Eyes Wide Open

[DixyGirl]

Hi everyone, I’m new to the board!  At this time I am going through a lot of eye opening experiences and confusion.  I apologize in advance for my long post. I have recently discovered that what I have been going through for 3 years with my ex N boyfriend was not my fault.  I could never put my finger on what was going on except “something just didn’t feel right”. I have recently learned about NPD. I only just now realize that for 3 very long and exhausting years that I never had a chance.

I never understood all the ways he could take me from on top of the world to in the gutter in 60 seconds flat blaming me all the way down.

When I met his family (he never met mine..in 3 years) I even felt that he and his ½ sister had a very different relationship, I didn’t dare let my mind think anything off color until now.  Things just never fit.  He would call her his “baby” (he was usually drunk when he spoke to his family on the phone) and then turn around and call me, his girlfriend, a stupid bitch… but always with a grin or a laugh in his eyes…I never knew if he was joking. I always thought his eyes were showing how much pleasure he was getting at my expense. (now I know I was right on) When his sister got engaged he went into a full-blown “rage” because the guy she was engaged to didn’t ask his permission FIRST before he asked her (he had never even met this guy).  He further “raged” on me because I told him that was a very weird thing to expect the poor guy to do. 

One time his mother came down to see him and as she was walking in the door he turned on porn (and it was hardcore) on the computer (speakers at full blast) and said this is what my whore of a mother likes…..His mom didn’t even blink..wow I ran after that one - just to have him convince me it was just meant to be funny…
 
I never could figure out why when I would dump him he always eventually came back.  I always called him my little bouncing ball because he just kept coming back, over & over.  This confused me most of all. Of course I thought “oh he just cant live without me” now I know I was the best Nsupply he had at the time.  And the timing that boy had was incredible.  After a split I would finally make plans to go out .. .he would call the moment I was walking out the door and say “pick me up – NOW, I need you”…and I’m sure you all know the choice I would make.

Just show me the ticket counter for the “never-ending roller coaster ride” I’ll take 4 tickets please…that was me!!   

Just processing all of this new information I have learned hurts my head…I literally cant sleep and I am consumed with self guilt.  Everything I read on NPD fits him completely and so I have to let go of 3 years of feeling like everything was my fault.  I can finally begin to let go of knowing that I am not crazy…I know I’m not “remembering wrong”. But it’s not as easy as that. I feel so disoriented. A part of me believes that he just couldn’t love ME, he just didn’t want ME, but that he can love and want another woman “normally” the way I wished it could have been … I pray for the day that I can let that go.

I just feel so stupid…everyday.  Full of regret that I didn’t “stick to my guns” so many times.  The (1) one friend I have left cant stand to talk about him and I have exhausted my family with asking them almost on a daily basis if I am crazy.  They knew every time he was back.  My entire personality and the way I carried myself changed (and not for the better).  I never thought I would ever let another individual have this much control over who I was.  Now, after 3 years I FINALLY know what I was up against.  Now I am just trying to get over it the best way I can.  I have 1,000’s of stories so I wont go on & on.  It is just nice to know that I am not alone in this very confusing place I have now found myself to be in.  My thanks to all of you for letting me let some of the pain flow out. 

D

 

[marie]

Hi DixyGirl,

My mother is a N.  I have seen her over the last 35 years or so bounce back and forth with one man in particular.  She always bails when she is not getting her own way and she is feeling like know one cares about her. She gives him the "fill sorry for me" routine.  For some unknown reason he keeps taking her back.  We have talked about it and he knows that she has mental problems, but those people with N have a real way with people that become close to them in their lives.  It is almost as if they put a spell on you.  It has taken me about 47 years to figure my mom out and now I really keep a long arms length away from her so that she will not hurt me.  All I can say to you is it will NEVER be normal with this man in your life.  I would not waste anymore of your life on someone that you know deep down in side that this relationship with never be a true.  Breaking up is hard but, staying together will be much more harder on you.  Don't wake up some day and you are old and wished that you had moved on to have a normal life.  Being in a relationship with a N is very unhealthy.  There are NORMAL people out there.  You just have to have the opportunity to meet them.  With this this N boyfriend lurking in the back ground it will never happen.
I wish you strength and good luck to you. Hopefully you will find that normal guy out there.
Best Luck,
Marie

[Hopalong]

Dixy,
Job One = Ditch The Shame!
You and a lot of other great people have fallen (in the zillions) into the soul-sucking vortex of loving an N.

Thank god you have the info now! You're on your way to HEALING and LIBERATION from that toxic stuff! And the more you study up about Nism the less longing you'll feel. (After a huge heartbreak I now look back on my last--I mean last--N boyfriend and simply feel sorry for whoever he's roped in next. She WON"T be happy.)

Your jealousy and longing will fade at just the same speed that you take in this reality.
But in the meantime, don't pile shame on yourself for having lived through it, finding healing and not being hooked any more a little slow...JOIN THE CLUB.

What you resemble is a person who just shot above the surface after near-drowning. You're still spitting out a little salt water and coughing and occasionally dipping under...but you've breathed the air above and seen the sunlight...and there's no sinking to the bottom again.

You're DONE with that. Be proud of yourself and don't worry one bit about the step-by-step drama of it all. N-ends are ALWAYS that way. Nobody's immune.

