Enmeshment-what does it look like?

[Its not Easy]

I have a ladyfriend who has a lot of difficulty articulating her needs and wants. She regularly is drawn along by the demands of her older two sisters aqnd her three children 24,22,and 17 years old who still live with her. She is divorced from and alcoholic bipolar 16 years ago.
 I am wondering if is she is enmeshed with her family or just a passive type of person (or both) . She is just about the sweetest lady I have ever known but there is something not quite right about her family and their ever present demands and expectations.

Her father was a sometimes violent alcoholic N and her mother was the long suffering martyr type. My friend's role in the family was to take care of her mother's emotional needs.
Any books or ebooks on this subject?
Any thoughts from you wise ladies?

Its not Easy.

[Hopalong]

Hi Easy,
I think the first thing is to find out if she enjoys what she's doing. Or not.
Does she like having sisters to be closely involved with, or is she expressing unhappiness about it?

Does she feel used by her children? Are they paying their way and contributing to the functioning of the household or are they being parasites? Does she sound like a martyr when she talks about them?
Is being close to them part of what gives her life meaning? Does she love having a family?
Has she expressed a desire to change, or a wish that she could have more personal freedom?

Are you interested in having a closer relationship with her and feel there's no room for you because of all the family?

If things are basically fine with her, can you make room for all the other people in her life?

I think the most important question is, does she want things to change? Has she herself shown a desire to make changes in her life and relationships?

Hopalong

[Brigid]

Itsnoteasy,

Her father was a sometimes violent alcoholic N and her mother was the long suffering martyr type.

Sounds like my own family.  I also tried to be my mother's emotional support and would protect her from my father's constant barrage of ciriticism and complaining when I was around them.  Ultimately, when he and I would come to blows (major screaming and yelling, but no hitting), she would side with him anyway and I would be the bad guy.

She sounds like someone who deals with a lot of enabling (I would certainly be guilty of that for too many years).  Her adult children should be ready to make their own way in life and she should be insisting that they do that.  My advice to your friend would be to get some professional counseling to help her work her way out of this dependant situation. 

Just my 2 cents.

Brigid