So Exhausted

[Plucky]

I just need to vent.   I've got no one in my life to talk to.  Yes, it's pathetic.   My N mother just left and I have a splitting headache, I'm soooo tired, and I am supposed to pack for our 'vacation'.   My H is getting more impatient every minute but I'm just too tired.  He informed me on Christmas eve that he did not plan to allow us to stay in the house.  The amount he expects to hand over for housing for us, would only pay for an apartment in a bad neighborhood.  So my fantasy of having an amicable divorce is going out the window. 

The amount of work ahead of me to make a new life for us, hold it together for the kids, face my 'friends' and family about the divorce, deal with my H's selfish plans about the money, and deal with my son's newly uncovered learning disabilities seems overwhelming to me.

Losing the house was the last straw.   My H wants to sell it because he wants the money.  He plans to move to the city and spend it on escort services, drink, and loud rock music.    While I stay with my 2 small children in a apartment with no back yard, in a neighborhood where I can't go out at night.

My mother's visit was enlightening, in a sick sad sort of way.  Someone else's post made me realise how little I can relax and always need to work.  When she was here, I did not sit down for one instant.  Of course my mother did my H's chores, so he got time to sit around making mix CDs while I cooked every meal, did tons of laundry, and cleaned house, as well as wrapping all the gifts.  For Christmas I got a book of household tips from him and a pair of formal gloves from my mother.  Thanks a lot.

Anyway,
thanks for reading.
Plucky
   

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((Plucky)))))))))

Honey, you have so much on your plate at the moment, I'm not surprised you feel exhausted.

Though, I know when I had my bio dad coming to stay, I used to be busy 247 and I think it was if I stopped then I'd have to sit and listen to his endless drivel about himself.  At least keeping busy, kept that a bay 

The main thing is that unless you take time to look after yourself, you won't do your two small children any favours.  This is really important Plucky hon... when kids are involved, we have to give ourselves the time to recover so our children will benefit.

Maybe another way to deal is to break it down into chunks, and then deal with one chunk at a time...  If your H wants to sell the house, then surely you are entitled to some of that too?  Which may help to find another place, also there are people who can help... sometimes we just have to go and look for these people when we need it, be it a GP, or charity worker.

Take care of you Plucky.

Love H&H xx

[Plucky]

Thanks H&H,
You are right, I do it to keep her away.  But also because I was trained from an early age that I did not deserve fun or leisure.  And she came in criticising our home, and even told my H behind my back that she thought I was losing my mind because of the clutter!  Which consists of several boxes in our back hall, much less than she, who is retired, has at her house!

So both to forestall the bitching and keep her from trying to talk to me, I work myself into a frenzy.  My H does not provide any support - he watches as if it were a tv show.

Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

Then maybe tomorrow is a day for you and your two small children to do something fun together, with no one else around.  Can you arrange that?

[Plucky]

I wish.   We'll be on 'vacation'.  Which means I get to shop and cook in a new place where I don't have all the utensils I know, I'll get to comepnsate for anything I forgot to pack or which I didn't know we'd need, and I'll get to try to arrange sleeping accomodations for everyone and be ready to get up in the middle of the night when they don't sleep well.  But up in time to fix breakfast!
a complaining whining
Plucky

[Healing&Hopeful]

I am really not surprised your exhausted Plucky hon... with the stress of the vacation alone it sounds exhausting.

Make sure you look after yourself... pack some nice bubble bath, and a candle so at least you may get to have a relaxing bath.  Promise, ok?!!!

Lots of hugs

H&H xx

[Plucky]

Um, there's no bathtub up there and I have to put them to bed, so no time, but!
I have too many duties.  I have just thought, up until now, that I need to work harder.  My H just watched me do it, no support, just grumbling when I asked for his help, no nurturing.  But then I was used to that.
I just have to reduce my duties somehow.  I want to get away from him and his grumbling and do what I want to do.  I dream of just disappearing with the kids.  Being free.  Since I have no good connections in my life, why not?
Plucky

[Brigid]

Plucky,
I'm very worried about you.  You are making yourself crazy with all your responsibilities.  What would happen if you just refused to do some of it?  Will the world stop spinning or your children perish?  No, I don't think so.  You need to cut yourself a bigggg break and take some time to relax.  Don't do the fancy meals, let the dishes pile up for a day, and by all means stop waiting on that bum.  Put the kids to bed, get a book, pour a glass of wine or your favorite tea and sit by the fire and read and rest.  You have a lot ahead of you to sort out and you will need some energy and a clear head to do that.  Trust me, those other menial tasks can wait or never be done and no one will die because of it.  Have you heard of the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all small stuff"?  Might be good reading for you right now to help you prioritize the tasks in your life.

I'm sorry for all that you have on your plate right now and I hope you can find a way to work through it.

Brigid 

[Hopalong]

Oh Plucky, he sounds like such a jerk.
I imagine you've already done some of this, but here's a little list:

1) take paper plates and cups and do no dishes
2) get a lawyer, protect your rights immediately and tell the lawyer what H is saying about the house
  (this is not something he needs to know about)
3) If you have a T, talk about perfectionism and what it is costing you
4) understand that letting things go and slide and get sloppy may be a survival mechanism...you can always get things all tidy iin your NEW life, once this separation and divorce are done
5) Say NO. To your mother. And don't explain. Just say NO. She's toxic and making things worse.
6) Say NO. To your H. And don't explain. Just say NO. He's a parasite and making things worse.
7) Ditto, ditto, take care of yourself. (Accepting all this "responsibility" as your own without questioning that is not taking care of yourself. It's buying in to their vision...your mother's and your H's. And they're both distorted and you KNOW you want a different life.

