I'm p'd

[Sela]

Ok......warning to all those with sensitive ears/eyes or open wounds/not ready for real loud anger........this may not be the thread for you to read........I'm not holding back now...so be warned!!


I'm truly pissed that I've wasted so much time agonizing over stuff I can't do a thing about!!

So A:  I'm pissed at myself

And B:  I'm double pissed at the jerks that caused me to have anything to agonize over.

And C:  I'm letting it out now because I'm tired of trying to live with it all......carry it all.......understand it alll....and find peace with it all!!

THERE IS NO PEACE IN THIS!!  FOR ME.....THE ONLY WAY OUT IS TO SPIT IT OUT!!  STAMP ON IT!!  STEP OVER IT!!  WALK AWAY FROM IT!!!

ok..........yuck!!

My flippin' experiences suck!!  (some of them).  The people who have hurt me.......SUCK!!!  Big time!!
And some of my reactions suck too!!!

I hope they can somehow change the way they are but I ACCEPT THAT THAT PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

I am going to do my best to CHANGE ME!!

Another "ex-friend" contacted me again recently.  I wouldn't mind if I truly believed my ex-friend wants to be friends......wants to know me.......wants to share with me....

BUT THE TRUTH IS SHE IS JUST PROBABLY TRYING TO RELIEVE HER OWN GUILT BY CONTACTING ME (to prove to herself that she hasn't abandoned me) WHEN ENOUGH TIME GOES BY .........TO PRETEND/PROVE WE ARE STILL FRIENDS.......AND IFFFFFFFFFF.....I SHOULD DARE MENTION ANTYHING .......REAL.........ANYTHING.......HONEST.........ANYTHING.......HELP US.....PAINFUL?????????

That's it.  No reply.  No response.  No nothin' for another long, long, long time.......when she must be thinking I've forgotten that she didn't respond, didn't reply, IGNORED what I tried to communicate.

AM I AN N?  IT FEELS AWFUL TO BE IGNORED!!

Nope.  Not going there.  I'm not.  It's wrong to ignore your "friend" when she communicates something real or honest or painful or whatnot.  It's wrong to just...not respond, not reply....ignore.  THAT'S NOT FRIENDSHIP!!  THAT'S SOME CRAZY JUNK I DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND ANY MORE ABOUT!!!

THAT'S BLOODY N BEHAVIOUR!!  NO MORE FROM YOU EX-FRIEND!

YOU ARE CERTAINLY AND MOST PERMANANT LY........AN EX-FRIEND NOW!!   I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!

How stupid of me to give her so many chances to say something.......anything real.  Nope.  Not stupid.

Hopeful.

It's ok to be friggin' hopeful as long as you're not hoping for the UTTERLY impossible or expecting it.....FROM PEOPLE INCAPABLE OF BEING REAL!!  I can hope for me now.

Hey!  Look at that!!  Meeeeeeeeeeee using the word "incapable"!!!  A BIG, BIG STEP!! 

Yes.....I accept that my EX-FRIEND CANNOT communicate within the bounds of reality because it is just TOO  terrifying for her and TOO impossible.......BECAUSE SHE CAN NOT handle anything real.  How sad.

I feel ok about being generous with her and patient.  BUT MY PATIENCE HAS JUST RUN OUT!!

And my abusers...............

CAN GO PEE UP AS MANY TREES AS THEY CAN FIND IN THE WIND!!

They are pathetic.  And they have pissed me off, no double pissed me off........ enough times.

FROM NOW ON.........I WILL SIMPLY IGNORE THEM!!

That might be mean (because I don't like being ignored) but I NEED TO DO IT TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM ANY MORE OF THEIR ................DISRUPTIONS.

They've disrupted my life for the last time.

From now on.......I'm living my life as if they do not exist.
From now on.......I'm not going to hear the messages they send.....not going to react....comment....at all.
From now on.......I'm going to live as IFFFFFFFFFFF they are not in my HEAD!!!
And eventually......they will be gone from my head!!  Real soon, I hope!!

How's that for some really nifty new years resolutions!!

My rotten, cruel, selfish, jealous......LYING, big-mouthed, hate-filled, sick, controlling, conniving, snake-eyed, two-faced, twisted, button-pushing, black-hearted, shameless, conscienceless, cowardly, manipulative, self-absorbed, big-assed abusers can go ROTT....CORRODE.......AND TREMBLE elsewhere....away from me and my head!!

I INTEND TO ENJOY THE REST OF MY LIFE......
I INTEND TO QUIT GRIEVING ABOUT WHAT I'VE LOST AND START ENJOYING WHAT I STILL HAVE.
And I INTEND TO LIVE WELL IN SPITE OF THEM!!! (starting this day!!)

