wishing for a normal mother

[Guest444]

kperez et al,


I feel for everyone here. My heart and mind go out to you all.  Finally, people who don't look with a blank stare, but get it!!  Joy!  

They don't see anything but the negative, all they do is complain.  Yes.  That is true.  I'm starting not to care why.  I'm starting not to wonder so much.  I'm starting not to wish otherwise (all the time)...

Thank you thank you thank you.  And thank you God, too for giving me the strength to deal.  The strength to put myself through college despite all the setbacks, the strength to see through the unfairness, to forgive (well sort enough, enough to propel forward), to survive, to grow, to have beautiful relationships despite my horrible role models.  Thank you for giving me compassion.  Thank you for giving me a soul.  My plight has not always been easy, I did not want it even a lot of the time, it has been hard, but I can see, I really wouldn't have wanted it any other way I guess, because what are the alternatives?  I wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't be as appreciative of what I now have.  Instead of focusing on what I don't have, look at all the good things I have!

Mom feels other people are closer to her than her own daughters.

 
To this, kperez, plucky, Marie, spyralle,  Hopalong and H&H, you may now think:  "Yahhhhh "(said regularly by a woman I used to work with who I befriended and "adopted" as my surrogate role model mother, because I like the qualities I saw in her better <wink>)  "well Duh."  And anyone here may free to think of me as now than their own mother.  It's probably true, anyway as we share more of the same feelings.

bean

[2224Jessica]

To Marie,
My heart goes out to you. My mother is a narcissist too and I can really relate to what you are saying.  It's really heartwrenching when your own mother is like this. I am 28 with 2 children and only just realized what she is. I always knew that something was wrong but didn't want to believe it. I was called the crazy one too. For a few years I tried proving to her I wasn't crazy by being her loyal selfsacrificing friend and gaining approval by showing her I was caring. I wanted so badly for her to love me and that things would change. Well she used me and ate me for breakfast. So then I decided to keep her at a distant but still have her in my life. I watched and watched her and saw that everything she did she did for herself. She was hurting everyone in my family that I held dear to my heart, my brothers family, my sisters family etc. She sees my children as inconvient and refused to babysit. I have cut off contact with her now and its scary but freeing at the same time. I know that she will never change.
It must be horrible to have your own daughter used against you.
One thing I have realized is that she brought us up to feel worthless and that we were lucky to have her. I really thought I was crazy and that I wasn't valuable. It's brainwashing, emotionally abusive and manipulative.
My payoff to putting up with her in my adult years was keeping the family together and nothing changing. (even good change is frightening) We were brought up to never challenge her.
I don't know what advice to give you but know that we here to care, understand and support you. We are all going through similar situations. all the best and take care

Jessica

[marie]

To each and everyone,

Thank you so much!!!  I can't believe that there are so many of us out there that have gone through this.  I swear that we must of all had the same mom or they must of come from the same mold.  I really thought just like many of you that it had to be me.   That I was the one that had the problem.  All of my girlfriends had nice mom's.  My mom always acted like our relationship was better than my friends or at least she tried to convince me of it.    I feel so stupid that it has taken me so many years to figure it out. 

It seem to have gotten worse after she retired.   I don't know more time on her hands and no one around to complain to.   My mom is not happy unless there are fireworks and excitement all around her.  If it is just another day she is unhappy and bored.  I have not talked to her since Christmas.  I am feeling a little guilty because I have not called but, I dread the call.  I always think to myself "hopefully it is going to be a good call".  What I think is a good call she thinks is a boring call.  I really am convinced she like tumoil.   
Thank you all for your support.
Marie
 

[marie]

Today I called my father just to check in and see how things are going with him.  He now lives with his sister that is going through radiation treatments for cancer.  Life is going good with him.  I asked him if he had talked to mom lately and he said "no".  I told him that she is being entertained by her ex-husband that she married two times.  I am sure that my dad felt a little sided but I am sure that he was not surprised because she would keep in contact with him and she hasn't called in awhile. 

