Just wanted to run this by you....

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya all

Me and my husband went to his works christmas party last night.  I used to work at the same place and moved jobs about a year and a half ago now.

The background is my boss was a N and he had another manager who couldn't do no wrong at the time.  This other manager and I were acquaintances, and used to go for lunch etc.  However everything I said to her, she used against me at the time.  She is very two faced.  Understanding N's as I do now, I can see that she was just giving the N boss supply, however although I know how she behaved, I never confronted her because I left the company.

She came to talk to me last night, and the first thing she said was "are we ok?", so I replied "yes, why shouldn't we be" and she apologised for how things were when I left and how she knew I could have done so much better, but there wasn't the opportunity there.  She then asked about our wedding and honeymoon.

My husband was shocked that I was nice to her... he thinks that she didn't deserve it, but I just said it was in the past, I know what she's like and how could I be rude when she purposely came over to talk to me?

I wonder now, if because of my past that I am more forgiving than most and let people treat me badly and let it go, where most people wouldn't?  What do you think?  And would you have have spoke to her, or would you have made an excuse and left?

A confused H&H xx

[Chicken]

Hi H&H
This is a tough one because we don't know exactly what went on between the two of you in the past. 

I think you handled it very well though, you could have caused a scene...  would you have wanted that?  You seem to have put it in the past, what so wrong about that?  You have moved on, and moved out, away from it, it must have caused you a lot of stress and inconvenience to do that...   that's how you reacted to it (which in my opinion is so darn healthy)

She probably should have just said a nice apologetic hello, and let you have your space and not put you in the spot, but people like her don't respect peoples boundaries anyway. 

I would say, don't be so hard on yourself.  Trust your instincts and if it's not broken, don't fix it.

[solayads]

Congratulations H&H:

I believe you handled yourself like a mature adult.  You could have dished out some of her own nastiness, but rather, you decided to move on with your life.  That is the difference between N's and healthy people.  N's can be very vengeful when they feel slighted.  N's also like to make it look like you are the bad one.  She may have even expected you to lash out at her......but you didn't.  You didn't "mirror" back the image of herself!

Bravo!

[Brigid]

H&H,
I think you handled yourself perfectly.  What would be gained for you to show anger or rudeness (especially at a holiday party)?  It's not like you made a date for lunch with her.  I think you showed great poise and maturity.   She is a part of your painful past, but you will probably need to see her from time to time if your husband still works with her, so I think it is best to just be polite and let it go. Don't second guess yourself or give it another's moment of thought.

Good job!

Brigid

[Plucky]

Hi H&H,
I think your behaviour was fine.  The only thing I would say, is that I hope in your secret thoughts you don't feel charitable towards her.  No need to display rude behaviour, I agree.  But don't forget and don't forgive an N.    Don't absorb her duplicity and think that everything is ok now.   Don't let down your guard or think she is ok.
Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thanks all... this is what I thought.  Hubby thought I should have just made an excuse like just need the toilet that kind of thing.  We would never have caused a scene.

I don't think she is an N, however the main boss was very N.  He made my life so miserable, bawling out in front of everyone in the office... he loves keeping people down.  Most of the time he couldn't even be bothered to say good morning, just to show how beneath him we were.  When he was my husband's boss, he went out to see him on site under the pretext of having a chat about work, and then tried to show that he wasn't following proper health and safety proceedures, which was false because hubby had all the forms to say he could be where he was to do his job.  This guy is a complete ejit!  She was the manager just under him and was the blue eyed girl at the time.  People soon found out she went running back to the N boss with any info, and I was one of these people.  The N boss ended up bad mouthing me, and people who were my friends didn't want to know.  There was loads and loads of office politics too!!!  I'd never had this happen in any other jobs, so was quite bewildered by what was happening at the time.  But I stuck it out until I was offered a better job and then moved.

It was quite interesting at this do actually, because so few people spoke to my old N boss, even the directors that were really pally with him, didn't really talk to him.  Last year N boss and his under manager were as thick as theives... however I didn't even see them talk much this year.