Have more faith in yourself but don't translate that into being superwoman. See your limits and respect them. Driving yourself into illness or collapse is not an accomplishment. You're not named Perfect, you're named Plucky.

Please....don't confuse the two.

Big hugs,
Hopalong

[Plucky]

Driving yourself into illness or collapse is not an accomplishment.

Oh!  I suppose you are right.  In a sick way, I guess I only define my boundaries by when I collapse.  And then I think, aha!  that is my limit!

My H does actually wash the dishes.   And he does other things, just not nearly as much as I do and not necessarily what is needed at the time.  His timing is atrocious.   But yes, I think I will cancel that last trip to the natural food coop and my family will just have to eat pesticides a few times.  And I will let them eat in a restaurant instead of trying to cook dinner upon our arrival.  Thank you for pointing out what is obvious to everyone but me.
 
The Children of the Self-Absorbed book does talk about exactly what I am doing.  I thought I was pretty aware of my N issues.  But my second set of eyelids still needs to be pried open.

Thank you Hoppy and Brigid and H&H.
Plucky

[SurviveAndGrow]

Hey Plucky!

You have us to speak with!  I think it is important.  It is important for
me to have you.

First I am sorry that your mother made you do all these chores when you
were younger.  I am sure that the fact that you kept working hard as an
adult for your family is not something 'lost'.

Really go step by step.  The trip first... I guess all the rest can wait.  
Try to put the other things on an imaginary shelf when you leave home.
Nothing bad will happen during this time.

I guess it is too late or not feasible to cancel the trip tomorrow.  Still you
might be able to come back a day or two earlier if it is very tiring once you
are there.  But I'm sure it will be fine when you manage to sleep and relax
a bit there.

I am quite sure that the kids won't mind if there is 'real' mess during the
vacation.  (Not the couple of boxes at the wrong place ).  Feed them
but only simple things.  I am quite sure they love pasta with butter.
Don't clean much except when necessary.  If you put the cleaning and
cooking at a very low priority, you will be able to put the other ones up
(read a book, walk, sleep, play with the kids, etc...).
Hmm, it works here (the mess, etc...) at least... I am going to put the
pasta in water .  

Enjoy and relax, Plucky!
Send us an imaginary post-card at some point when you see something
beautiful there,

Hey...    Your mother will not be there...

SurviveAndGrow.

[Marta]

Plucky,

Your husband may have all the plans in the world, it costs nothign to make plans. Your plans are another story however. What are your plans? Are you gonna let him get his way or demand what you think is right and fair? If so, you gotta take action my girl.

Glad that the mom left. Now you forget about the vacation you're supposed to be taking (why on earth are you taking a vacation with a hubby you're divorcing and sick and tired of?)

If you feel obliged to go, just ignore him and pretend to have a nice time with your kids.

Love, Marta

[write]

Just say NO.
What's the worst that can happen?

(((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Gail]

Hi Plucky,

The best thing my lawyer did for me was freeze the assets right away. (It's best to get the ball rolling without even letting H know you've seen an attorney.) That meant XH couldn't access his retirement money, borrow against the house, etc.  It would mean that your H couldn't sell the house.  You really need to get the very best financial deal you can, so hold as firm as possible.   Figure out your assets and liabilities and, above all, don't rely on H to be fair to you or all that concerned about the childrens' financial well being.  My attorney told me to consider my XH my enemy in the financial sense.  I thought that was harsh until XH told me what he was going to suggest as a settlement.  It was ludicrous, especially since almost all our assets came from my side of the family. 

Another thing that really helped me was to go to a Divorce Care support group.   I found one at a local church.   It helped to be with other people who were going through the same trauma, and there was a lot of practical information.

My heart goes out to you, because I know how hard it is to go through all this.  It's worse to stay in a terrible marriage, though.  I almost lost my health.  I honestly think I would have completely collapsed if I'd stayed in the marriage any longer.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Oh!  I suppose you are right.  In a sick way, I guess I only define my boundaries by when I collapse.  And then I think, aha!  that is my limit!

Plucky... on my other post you told me that I deserve the doctors time, that I am no less important than anyone else...

Well, back at ya hon.... Why are you less important that you have to take so much on? YOU deserve time to relax, refresh and recharge your batteries.  Write a list of everything you need to do and prioritise it between 1 & 10, 1 being urgent and 10 being can be left until another day!

You deserve time to take care of Plucky who in turn can take care of her two small kids.  But only you can do it hon, your H is not going to suddenly take care of more chores, your Mum is not suddenly going to micraculously turn into miss helpful mum of the year, and you are not going to be any less exhausted unless you change it around.  I think we all have our roles which we slot into to based on others... you can break out of your role and be the person Plucky wants to be.  Think of it as a new opportunity for Plucky.

Take care

Love H&H xx