The lot of low-down-conning-cheating-destructive-sad-excuses-for-human-beings that they are!!!  They ARE sick but they still make CHOICES!!  ARE CAPABLE OF MAKING CHOICES!!!

CHOICES to open their EVIL, ARROGANT mouths and CHOICES to ACT OR NOT ACT in ways that hurt, or in ways that DON'T help anyone.......other than themselves!!!

May God have mercy on their poor pathetic pitiful peanut-sized souls!!

I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE THE WAY THEY'VE BEHAVED TOWARD ME AND SOME DAY.......  THEY WILL PAY FOR THE HARM THEY HAVE CAUSED!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (MAD......ANGRY LAUGHTER!!!).  I happen to believe in another life, after this, another world, a fair world, a world where people who behaved badly here will be served justice on a big distasteful platter before being allowed in.... and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (MORE MAD....ANGRY..LAUGHTER) because my abusers don't believe in such a place.....because ofcourse......it's TOO TERRIFYING  to believe in such a place eh???????????......... hahahahaha......THEY SUCK!!!  (I guess we'll find out who's right eventually eh?  Hahahaha!! Heeeheee.   )

ENOUGH THINKING ABOUT THEM!!

Until FURTHER NOTICE.........I'M NOT LETTING THEM ROB ME of ANY MORE.....TIME......in this LIFE.......OR PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From now on......I'm thinking about me......doing what I have to do to help me.......FOR ME!!

                                                   I can hope for me now.

I'm not sure if I'm finished ranting or not but I am sure it's helping to just get this out.  I wasn't feeling a whole lot of anger until recently (thankyou my friend who has helped me lose the guilt over feeling angry)....and now.......I'm thinking of it.....anger....... as another step onward.......another phase in healing........

GOOD!!

Soon!!  Very soon!!  I'll be feeling like MEEEEEEE again......instead of like some


........tired, beaten, shell of me.  I'm not hollow.  I'm not beaten.  I'm not even tired today!!

I'm alive!!!  I can feeeeeeell!!  I can rant and live to tell about it!!!  I'm not flippin' afraid of myself!!!  Or of anyone knowing what I'm really like!!!  I don't have to lie to myself or pretend to be better than anyone.  I'm not!!!  I like the truth too!!!  I like smiling and laughing and I haven't stopped that.....even after all.   I don't have to lie down and die because stuff hasn't worked out the way I'd like it to.  I can adapt.  I can't CHANGE anyone but me!!  And I can change me!!!  I can work on me!!  I have done so and will keep at it!!  I've taken more than my share of responsibility for stuff too.

I knew all that but the difference now is.......I'm not afraid to say it out loud!!!  I don't have to hide in FEAR of knowing myself!!  I'm starting to stop doubting myself!!  My instincts are good and I know it!!   It's not N to take care of me.

I CAN WALK IN HOPE.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   'An I ain't ascared o' th nex world neither!!!  Heeheehee!!

I'm no saint!!  But by Jeepers it won't be the first time I face up to my own behaviour......tell the truth....accept consequences!!  I'm not shakin' in my shoes because I know I haven't purposely or intentionally and particualrly, repeatedly hurt anyone.    I have certainly made poor choices and some mistakes sometimes.  And I keep trying to learn!!  I'm not giving up on myself!!

I'M JUST NOT PERFECT!!! (and I can't make everyone happy!!!)

YIPEE!!!  I'm not the crazy one!!!  Not as angry as when I first started typing either!!  And if I need to feel angry tomorrow.........I'm gonna!!!
No guilt.  No regrets.  I'm entitled and it's ok.

Gee....does that sound simple or what?  But for me........it feel like a million mile journey.

Life is too short to spend it agonizing over the Nish or their deeds.

Thankyou to any and all who read, understand and reply. 

Sela

PS:  Anyone else starting to cook or pasteurize anything??  Any resolutions for 2006?

Hope this coming year is the best for all!!

[miss piggy]

Well hel-lo Sela!

Happy New Year!   

Hey, have you seen my diary laying around anywhere?  Seriously, I read your whole rant and was cheering you on.  I confess I laughed a couple of times out of self-recognition.        I've felt like this and thought all of this when getting backstabbed again by yet another selfish rules-are-for-the-other-guy Me Me Me Bully N.  I'm so glad I'm not in their head.

I mostly try to dodge these people now but when they become a rock in my road I pull out my doublebarrel shotgun and blast away.  (a particular person comes to mind...)  No more intimidation for me, thank you!