I told him that I have not talked to her either.  Infact I told him I really don't have much to talk to her about.  She lied to my daughter about being alone on Christmas and thought she could turn my brother on me.  My brother is on to her and has been for along time.  I told him that I might come down and visit but, I was not going to stay with mom.  He said it would be fine if we stayed with him, his sister is in Oregon going through her cancer treatments and he is by himself. 

I feel bad that I feel this way but, since I have not talked to her I feel good about and I am not having to hash out in my mind for days regarding the conversatons that went on.  I usually get real mad and upset and it grinds on me for days.  The self talk that goes on is enough to drive me crazy. 

My brother told me that he will never forgive mom for making dad feel so bad that he had to move out.  My parents got back together after over 35 years.  What a mistake that she wanted to try it all over again.  But, again she never moves on.  She always lives in the past.  My brother and myself didn't know if it was going to be a good idea if they did get back together.  We were afraid that he would get hurt at the end.  I am telling you she is ruthless..

Now she has the x-husband down with her trying to rejuvenate an old relationship.  He has gotten reeled in by her charm, but her ugly side is right around the corner and then the relationship will sour again just like it always does.  This time I will not be around to here her woes.  Thank god I have a great husband, kids, brother, dad and friends.

Marie

[Plucky]

Thank goodness Marie, that so many of you are on to the N.    You didn't ask for advice, but I cannot resist.  Try not to even talk about your mum when you converse with dad or brother.  You don't know what bad feelings the whole topic brings up for them.  You know for you but it could be different for them - perhaps they are not as far along as you.  Let it lie.  Let her slide down the drain of your memory like a gloppy mess down the shower drain.
an inarticulate
Plucky

[marie]

Thank you Plunky,  I will certainly remember that next time that I talk with any of my family members.  She has effect all of us in the family in many different ways. Some know that she is selfish and others just don't want to admit that she is the way she is and is waiting for her to wake up. She is being occupied or I must say entertained right now and really needs no one until she all by herself again.  I guess I will just have to watch the caller ID to make sure that she doesn't catch me off guard.  It has been along time since I have talked to her and she will have a lot of built up things to unload on me.  That's how she operates. 

Marie

[Plucky]

Plunky!!!????  Well I guess I have put on a few since the holidays.  Better fish out that fat fllush diet and stow the chips!

I know all about saving things up.  It sounds really strange and almost amusing, the laundry list of pushbuttons my mum trots out, if it weren't so upsetting and just downright wrong and full of lies.   Do keep guard but also try to harden your heart.  That is the best way and most preventive.  Until then, caller ID is the way to go!
Pluncky 

[onlyrenting]

I also have a mother I wish loved me and even more could love herself.
I talk to my younger sister once in awhile and yesterday was her B-day so I called her.
We talked about N-mom for almost 3hrs, it was 1am before I got off the phone and only because I wake up at 5am so I had to hang up.

She admitted to me how she wished she could break away from Nmom. I left home  2weeks after my 18th B-day. I always felt sick after I would be around her and then her poisin was injected into my sisters and then the grandkids.
My younger sister used to tell me try and get along, you should forgive, but Nmom's  poisin was so toxic I soon found years had gone by with little contact. My sister now tells me she made a mistake and now understood how the hate can wedge family members, the lies and drama where ever she goes how she is now being picked on because she tells her she needs help and has a problem. Sis, is done and wants to be free of her.

I tried to tell her the sadness to let go and set her life free of Nmom,that there is  little help for those that will never admit they are the ones with the problem.
She tells me how my mother says bad things about me and does not consider me her daughter or my twin brother.  My sister loves me and has asked my mother to let go what ever her hate is which no one seems to be able to explain to me. Just that it exist is real and hurtful. My sister has seen my Nmother getting worse with age and now admits I did the right thing to have stayed away from her.

I felt for the first time in 28 years I did not missunderstand the messages she sent me, with her rejection and hatefulness toward me. most of the feelings said here are the same, wondering why she would act so nice to other kids but so mean to me, whispers when I would walk in a room, favoritism toward my 3 sisters.
I felt like Cinderella.

