sociopathic ex and abuse

[movinon]

Thanks for the feedback Mum, Hopalong, Brigid and Marta.  I'm not sure how to do a post.  I think maybe this is it.  I'm still feeling a bit angry (and scared) today.  Have no fear though, I'm willing to walk through it straight into the fight.  I have a bucketload of support and spent the weekend with some friends who validated my position.  I was told by my sponsor, who is also a therapist, that he is a sociopath.  I am waiting on a call from my lawyer today.  When I spoke to her after my last post, she didn't seem too enthused about me wanting to fight him.  I agree that I cannot do a collaborative divorce with this person.  My goal is to get a pshyc. evaluation done.  I have no fears about that on my end, and if he doesn't crucify himself, my 18-year old daughter and family and friends can attest to his use of violence, control, and manipulation when we were together.  We've also seen a number of therapists as a couple (he's NEVER seen one individually) although I have which is aparently pretty typical of one spouse (usually the wife) trying to fix the marriage alone.  I'm really worried about the money it will take to do this.  He make 4 times what I make (I'm a teacher).  I heard someone say that a friend of hers lost her battle because she ran out of money before her husband.

This man has ADMITTED to raping me and hitting me.  He says that becuase I hit him back, it was just a "passionate" relationship and I gave just as good as I got.  He has raged and stopped me from leaving the room, the house, or the car by blocking the door or holding me down.  He has walked around the house in front of the children with a shotgun threatening to shoot himself.  His defense is that he has been in recovery and is sponsoring other men.  He is also in an organization as a leader in training doing men's emotional support work.  It makes me sick to see these men come up to him in droves and give him big adoring, loving hugs.  His defense is also that he hasn't done any of this since I moved out (no duh!)

To Marta:  We are not living together so I can not take pictures, but both of our lawyers know and my daughter tells me.  Oh yeah, his lawyer is in a men's support circle with him.  Sounds like conflict of interest doesn't it?

[Surrounded]

Man...movinon!!!  Yuck!!!   As you know, I certainly can relate.  I would have answered sooner, but I've been "held hostage" in my house by my Borderline N all weekend.   Nothing I'm not used to, although he is getting worse now he feels he is losing power over me emotionally. 

I just want to say to you----KEEP UP THE FIGHT!!! 

I don't look forward to what you are going through right now, but I know it is a necessary battle.  A most important one.  You hang in there.  You can do it!!!!  The reason these people get away with this with us is that they think they can always win.  Always overpower or make us feel bad for them or whatever their trick for the day is.  I think they underestimate our power to put up the good fight when it comes down to it.  Cause we are good.. You are good.  They are evil!   (you can tell I am re-reading "People of The Lie---Peck).  You deserve better!!

I certainly don't hate men.  I just particularly don't like N men or women.  I have considered sociopath as a term, but I haven't gotten there in my reading yet.  I am trying to figure out the N and Borderline areas right now. 
Question:   Just for comparing.....Does he go into rages and then feel so "bad" he can't function the rest of the day???  I don't think my H really feels as bad as he is disturbed that he lost control----or something.   Anyway, it's just mind games.  Somehow he turns it all back onto himself, and I'm the one consoling him for freaking out.   Dork.  (Sorry, I'm in the name-calling stage of understanding these sick people).  I've got a mom, sister, Mother-in-law, and oldest daughter....ALL N's.  Each manifest it very differently so I am spinning trying to get a handle on them all as I am just beginning to put a name to their behavior that has made me feel crazy for years.   

He's my main battle right now.  I can only handle ONE bully at a time and this one's a doosey! 

There's nothing I can for sure say he would NOT do.  Like inappropriateness with my girls.  I can at least say that he has kept me at home enough that I have had minute-to-minute eyes on that stuff, so I know it hasn't taken place.  I can say he makes them (and me) hug him when he wants us to.  Barf.  It's also a control thing.    I want to tell him they will hug you if they want to.  Can't say he raped me, but sex is always on his terms.  And I have always just gotten it over with.  I could have said no, but......YIKES!

oooohhh.....your ex sounds like a real jerk.  But you have gotten farther then me by standing up to him.  I know you will prevail.  You definitely have my respect for that.   Keep us posted!!!

