Five days after we had a new baby, my FIL left a message on the answering machine asking
my wife to call back. She called back the next day (they had spoken together a little bit before
he left the message and it was pretty late) and basically, he wanted to tell
her that he and his wife were very unhappy. My wife told me that her father told
that there was a social contract in the family and that my wife had broken it.
That he loved her but he was disappointed by the way she acted. He also
suggested that I was abusing her and said that I was brainwashing her and that they
wanted to be sure that the way she acted was coming from her and not from me. My wife
told me that they see me as an horrible person who keeps her from them.
They sent nice flowers a few days before with a word like 'Congratulations to you all,
love, etc...'. I do not understand why they cannot stay with sending the flowers and then
wait a few weeks to see us happily. At the birth of our first child we had our life all public with
MIL living with us for months. I think they could just give us a little privacy and let us adapt
to a new dynamic of our small family (us and our kids). We called them, we told them we
were sending pictures.
FIL was upset that we didn't go (Well, he is upset that my wife didn't go with the kids)
on a cruise with him for his birthday. He had been requiring for a family vacation for
his birthday ('so we get to know each other'... Our kids know them... 'That's the only
thing I want' was the answer when my wife asked what else he would like. When my
wife told him that we had a small child with us that it wouldn't be exactly a good time
for us. He told us to hire a nanny to take care of our child.). We had said that it
would not work for us but that we would come to visit for a week-end or so and that
we could spend a family day together to celebrate his birthday a couple of weeks
after his birthday. A few days before the actual day of his birthday though he knew that
I could not travel because of work obligation, he left a message on our answering
machine telling that he had made reservations on a cruise for all of us, that there
was no obligation but that he would be very happy if my wife could come with her
family or a subset of it (!). We didn't answer right away to this message. In the
meantime, we got pressure calls to go. My wife answered telling we could not go but
they would have fun. So, 6 days after we had our new baby, my wife's father is
telling her that people take separate vacations and that she could have gone
without me. (By separate vacation, he means husband and wife. My IL's do not
seem to support any vacation or trip we take without them. Separate vacations
do not hold for them and us (well I am not sure they actually want vacations with
me...)...).
My parents are far too. We called them less than my IL's and they do not seem
to complain or criticize at all.
A year ago, my FIL pressured my wife to send him her resume so he could send
it to places close to where my IL's live. When my wife said no, he said that if
he had another daughter he would never send her away to study again (note that
I met her when she was away). He also said that he would need somebody to take
care of him when he would be older. MIL is about 10 years younger than him and
BIL lives a few blocks from their house (he is constantly in their house).
Now... My wife is buying some of this. She thinks that maybe if we see them more,
they will be nicer and happier. She does not want to hurt them. She thinks she
owes them something. She thinks that I should have a discussion with them.
I think that it does not change anything if we see them more or less. We went on
a family vacation with them a few years ago. MIL was looking every of our moves
(See the thread about Theatophilia... We have this a lot...). We could not go anywhere
without heavy guilt clouds. We didn't follow all their instructions while on this family
vacation but we did A LOT with them. We stayed in the same house, etc... A couple
of years later (again just 2 weeks after we had another child and after we had received
them very well in our home less than a week after the birth, MIL told my wife that we
didn't care of our elders that her and her husband did a much better job at this), my
wife asked me to speak with my MIL. Among the criticisms that my MIL had on me, I
was surprise to hear that we would go away every day (!) during this family vacation.
False. I think there is not much point in me having a discussion with them. I think it
would just give fuel material for them to complain on me.
I think my wife should rather be firm and protect our family (maybe not right now
when she is in postpartum but in general). Personally, I would be very upset if
somebody (would it be family members or not) would come and complain
that my wife is taking me away from him/her. My instinct would not be to go to
this person. I would rather go away from this person.
We don't have much vacation a year.
Any quick recommendation for me or my wife?
Some good things:
- FIL said that MIL was in therapy. She is 'trying to understand what she
did wrong' (she does not think she did anything wrong. She is trying to
find something). I think she started 1 1/2 year ago. I read that it may take
2 years before a N begins to realize that therapy might be useful. So we
might see results in the coming years (sad my FIL thinks he is 'not crazy',
that we (well, me, I guess) are the problem)
- We should have some time to get help for ourselves in the coming weeks.
(My wife seems to agree that it might be useful.)
- It seems that it will just be us for the holidays (no surprise visit...
).
Have a peaceful and happy Christmas,
SurviveAndGrow.
