Dear Plucky, it's a biggie, sorry. I agree with you about
“Although what I don't want is definitely driving things and I think that is legit.” I think it is legit too. You have to clean out all the crap before you see the possibilities for new stuff. Even in a wardrobe. All the clutter crowds your mind.
This is Plucky’s manifesto!
It’s grrrreat!
Mainly I want relationships with others. Not romantic. (applause!! Cheers! Even……*pom poms*)
I want friends. Buddies. People to talk to, listen to, open up with, trust, make plans with. Yeah! This is a great goal. Where are all those safe people?? It’s not easy, nothing ever is, but it’s worth making the time and huge effort to go out and find those 3D people. I’ve found one or two. To me, they’re a bit weird, they have their own stuff and they’re not ‘perfect’ friends. But I like them (and I’m nowhere near perfect either). Just finding one or two things in common is a start. These are people who we don’t have to live with too!
I want my children to have a community.Do they already have friends? Do those friends visit you? Can they visit more often? Do you like their moms? Do they visit their friends? Etc etc what are the opportunities for simple contact and communication right now? However small?
Tiny changes make big impacts. Asking someone in for a coffee. Having kids to dinner. Anything to change the routine.
Nobody has to be alone. I thought I had to do everything myself. I don’t. It’s a hard lesson to learn. It means giving up a tiny bit of control, and that’s hard. I like being in control, having everything just so, having the stuff I want clean, clean. Having stuff tidy. Having an ordered life so that if anything goes wrong, I have mental space to deal with it. This attitude of mine is all a result of a crap childhood. It’s not healthy. It’s not optimistic, loving, spontaneous, happy. It’s a coping mechanism. Because at heart I believe that life is antagonistic, is to be survived and battled through (also not a healthy outlook, result of….blah). Okay yes life is difficult and things will go wrong and there’s zero we can do about the earthquake that’s about to happen etc. (Gosh I’m ranting
!!) BUT…..allowing things to get a little out of control is
freeing. It opens up new possibilities. New ways of thinking and seeing the world. Rant over.
Some practical chat, I hope.
You said:
Every time my H does something nice, I feel guilty that I am planning to leave. Yeah, we’re conditioned to feel guilty for wanting something for ourselves. So any scrap that is thrown our way we fawn over and lap up. We feel so pathetically grateful. Well I did. (You know there’s lots of projection in what I’m writing? Good. It’s about me. Don’t take it too personally. :roll:Haha!) And then that huge boulder of GUILT descends that says: I AM A BAD PERSON for wanting what I want. I have no right. I’m lucky to have that scrap. It’s a wonder I have anything, I’m sooooo selfish etc etc. This is what Hop pointed out to me – Toxic Shame. Guilt with an added bonus
. It’s not, “I did something wrong, I feel guilty”, it’s “I feel bad for wanting to leave this man because hey he just did something nice and I must be a Bad Person for not being grateful and putting up with my lot in life.” Plucky: I am a bad person is not guilt. I am a bad person is what your mother taught you. It’s rot. Mind-rot.
It’s all bollocks. It’s our internal childhood programming running in loops. Bad girl!
You are not a bad person.
You have no reason to feel guilty.
Just because H does something nice doesn’t mean you have to even like it! Let alone feel guilty. You’re worth so much more. This ain’t false praise or just motivational words. You are actually worth more. Your self is all you really have. If you don’t take yourself and your needs and wants seriously, who else will? I’m ranting again. Sorry. Hope you get a laugh or two? Trying to hide a couple in there.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was going to be practical. Hmm. Went off track I feel. Haha. Oh well. Not perfect, not God. Practical! See if I can hold the thought for longer than an ant’s memory span (apologies to ants there).
You said:
Up until a year ago I did work. And now we are partly living on my savings from my many decades of work, so actually I am still providing in a way. (Why am I throwing this in all of a sudden? I guess the topic of guilt came up and...)Holy Cow!!!!!!
You have kids, you worked and now you’re spending your savings!!! Still
actually providing in some way? Yeah! With that important stuff called money! Pleeeeease don’t put yourself down so much. You’re guilty for not working 40 hours a week, looking after your kids and your h? Are you superwoman????
How many women do you know who get married, have kids and don’t work again until kids leave home/go to college etc? How many women leave all the financial stuff to their hubbies and just spend money as they need/want to? How many people live on so much credit that you wonder how they get to sleep at nights?
Lots.
When he is about to come home, I start to feel tense and frozen. I lived with that for 6 months. That was enough for me. No kids though, that’s a big difference. I just packed my little beat-up car and drove away. He cried. Ahhhhhh! Big deal. He had a new woman in the flat by the weekend.
As nothing as it is, at least I can count on my H to be there.Yep, the lump on the couch. Being alone can be a universe better than being with someone you have to eggshell tiptoe around. And who you resent. You resent him. No worries there, I’d resent him. In fact I do resent him
Free yourself from that. You can. It's doing you no good.
I want to be able to support my children through this and I hope I will have the strength. That is what I am afraid of.Please talk more. Exactly what is the worse that could happen? Will you go mad on your own? Start having schizophrenic tendencies? Do you hear voices yet? Do you have obsessional traits? Will you murder your kids and yourself? Have to beg on the street?
I’m being over the top to try and nibble away (nibble nibble like mice at cheese) at the real fear in there. Fear is a bummer. It’s usually about something which is unrelated too. Like being left alone lot by your mom? Or something. Help me out here please. I’m playing a total blinder (is that the right expression??).
Hahaha did I say practical??
Okay, back to topic.
Practical stuff.
Do you wash, dry and iron his shirts?
Do you wash and dry his underwear?
(Do you iron sheets btw? Is there any woman who actually does this?)
Do you cook his food?
Do you collect his clothes for washing etc?
If so:
You don’t have to do any of this.
One of the ways to formally separate before a divorce (and this is practised in Law over here) is that the couple stay in the home but live separate lives. They can sleep in the same bed but they do their own washing, ironing and cooking. They do that for 2 years and then get a divorce based on breakdown. I think. Something like that. Whatever. The point is, if you do this stuff now, you’ll need a heap of strength to make changes like this. To have that conversation where you state your new mode of living and he gets to like it or lump it. Not easy
, but easier than huge dramatic life-changing moves made all at once. Little steps.
Hope my ramble brought a smile or two and maybe some thoughts. ((((plucky))))