Surounded

[Hopalong]

Both of you are brave women and I am sending every possible molecule of strength.

SLAVERY.

I am so glad you are about to hit the Underground Railroad, so to speak, and so sorry that it's even necessary.

Praying for both of you.

Hops

[mum]

wow, movinon. Sounds familiar...I'm a teacher, my exN makes 4 times what I do (and hides most of it in another country now).
I could share horror stories, but I heard sooo many of those, and I bought lots of it, which energetically, I totally believe, kept me a prisoner in my own mind. (it's always in our mind).
It's hard to get prepared, legally and emotionally, for what you know will be a tough road, when what you also need is to stay with good, positive intention and energy in order to  truly create the life you deserve. 
How old is your child/ren?  If they are older, consider (seriously) walking away. But I gather (sorry if I forgot) that yours are young.
I think you are smart to go for a psych eval....wish I had done that off the bat.  I was feeling "guilty-ish", as 13 years of emotional N abuse is hard to break, so I felt bad and DIDN"T hire a shark, didn't want to "take the kids away from" him (when a little more control on my part would have prevented the present legal situation). Shoulda/ woulda, had I known what I know now....
Also....don't just go with the first lawyer you talk to. Take Hoppy's advice about seeing all the sharks so he can't...it's sound. See a bunch, however I don't know if it will all be free (around here, it's a couple hundred just to talk). It would have been worth 10 times that considering the huge financial hole that was created by my case.
So get the lawyers who will make HIM sick of it.  Get a nasty lawyer, or at least a VERY smart one. I got a "nice, do the right thing type" and frankly, they still take your money just as well.. without necessarily doing "the right thing".

[Marta]

When I spoke to her after my last post, she didn't seem too enthused about me wanting to fight him. 

MOvinon, I would change my lawyer pronto if I were you. The woman clearly is putting her own interests before yours. From what you've said, it would be CRAZY to do a collaborative divorce with this guy. What does the lawyer want, hand him a license to rape your daughter on a platter????!!!!!!

You really do need a pitbull lawyer who can deal with a sociopath. sugarre and OR had found some nice lawyer sites with advice on dealing with sociopaths in the court. As for his lawyer being in the same support group as him, his lawyer sounds like apretty sick man himself so you are really going to need some serious lawyerly protection.

Yes, there are plenty of NGOs that'd provide free support to women in your situation -- for you are going to need serious help, starting with a good lawyer to good security who can rush by your side in case of an emergency. You can find info online, or if you are comfortable posting name of the state you are in, I can help you find some.

Take care. Get the B*****d out of yours and your daughter's life. I am rooting for you!!!!!

[Brigid]

Movinon,
Rather than interviewing a bunch of attorneys--which at the time I did not have the energy for--I called a few friends whose husbands were attorneys and got a recommendation.  They all gave me the same name and he had represented several women I knew who ended up with good settlements.  I contacted him as soon as his office opened after my xh moved out and told him I wanted his representation.  My x called him the next day, but of course, he had to say no to him.  It was my happiest moment for quite some time.  I ended up getting most of what I wanted and I know my ex felt screwed.  Too bad, so sad. 

However, no matter how good an attorney you hire, you must be prepared to keep an eye on things and make sure he doesn't miss something.  The good divorce attorneys always have a large caseload and they do miss things.  When it comes down to the final decree, have someone go over it with you who is knowledgable and can point out inconsistencies or items that are missing.  Trust me, this can save you a lot of money and court time if you cover all your bases from the get go.

In your situation, I would also strongly recommend that you use a male attorney as they can be more intimidating to a sociopath who has no regard for women (and his scummy attorney).   

I have been associated with a women's shelter in my city and they can be very helpful for referrals and provide a safe house for you and your daughter if you need it.  If you contact a crisis hotline or domestic violence hotline, they can direct you there.

You need to have every ounce of strength you can muster right now to do the best job for you and your daughter.  Take good care of yourself and get support wherever you can find it.  I wish you well.

Hugs,

Brigid