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Why did you take it?

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Simon46:
I have lately read several posts basically asking the question “Why do you take it?” Why not stand up for yourself instead of being the victim.

I recall a while back telling my therapist about the time my father decided to sit me down and “talk.” Hidden agenda - to “straighten me out” and thus make himself feel better. He was drinking at the time, and it started out as a father/son having a scotch together. As he continued to talk the tone of his conversation got just a little harder and harsher as he went on. It soon turned to “advice” about how I should “Let my kids know who was the boss” How I should “take control now or I would just get run over as they got older” and on and on. All of this was completely unsolicited and I was deferring and letting him guide the conversation, as I had been trained to do. After a while I was being dressed down, and told how inadequate I was, how I should do better, how crappy my life was, etc.

Now all of this is old news to most of you – I have heard this attitude my whole life and it seems to get worse as he gets older.

Now for the good part. I am telling this story to my therapist. I tell her how secretly furious I was, how demeaned I felt, how much I hated him doing that to me and how bad it made me feel. How much I hated having to sit there in that chair and hear all this stuff from him. I will never forget her question that blew all my circuits.

She asked “How old were you at the time?”

About 40.  (Long Pause)

“…Why did you take it?... Why didn’t you just get up and leave?” You were a grown man, right?  Could he stop you?  (Long Pause – Uhhh…Ummm…Sound of my circuits blowing)

This question dumbfounded me.  It seems so obvious now.  It wasn’t until later that I realized that the answer was a deep down “I thought I had to.” I actually *did* have to take it as a 7 year old, or the punishment was severe. But, over my lifetime I had been systematically programmed to believe that I had to “take it” when (as a 40 year old man) I did not at all. The same behavior that insured my survival as a kid was now hurting me and was actually an inappropriate response for an adult. This was quite a revelation to me at the time, to realize that I had a choice. It had literally never occurred to me before.

Acappella:
Hi Simon,


--- Quote ---Long Pause – Uhhh…Ummm…Sound of my circuits blowing...
--- End quote ---
 :shock:   great visual! if the emoticon only had animated smoke coming from their ears it would be just like good therapy, eh? :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

I agree about the empowerment of realizing there are options.  We use outdated blueprints and flight patterns cause well gee go with what ya know right?

AND a circuit blower for me was also realizing that having the tools to follow through with the choice (seeking alternatives to fill a need for example) is also an issue AND the process of making that choice and getting the tools can take much longer than just choosing ah say coffee at Starbucks - a connotation with which I feel the word choice (trendy word for the last decade or so) is too often linked.   It is a choice...simple as that! Chose Life! is a slogan I saw on tee shirts for a while (not an abortion issue reference) like Nike "just do it" Ha!

For example, making that choice of walking away from my mother was close to impossible as a child and has been easier as an adult - I've done it in fact!  With my husband I find the choice more difficult as we are entangled with finances and dreams and defining love and loyalty etc. and some people have children and so it is a process that involves many many choices, revamping ones menus (circuits included), and unlearning and relearning new skills - I can chose to fly and yet without instruction it aint likely to go well though the potential for freedom is great.   As a young adult I had no idea people were instructed in life I thought their abilities just hatched like from an egg without incubation even (yes and isolated only child I was). I didn't know it was a need or an option and when I realized it I still had no idea about how to get instruction.

Just last night i found out my husband had his paycheck garnished for back taxes he owed before we met.  He deposited the paycheck and never said a word..just let me discover it when I saw the on line statement.  He knew for a week the check would be one quarter of what it was supposed to be and knew about the debt for years.  Now our rent check may bounce and I was scheduled to take a class next week as a means for getting work and for which I do not have the money now.   He failed to make payments on his car (though there was money in the bank to do so), hid the evidence and now we have one car in an area where there is very little public transportation.  I am starting to research bankruptcy and divorce - figuring out my options, choices etc is exhausting.  

Ok, so ya hit a raw exposed nerve.

write:
there are other consequences too of 'not taking it' any more.
When I ended my relationship with my father ( after years of trying to make things right )  he took my siblings and other extended family with him and they still refuse to rebuild a relationship with me.

Ironically the lack of extended family support is now a factor in me staying with my N-husband.

I realise now that my parents, in acting out their rage and inadequacy upon their small children, ruined our lives for a long time to come, maybe permanently? they trained us not only to accept their unreasonable behaviour but the unreasonable behaviour of others. That's why we tolerate behaviours other people just would not take, we were conditioned to it and have to unlearn that conditionning which means taking apart our whole beliefs and values.

CC:
Simon, thanks for starting this inspiring and encouraging post!!! I am so glad you had that "ah - HA!" experience at the therapist.  Sometimes the simplist concepts can throw our eyes wide open to make different choices for the future.  I am going to borrow that concept, if you don't mind.  Just like that phrase I like, "if it sucks longer than an hour.." in fact, I think I'm going to change my signature to include that.

Accapella dear, you'd better get out of that relationship as soon as you can.  I know you've been talking about it, but now you've shared this new secret... I am wondering what the hell else he is going to pull out of his trick bag to manipulate you into staying...it is clear to me now that you are making the right choice.  Don't let him make this garnishment your problem!!!

seeker:
Hi Simon,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing such a raw (and recognizable!) moment with us.  I laughed, cringed, gritted my teeth, turned red, and laughed again.  It's such a familiar moment.

There's a time when any individual needs to cut the umbilical cord with their parents.  Well-adjusted parents know this and expect it to happen.  Ns seem to want to keep the strings attached and stay one-up on their kids.  Even when we want to break free, they seem to be able to give the string a nice "twang" to get us to snap back to their side.

One thing that strikes me over and over again is that Ns (being essentially overgrown children) see real children as competitors to keep down, ignore, use, or anything except building a real relationship where they are on the same side that serves BOTH parties.  This seems well illustrated in your father's ramblings--the essence of power-over positioning.  It may even be a not-so-veiled attempt to express his resentment that you may be doing a better job of parenting and he knows it.  The ol' don't-do-it better-than-me line.

I'm still working on taking a machete to my umbilical cord which serves no one anymore.  Thanks again for sharing.  The next time I'm being "corrected" I'll ask myself how old I am! S.

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