher....i learn how to deal with anger/my own power/love from this idiot. like the dali lama says: "thank your enemies"  this is what that means to me.

anyway....hope my strange typing an even stranger ideas help even a little.  it really does come down yo choosing. it';s your life...you get to choose how to do it...