How 'bout we cook and pasteurize some Nness out of our lives?    MP

[Sela]

Hiya Miss P:

No more intimidation for me, thank you!

Need that one tatooed on my forehead!

How 'bout we cook and pasteurize some Nness out of our lives?

Yes.  Like I do when I do my relaxation and visualization excercises sometimes.......and I picture a big pot....and I'm there like a wrinkley old witch.....stirring and stirring......and things just start floating.....evaporating out of the pot......sometimes......words.....feelings.......stuff I want to get rid of or stuff I want to stop focussing on.  I let it all come out of the pot, as I stir it up wickedly.

Ok......that's like pasteurizing I guess.....or cooking.  Begone Nish.

Bubble, bubble, bubble. 

I might be back to rant some more.  I don't know. 

I've felt like this and thought all of this ...

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone Miss P.  I appreciate that very much.

And for helping me feel like I'm not the only mad hatter around (steam......rising from my brim and puffing from my ears!!)

Good.

Nothing wrong with that eh?  (as long as it seeps out and doesn't stay in....cooking up pressure).

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Sela you are a mighty wind!
(And funny while you're at it.)

I wonder, could you make this into a Hallmark card?

You know, just a pleasant little opener on the front, maybe with daisies on it...maybe it could say something (in sweet script) like: "I have something I'd like to share with you, my friend..." [tweet, tweet, birdies, blossoms, butterflies...]

And then when one opens the card, out come the FLAMES!!!   

Glad you burned out those roaring feelings in such a healthy way and in such a safe space.

Good for you!

Hopalong

[longtire]

Sela, YES!!!!!   

[Guest444]

I understand you.  Your feelings are OK.  A-OKAY. Okey dokey.  Perfectly reasonable.  Sounds dead nuts on, to me. 

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((((((Sela))))))))))))

Rant loud and proud honey.... we hear YOU!!!!!!

Here's to validation of feelings for the New Year 

H&H xx

[Brigid]

Sela,
Way to go!!!   I'm with you all the way on this and it feels good to let it go and move on.  Our ability to have happiness, fullness of life, true friendships, the love and respect of our children, a love relationship that is based on honesty and respect rather than lies and deceit, and a love of ourselves is all possible for us and never will be for them.  But we must want that for ourselves and be willing to seek it out and allow it to embrace us.  You are doing that now and I'm very happy for you.

2006 will be a good year, don't you think??

Hugs,

Brigid

[Sela]

Thankyou all:

I am a moron.  I am one, because I always doubt my feelings until someone like you articulates them and then I realize I am not alone!

Sugarre, I don't think you're a moron.  I think maybe you may have been confused about what you feel or have been taught to repress it, or maybe you aren't sure how to put it into words, or you possibly lack the confidence to go ahead and say what you feel??? (like none of the rest of us have ever been there )

Moron sounds derogatory......a put down.   Please don't put yourself down for not being able to articulate everything perfectly.    That's not fair.  Your not expected to be able to do that.  When have you been allowed/felt comfortable enough to express your feelings fully??  You are definately not alone.

I think it is so cathartic and healthy to let this out and take a stand for yourself.

Thanks Jac.  Especially for saying "healthy".  Ya.  I like that.  It's healthy to get this out and I appreciate you saying that.  Reinforces my decision to post in the first place (which I really wrestled with).  Thanks.


Oh Hoppy!  That's too funny about the Hallmark card!!  It does sound a bit revengeful though.  I must be really strange because I don't want revenge.  I just want to get on with my life and stop letting ....allowing the past to creep into my brain and sit there .....like a lump of.......poo.

It stinks......especially after awhile.  Thanks for being glad for me expelling some of that.  Pew!!  Thanks for making this a safe place for me to do that (it's like air freshener here!!).  Without people like you, who jump in and encourage others.......I would be sitting here wondering if I'm the only person alive with a flaming Hallmark card (and I love the disguise....flowers, butterflies, birds....on the outside.  Too cute!!).

Thanks Long.  Good to hear from you.  Hope things are going well for you.  Glad you're still here.

Thanks Guest444 for saying my feelings are "ok.....reasonable......dead nuts on...." (verses live nuts?? )  That's so validating and it feels good reading your words.  Thankyou.

And Thanks H&H for that validation too and permission to keep ranting.  I might.

Not today but maybe later.  I know this anger won't dissipate in one day but it does feel like the draw bridge has been lowered......the gate is open......and the ball is rolling.....picking up speed......sparks flying.