You've got company here, and you have nothing, nothing to be ashamed of.

Hopalong

[dandylife]

Exactly. Keep your eyes wide open, as you say. Keep your feelers out for the things that don't sit right. Now that you've encountered a full blown Narcicisst, you will forever have that experience in memory to shy away from in future. I know that doesn't do much to salve the pain you are feeling from this person (and he IS a real person), just with the baggage that can hurt you. Know that when you stop it now, you are stopping months, years, etc. of more suffering. It doesn't go away.

[Brigid]

Welcome Dixygirl,
Join the club are just the right words for it.  I know what it feels like to think you have entered the Twilight Zone and want to take all the responsibility for what happened.  Good for you that you are moving away from that feeling and realizing how toxic your relationship was.  There are many of us here who have been sucked into the world of n relationships, but have hopefully learned our lessons and won't go there again.  Be very grateful that you did not marry and have children with this man.  I married and divorced 2 of them and had children with one.  He will forever be in my life because of the kids, but fortunately they were older (18 and 15) when he bailed out of our lives and they can determine how much time they want to spend with him.

But there is life after an n relationship--just take your time and reflect on why you allowed this man to treat you so disrespectfully for so long.  Therapy can be very helpful to work through the pain and grief.  My therapist also made me examine my childhood and how that had set me up for making poor choices in life partners.  Learn to love yourself before you allow anyone else to love you.  That is the only way to ensure a healthy relationship in the future.

Hugs,

Brigid   

 

[DixyGirl]

I sincerely appreciate all the incite and support.  It is nice to know there is a place where everyone truly understands.

What you resemble is a person who just shot above the surface after near-drowning. You're still spitting out a little salt water and coughing and occasionally dipping under...but you've breathed the air above and seen the sunlight...and there's no sinking to the bottom again.

Hopalong, this statement touch me ... it is exactly how I feel...


D

[movinon]

Dixygirl - Welcome -although I know it's not the best place to be welcomed into, it's better than the alternative.

From the way you describe him, it sounds like he was incested by his mother and then did the same to his 1/2 sister (although I'm not a therapist).

As Brigid pointed out, be grateful you didn't marry him and have children.  I did and have a child with him, so I may have to be in contact w/ him forever!

I do know how you feel for having put up with it for so long and the longer you have no contact with him, the quicker you will heal.  They have a "special" way of making us feel crazy - that's part of their power over us.

About the highs and lows, WOW is that true!  He used to say I HAD to take the good with the bad, meaning that a person who was so passionately loving would automatically be abusive (the other end of the extreme for him).  BULL!!

Know that you are not alone.   http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3/index.php?topic=2281.0

Movinon

[jordanspeeps]

welcome DixyGirl!!

sounds like you and he were "in thrall."  and like marie says, it's like someone put a spell on you.  N's are famous for their seduction and grooming tactics.  I'm sure he presented quite a different face to you when you guys first met.

i also agree with movinon that he sounds like he was incested by his mom and violated boundaries with his 1/2 sister.  i witnessed this dynamic in a family once and it was scary, like the movie, Sleepwalkers.  There's sickness there.  Be glad you're free.  continue to post, you are in a great forum to express your feelings, no matter how random.  here, we feel your pain and understand your experience.

take care
tiff

[DixyGirl]

Thank you movinon and jodanspepps! For the first time in a long time I can actually feel myself breathing.  I am starting to feel alive. 

I agree with the incest.  Just being around them or even listening to him talk to her on the phone was a bit creepy. But because she lived in another state it wasn't on my radar everyday.  Just here and there.  It took a while to get all the puzzle pieces.

He was very seductive when we first met.  I thought he was brilliant, sexy and the most fun I ever had.  He was also the best sex I ever had until he began to withold it from me (then later in the relationship if he would "give in" and have sex with me it was just plain weird).  He wouldn't hold my hand or kiss me (but he would bite me).  If in a non-sexual situation, I would go to hug him or lightly touch him his body would flinch (if he was sleeping and I reach out to touch him he would involuntarily flinch too).  The reason he gave for not kissing me was "I have a bad tooth" well, I paid for a dentist trip and guess what, still no kissing...talk about feeling unattractive.

Another thing I struggled with was this: When we would be together for a couple of days in a row with no break, lets say Friday to Sunday (and only at my house, he never let me stay at his that long, his privacy issues of course), I always had a strange type of separation anxiety.  It was 2 fold.  On one hand I was exhausted, I was ready for him to leave - then feel guilty about thinking that way . I would look at the clock and think, "ok a couple more hours and I can be alone (the battles with him were rough, spun out of nothingness and then blamed on me).  Then on the other hand I would be so depressed that he would be leaving.  I knew the house would be empty..the walls seemed to come alive when he walked into a room, and I knew the his energy would be gone and that terrified me...but I was ready for him to go...I struggle with trying to understand that.

Well, I can say that I am thankful for not having children with him, he of course wanted me to get pregnant..he would tell me that all the time "if you would just get pregnant we could make this work out".  I'm so glad I had enough sanity to know that wasn't true.  I dont think I could have taken a life time with this N. 

Thanks again to everyone for making me feel welcomed.

D