I have a lot of new thoughts now, knowing I have my sisters support and I was not the one with the problem.
My mom was abused as a child and her mother and father were always rejecting to her.
They never had much to do with us, but I believe my mom was protecting us from her abusive father.

Got to go  ...D is having a sleep over and wants the computer to download her pics from the B-Day party she just got back from .......................OR

[Plucky]

I felt like Cinderella.

I like this! And you are!  But let's get those horrid stepsisters into therapy and a makeover, shall we?
Plucky

[canoe]

The telephone has become a weapon of mass destruction  in this home, too.  I wish for an unlisted phone number, but my husband won't let us, then he gets angry if I let my abusive mother or sister's behavior upset me.  I am between a rock and a hard place.   I do set boundaries, but you know how people like that are.  I just started yelling and hanging up on them.   I was too agreeable and polite for years to people who abused me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I almost died a few times, too.  Enough is enough. 

[canoe]

I forgot to mention that last year, I got into a car accident after a horrible call from my mother.  I was so upset, I got startled by a siren being turned on a fire truck and slammed into the back of a car that had stopped at the light.  My husband also works a very dangerous job and one slip and he could be killed.  This is not something we can ignore and my family knows it, too, they could care less.  Some people are just plain evil.  Stress takes years off our lives, too, we don't owe anybody that.  I have taken a stand, they keep testing me, only to get the phone clunked in their ear!  I never used to do that and they never stopped bothering me.  Now, they think twice before picking up that phone, works for me.  

[Hopalong]

Poor Canoe. You are so right about stress. I can EASILY visualize how someone could be so upset after talking (huh? I mean enduring) a "conversation" with a narcissistic person that they would have a car accident.

Thank heaven you weren't killed. What a wakeup call...or hangup call, more like it.

Good for you for hanging up. I'm sorry your H isn't more understanding but they're not his family and if he doesn't get it, he doesn't get it.

Meanwhile, though, a Caller ID system would help you a lot...you could see who's calling and just not answer in the first place. And you could tell hiim if he answers when they are calling, he is not allowed to just "hand" the phone to you.

Telephones do not own us.

Good for you for your awareness.

Hopalong

[onlyrenting]

Cone, I can relate to the stress from the N then driving being distracted with thoughts about them.

One day I ran a red light being so upset with my N-ex, I was lucky the light allowed only the cars to my right
access on the street.
I find now after years of the stress other stresses cause me to get distracted easily while driving.
The other day I had a full load of kids in my car, D expects I must be in visable sometimes or she feels uncomfortable if I talk to her friends.

I said something and D said mom don't listen to our conversation, I felt upset and reminded her I'm not in visable and she was not being very nice to me.
Well I was turning left without the lead green light, I guess I must have really  been in visable some how we escaped being hit.
The horn was honking at me after I cut in front of them. The kids all said WOW we almost got killed.
I felt so bad I was upset with myself for being distacted and just wanted to cry about how lucky we all were.
I flashed back about running the red light and now this.

I must not allow my self to zone out thinking about things while driving.... very bad ... OR 

[Hopalong]

Buckle up, OR, be safe!!!

Your descriiption of "flashing back" made me think how being the child (or the anything, really) of a serious N can leave one with something like PTSD.

I think your Daughter's remark was hurtful and you had every right to be upset. (Me in fantasy gestalt:
"I am NOT an invisible force field that is serving as your chauffeur. I am a person and your mother and do not speak to me that way!")

Your story reminded me of the 1st of a very few times I shouted at my daughter, and it was after I'd been driving her all over the place. I was just stressed out like mad.

Odd thought, but I wonder how the automobile has affected relationships and families?

(Jeez. First I wanna toss out the TV and now I wanna take away our car keys!  )

Of course, I have the boob tube on and I'll be driving tomorrow...

Thanks for getting me thinking!

Hopalong