Yes Brigid.......move on.  Nothing stays the same but I've felt like I've been in the same negative place for waaaaaaay too long.  And you're quite correct, I think.  There is soooooo much we can enjoy that our abusers can't.  They truly are the stuck ones.  Thanks for being happy for me.  That means a lot.  I do think this will be a good year and I hope it will be for everyone here.

Yep.  I have to get off here now but I'll be thinking of you all today with grateful, warm thoughts and wishing you all will be moving on.....too.  To better things.  To a happier place.  Even though it's tough to get going and pass through.  I really believe it's possible.

Thankyou all for being so supportive.  Life is really too short.  It really is.

I'm getting on with mine......if it's the last thing I do!!

I'm tired of being stuck........or whatever I've been.

(((((((((((((((all)))))))))))))))

  Sela

[CeeMee]

Sela,

I've been away.  I'm sorry I wasn't around to cheer your venting on.  Good going.  I totally agree that getting it out is so necessary and so much of what you say is true.  I loved Hoppy's idea about the card and agree with Ms. P that some parts had me laughing.  Gosh, I wish I could get angry like that and spew it all out.  Friendships and family are the two areas that I have much to spew about but can't find the energy to do it any more.

Sela wrote: BUT THE TRUTH IS SHE IS JUST PROBABLY TRYING TO RELIEVE HER OWN GUILT BY CONTACTING ME (to prove to herself that she hasn't abandoned me) WHEN ENOUGH TIME GOES BY .........TO PRETEND/PROVE WE ARE STILL FRIENDS.......AND IFFFFFFFFFF.....I SHOULD DARE MENTION ANTYHING .......REAL.........ANYTHING.......HONEST.........ANYTHING.......HELP US.....PAINFUL?????????

This is familiar.  My relationship with my sister has that same superficiality.   We don't talk about anything but fluff and I don't try to take it anywhere anymore.  Since I'm not one for small talk, that leaves the conversation lingering at times but I don't take the lead anymore.  We used to be very close and our conversations flowed easily.  We talked regularly and about our deepest feelings and thoughts.  Then as she went through her "transformation" "reparenting" or whatever the hell you want to call it, those conversations were made taboo.  Like you say, I began to feel invisible whenever I brought up something that she didn't want to discuss.  I never really learned why this happened either.  I can only attribute it to her involvement with the church she attends and its pastors.

Sela wrote:  I INTEND TO ENJOY THE REST OF MY LIFE......
I INTEND TO QUIT GRIEVING ABOUT WHAT I'VE LOST AND START ENJOYING WHAT I STILL HAVE.
And I INTEND TO LIVE WELL IN SPITE OF THEM!!! (starting this day!!)

This was my favorite part of the post.  YES.  No more grieving.  Enjoy what is!  It's so funny.  I have come to realize this over the last few days myself. 

We have this show out here called "Everybody Loves Raymond"   It is a really funny show.  In a recent episode  Raymond becomes obsessed about someone who he learns doesn't like him.  This guy is polite to him but Raymond has it on good authority that the guy has told others he doesn't like him.  This sends Raymond into a major funk agonizing over it.  Raymond struggles to know why, why, why.  Meanwhile, Raymond's wife assures him that he is loved by the people who are most important in his life, his wife and kids.  They all surround Raymond and give him a big family hug.  Well this lasts for about two minutes before Raymond gets an invitation to go to a party that will be attended by this person who doesn't like him.  Raymond wants to go to the party and try to find out what the problem is and work it out.  At the same time as Raymond is talking about going to this party, his son asks him to come play as Raymond had agreed to just before the invitation to the party came.  Of course, Raymond blows his kid off and goes to the party.  Long story short, the guy has no interest in being Raymonds friend and totally insults Raymond.  This finally opens Raymonds eyes up and he realizes how UNIMPORTANT these people are and how foolish he has been putting so much energy into them while his family stands by trying to get his attention to tell him....we like you...we love you... we care about you... 

This episode hit me squarely between the eyes.  And then to read your post Sela, well that sealed it for me.  No more grieving about lost frienships or relationships. 

Happy New Year

CeeMee

[Sela]

Amen!!! (((((((((Ceemee))))))))

My relationship with my sister has that same superficiality.

That's exactly what it is and it isn't going to change.  No matter how much we grieve the loss of what used to be......it will not bring it back to what we want.  At least.....grieving won't bring it back.

In my case......I don't want to bring the relationship with my "ex-friend" back or even have a relationship with her any more.  I have lost trust in her and I have clearly explained why.  I have sent her a letter, 3 years ago, explaining my discomfort, taking the blame....saying it's MYYYYYYY problem and saying basically......goodbye, good luck...and specifically:  "Please do not contact me again".  The letter was returned to sender(re-sealed).  She continues to contact me a few times per year.

