Hi All,
I finally lost it with my NMom and sent her a letter. Every year she lays on the biggest guilt trip about Christmas. I had called her to tell her that I would be coming to celebrate Christmas with her and Nsister and kids December 23, and would be leaving December 24, and that my husband would not be coming to he could see his parents. (After 13 years he has given up on being around her and my Nsister). She curtly replied that he should go see his parents on Christmas Day - I explained no, we wanted to be together that say, to which she replied "You see eachother every day" and I am "selfish" because I think about myself for Christmas, and she thinks about other people. All because I'm not going to be there on Christmas Day! I didn't even want to call her in the first place to break the news we wouldn't be there for Xmas - and of course, she acted as expected - a complete jerk. I sent her a letter which she will be receiving probably tomorrow, and I am a nervous wreck! I know you aren't supposed to tell N's what you feel about them but I felt I needed to stand up for myself. This is the first time I have told her how I feel. I have started to set boundaries which has caused friction, but I am fearful about her reaction. I guess what's the worst that can happen? She won't talk to me anymore.....
Dear Mom,
I am writing this letter to you because I think it’s the only way I can get you to understand how I am feeling. After talking with you, I decided I won’t be coming up to celebrate Christmas. I tried to make a plan that would make everyone happy and instead of you being happy about me coming you turn it around and say that I think about myself for Christmas - that you and I think about it differently and to you Christmas is spending it with people and for me it's not. I really don't understand how Dec 23, the DAY BEFORE Christmas Eve is not still celebrating Christmas together. Then you say you and I think about Christmas differently - for you it’s thinking about other people and for me it's thinking about myself. Aren’t YOU just thinking about yourself? If you really cared about me, wouldn't you just be supportive and be glad I can come up the day before Christmas Eve? I was thinking about you and everyone else up there when I made a plan to drive up there after work December 23, at night, after a full 8 hours of work!
Mom, when you act like this it really makes me feel terrible. Every time I make an effort to come up to Portland it is never good enough. I'm never there long enough, etc. Now all you will remember about this year is that I didn't come up for Christmas. I can't get credit for anything! When I told you this Thanksgiving we weren’t coming up, you said, “You never come up for Thanksgiving”. We came up last year! I have told you in the past that every year this whole holiday thing with you is really stressful for me. By the way, Todd has rarely even seen his family over Christmas in the 13 years we’ve been married. So what if he wants to see them Dec 23? Now if he doesn't come up you will turn it around and act like he doesn't want to see you! Todd has always wanted me to make certain I invite you down for Christmas and digs out your stocking every year, looking forward to seeing you. He’s had his family down for Christmas once! Stop thinking about yourself! It has nothing to do with you!!!! Why should he drive up to Salem on Christmas Day instead? Todd and I, as a family, want to be together on that day.
Speaking about thinking about yourself - 3 years ago when I didn't come to Portland for Christmas because Dad was visiting - mind you - it was the first Christmas I had spent with him in about 16 years, you couldn't be happy for me. All you cared about was yourself and the fact that I chose to spend Christmas with him. You couldn't be happy that your own daughter would get to spend Christmas with her dad. What mother would not want her daughter to have a relationship with her dad? You say “he did horrible things” to you. That's between you and him! He hasn't done horrible things to me and has more than tried to make up for past mistakes with me. Are you really the only person who hasn’t heard the basic rule that divorced parents shouldn’t force their children to pick sides? It’s on every talk show since the dawn of talk shows, yet this is what you try to do to your 38 year old daughter.
Now, instead of looking forward to it, you have once again given it a negative tint. I just have a really crappy feeling about the whole thing and I don't feel like coming up anymore. There's too much pressure and too much sense of my failing because I can't meet your standards. What’s the point? Yes, Mom, Todd and I see each other every day. But we are a family, kids or not, and it is important to us to have special traditions together. It's important for us to be able to spend Christmas in our house, just as it is important to you to spend it in yours, with as you put it, your mom, your grandkids and your other daughter. If I come up and I have to leave the next day to get home, you will be upset because I had to leave, not happy that I even came up. In fact, next year, all you will remember about Christmas this year is that I wasn't there for Christmas! I've come up in the past the week before Christmas to celebrate and you even said that we weren't having anything special because I wasn't there for the actual holiday. It’s like you have this image of what a perfect Christmas means to you, but don’t even consider that others may have a completely different perception of a perfect Christmas. Can you put yourself in my shoes and see how that would make you feel? Do you care at all about what I am going through in my life? Or just how my actions affect YOUR feelings?
I'm so tired of you insinuating that I am failing you. Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough. I make an effort, as in previous Christmas years, and it makes no difference to you. All you remember is I didn’t do exactly what YOU wanted. You don't have any empathy for my life. Spend a minute and just put yourself in my shoes. I get up every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday at 6AM. 6AM!!! I don’t get home until 12 hours later, 6PM, every one of those days. By the time I change clothes, read the paper, have dinner, it’s time to go to bed. That leaves me Saturday to do laundry, shopping, house stuff, see all the friends who I would like to see, spend time with Todd. Sunday is spent finishing what wasn’t finished on Saturday and actually getting a chance to relax until the evening when I have to start prepping for the next week. Spend a moment and imagine having to do that week in and week out. Do you want to switch schedules!!! I don’t have any desire to take 4 hours out of the maybe 20 free hours I have on the weekend to drive up there and then have you say it’s not good enough. It’s just ridiculous.
So we aren't able to spend the night every time we come up! Last time we came up we had to get back in time to meet Todd's client - but I still hear about it! We came up because that was the only weekend we could - realizing that we weren't going to be able to for a while - because we are always so busy and had to get back to meet someone who, by the way, pay the bills. Pretty important. But you don’t appreciate that. It was a long day of travel for us but because we care about you, we came up. I don’t know if you just don’t “get it” or the fact that you don’t approve of the life I have chosen. I am a successful professional who most mothers would be proud and supportive of. I am just making sure I am never dependent on anyone else and am prepared for my retirement. Most people appreciate that work ethic, but you seem to fault me for it because it means I can’t visit you on your terms. This constant pressure makes me want to visit even less. If I could come up there and have everyone be glad to see me and appreciative of it, without any guilt trips, I would love to visit. As it is, what is the point? I will just end up feeling like I am failing you. Why even bother or make an effort when the end result is being made to feel like a bad daughter?
I have always told you are more than welcome to visit us here. It is much easier for you, Mom, because you don't work. You have the free time that I don’t.
I love you, and I always will, Mom. I just can't handle your behavior sometimes. I would be more than happy to go to a counselor and discuss this issue with them, because, frankly, I just can’t do “this” with you every Holiday season. It just spoils it and it’s not emotionally healthy for me. I don’t think you realize that as my mother, the impact your words can have on me.
I know you, and I know right now you are reacting and wondering how I can say these things to you. Please try to hear what I am saying! What if grandma did this to you? How would you feel? How would you feel if when I was growing up you told grandma that it was important for the four of us to celebrate Christmas together in our own home and she told you that you view Christmas as thinking about yourself because you weren’t spending the actual day with her? Think about if you offered to celebrate it a little earlier with her? Wouldn’t that be unfair of her?
It makes me very sad that we can't spend the holidays together, but I cannot do this this year.