Anyway, have to dash, SIL and family have just arrived.

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

H&H,
I think that was classy, forgiving and dignified.
She's the one who ought to be a little confused.

Admirable you!
Hopalong

[CeeMee]

H&H, forgiveness is a virtue not a vice last I checked.  I think it is admirable you are forgiving.  Being forgiving is not what causes rude people to be rude, their rudeness does.

I do have a few questions. 

When she asked you "are we okay?"  were you really okay?  If you weren't, could you have told her so in an appropriate way?

When you said, "why shouldn't we be?" did you really mean that?   Could you have told her why you were not okay?

She apologized after all you just said.  What did that mean to you?  Could you have told her how you felt about that apology?

Sometimes when we are wronged it isn't easy to voice complaints about how we were treated.  We may be uneasy with confrontation and  clam up our feelings of hurt, anger or displeasure.  If this becomes a frequent reaction, we can actually be harming ourselves in the long run because underneath, those feelings are still festering when they could have been dealt with by confronting the issue with those who have hurt us. 

How can we know if we are reacting or if we have truly forgiven someone?  My thought is that true forgiveness serves to relieve us from those negative emotions (that is why it is often said that forgiveness is necessary to completely heal).

How do you feel about what happened?  Are you still hurting or angry?

Having said all that, I would say that given the situation as you've described it, I think you handled it superbly.   Even if you hadn't actually forgiven her, the company's holiday party was not the place to sort this issue out.  Handling it politely was the way to go. 

Sounds like your husband is just looking out for you.  Sometimes we can forgive a lot sooner than they can (because they love us so much and despise those that hurt us, it takes them longer )

CeeMee

 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya CM

Yes I can honestly say hand on heart I answered her honestly.  I don't hold any anger towards her because, the way I see it, she was just providing the N boss with supply.  And because I know exactly what she's like now, I tell her stuff that doesn't matter if she tells the N boss.... like how great the company I work for is now, how brilliant our wedding was etc etc.  She said to me that she had wanted to speak to me last year, but didn't manage too.  I replied that because she was sat with N boss and his wife, I didn't feel comfortable going to speak to her, which is true.

N bosses wife is just as bad.  Parading round like lady muck!  Plus I avoid them at work do's because they are always the cause of a fight by the end of the night, either directly or indirectly, so I never had much to do with them out of work anyway.  I can't stand fighting of any kind... just think it serves no purpose!

The N boss did speak to me last year, later on in the evening, to ask me how my job was going... but this was only because my BIL was there who is the director of the company.  I just replied fine thanks and excused myself to talk to someone else.  I felt quite empowered because I didn't have to be nice to him because I didn't work for him anymore.  This BIL has a family get together the next day, and last year he asked me about my response... I replied that if N boss couldn't be bothered to speak to me unless he was steaming, then why should I bother... and BIL agreed.  N boss has a lot of power within the company, but he only got to where he is because the company was very small when it started and he was one of the first people it employed.  However he is a piss poor manager, steals other people's ideas etc... and he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, so watching him organising 20 or so jobs and on site staff was like watching a comedy.  The Project Managers would add their jobs to a big board, and put which staff they needed against them, then he'd come back pissed from the pub on a Friday about 4 pm and change everything around.  Half the Project Managers (unless they were in the office last thing on a Friday) and on site engineers didn't know what they were doing then, unless they went in over the weekend to check.  He should certainly have been nominated for the most useless manager    The general opinion when I was there was that he had some kind of hold over the director's of the company, but who knows how true this is... we possibly all know what office gossip is like!

Anyway, I've got off on a tangent, so apologies for that.... on the whole though me and N boss avoid each other at these do's, and in fairness I had probably put this other manager in the same category until she came to talk to me.  But I know it's because she wants to be liked and she comes across as real nicey nicey, however I also know that I don't spend enough time around her to see her other side, if that makes any sense.

And CM... that's exactly what my husband said.... he was just looking out for me.  Bless!

Take care

H&H xx