At first I thought:  "She just doesn't want to let go"....and so I tried to communicate....one last time.  Last Easter she told me:  "I'm glad to hear you're happy and everything is going well".  I responded by saying:  "It may sound that way but actually, I still live a big part of my life in fear".

That was it!!  Didn't hear from her again until now:  "Merry Christmas".

I feel like saying:  _____________________Offffffffffffffff!!!

Not very nice.

That's how I feel.  Go away.  Leave me alone.  Stop pretending you want friendship when really what you want is...........to believe you are my friend.  You aren't.  Get lost!!

I began to feel invisible whenever I brought up something that she didn't want to discuss...

Me too.  Like my mouth was moving but no sound was coming out.  Or her ears were full of some invisible blocking agent.

I want to tell her exactly what I think and feel but I know I will feel worse about myself for doing so, afterward.  Plus (and this is a real biggie):

SHE DOESN'T HEAR ME ANYWAY!!!!!!

Instead.......I guess I have to do the next least worst thing........ignor.

"Merry Christmas"      ???????

(no response)

Ooooooops.  Already responded with:  "Same to you", which was much better than ____________Offffff!!!

But .....(no response) would be a whole lot better than that...BECAUSE i FEEL LIKE I'M NOT BEING CLEAR!!

Next time.  For sure.  Ignor.

No more grieving about lost frienships or relationships.

 

Well........it's said we must all grieve our losses and grieving takes all of us to a different place, over a different time period, and you can't rush grieiving, and grieving is necessary and blah blah blah.......

Ok....so how much grieving is necessary?  How long does it have to last?  What place does it really take us to?
Must I wait forever???  And how and when do I know I've grieved enough???????

I think I will never finish grieving some things so now .......I'm just going to consentrate on celebrating the stuff I haven't lost yet.

How about that????????

I will never feel good about losing the friendships/relationships or about how my life has been severely altered.  I will never look back and have ONLY fond memories (unless I deny the reality of the hurt I've endured.....which I am not prepared to do).  So what does that leave??

Consentrate......on what I choose.  Grieve.  Yes.  Done quite a bit.  Tired of it now.

Consentrate on the GOOD memories.......only when that person/those people, who are now gone from my life......enter my head.....and I can choose to do that TOO!!!  It won't kill me.  I'm not burying anything (AND IF ANYBODY TRIES TO TELL ME I AM....I MIGHT BE RUDE!!!).  I'm just tired of feeeeeeeeeling the pain.  I want to feel happy again.  I want to livvvvvvvve....not just float along.

Let it out.  You too Ceemee.  Everybody.

Vent.  Vent.  .3.....4... .Vent...and 2 and 3 and VENT....VENT.....VENT....LEFT ....VENT

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

  Sela

[Hopalong]

I was all calm until the quick-march at the end!!!
 

What a gift you have Sela!
Sometimes taking something to its absolutely "Nth" (no pun intended) degree point of excess and beyond breaks us THROUGH...

to the cosmic human absurdity of trying to get it all "RIGHT".

Thank you so much for your amazing fierce, life-giving hilarity.

You rock.

Hopalong

[Sela]

Oh Hoppy! 

    How does one respond to that?

Thankyou for such kind words. 

I guess the march was kinda funny eh?  I'd just rather laugh than anything else.   It's more of a choice than a gift, I think.

....your amazing fierce, life-giving hilarity.

Wow!  And here I thought I just like goofing around a lot.  Sometimes it backfires.

But thanks so much anyway Hoppy, for such a flattering accolade.  Too kind.

  Sela

[seasons]

Sela,
I've been away in my thoughts and came and just read your post. Way to go girl. It felt so good to hear you, I felt like you were speaking for so many of us. Hope it's o.k. to say that.
I've been down and that was very uplifting. I'm going to read it over and over, my mind needs to hear this many times.

(((hugs for your courage to speak the truth)) seasons

[Sela as guest]

Oh Seasons!!

Sorry you've been down and glad what I wrote was uplifting. 

Hope it's o.k. to say that.

Ok?  Why wouldn't it be?  You can say what you like ...it's a free world!!

Plus......what you said....I felt warmth and sincerity......and very complimented!

Thankyou!  Thankyou so much!!

Keep posting Seasons.  Please don't suffer alone (if that's what you're doing).

Thankyou for the hug and for your kind words.

One for you.

(((((((((((((((Seasons)))))))))))))))

Sela