When is it the right time?

[RESARN]

Good morning to all and thanks for all of the informative posts.  I was raised in the deep south where women kept their mouth shut and took the abuse.  First husband of 18 years was an abusive alcoholic and now fiance or boyfriend depending on how he is feeling that day is N.   Boy, am I fooled easily.  N fiance was the most wonderful, funny and intellectual man I had ever met.  He totally swept me off my feet for at least the first 6 months.  Things  started going south after about a year.  We started living together after six months in what was supposed to be his home.  Turns out he had never left home.  This was his mothers home and she made it rather obvious after a while that I should have never come there.  N fiance begged me to stay until we found a place to live and I did.  We moved into our own home and just recently bought one.  I wanted to make him happy at any expense - shame on the codependent side of me.  Well.....I went home for the holidays without him and was once again around uplifted people who love each other and started thinking about how my relationship was not what it should be.  He had a heart attack 14 months ago at the age of 42.  He had a sharp tongue before now it's unreal.  His mother was diagnosed with cancer 6 months ago and in her last few weeks on this earth.  I do not wish for anyone to pass on, just to not suffer.  Because I am not there to  wait on her hand and foot (remember this is the lady who rudely reminded me that her son always had thin, beautiful girlfriends and she did not see what he saw in me), I am a selfish cruel person.  N boyfriend is on FMLOA and I still work 48 hours a week. 

My big question - when is it the right time to say enough is enough.  I am so tired of crying.  He tells me the other day to lookup in the computer obesity disorder or fat and maybe I will find out what is wrong with me.  I feel guilty for breaking things off now with his mother sick but a year ago it was his heart attack.  I was so in love with this man when I first met him now I cry for that person to come back.  I am so scared of what he may do to me professionally.  We are both nurses on the same floor - different shifts.  People here are getting tired of his attitude and I can onlyhope that they will see through his nasty comments.

Thanks for listening - I am so afraid and need prayers for strength and sanity.

[Portia]

Good morning Resarn
I don’t have much to offer I’m afraid but I’m sure many others will. I do have one question:

I am so scared of what he may do to me professionally.

What could he do? Are you able to tell us?

Also a minor thing, what is FMLOA? I’m in the UK and not familiar with the term. Thanks!

Sending you lots of wishes for strength and sanity (although you sound perfectly sane to me )

You're not alone.

[RESARN]

Good Morning Portia -

We are both nurses at the same hospital.  In fact the same floor - he could tamper with my paper work, meds, etc.  Tell co-workers nasty things.  Report me to the board of nurses for abusing patients when it's not true.  I would come out o.k. in the end but it could get really ugly.  FMLOA is family medical leave of absence.  He has not worked for the past 30 days and I truely understand the need to be by his mother's side but I can not physically work twelve hours nightly and then stay up all day.

I feel sad for him.  He was raised by an evil person in a disfunctional family and his support system will now be gone.  He has alienated the rest.  One of the other posts asked the question "why is it so hard to turn your back on someone so cruel?"  I do feel alone at time - everone sees him as this really nice guy - thinks he is wonderful.  To the point I wonder if it is me.

Thanks for listening -  Resarn

[Portia]

Okay I can say one thing for sure:

He tells me the other day to lookup in the computer obesity disorder or fat and maybe I will find out what is wrong with me.

This is just plain cruel, heartless and vindictive I feel.

Can you imagine saying that to anyone in that way????

What the heck did he mean by it, if anything actually helpful or productive?

[Portia]

Thanks for the reply about the acronym and the situation. I’m hoping the members in the US are going to come here soon and lend a helping hand.

In the meantime I’ll be silly for a moment. Why not eh?

It’s 12.35 pm here, almost lunchtime, very cold in the south of England. Is it still dark where you are? Do you do a shift right through the night?

I find it fascinating that we all talk here from various parts of the world. If only we could zoom out and see the little electrical circuits lighting up and firing up together at the server where this board is held…bit like a brain lighting up on one of those scans??

…hey I did say I was going to be silly! Play is a serious part of life.  It’s important to play I feel, if you can, have fun. Do you have fun Resarn? When did you last have fun?

Take it easy….(((resarn)))

[RESARN]

Portia -

That is just what I needed to think about right now.  Yes, I am work until 7a.  It's 4:30a.m.  I love to have fun but it has been a long, long time.  I am so worried about what I'm going to do to survive that I forget about fun.  You know what else to think about, the stars and moon that I see now will be seen by you in a few hours.  Well guess who's on the line my N fiance.  He has not called me in three days because of my asking him to seek help.  Here goes the roller coaster.  He is up, he has been shopping.  I'm great in his eyes now but only for a little while.  Thanks for listening.  Teresa

[Portia]

(((Resarn))))

imagining you under those stars!

take care and find something to enjoy for yourself, even if it's a good cup of coffee, today/tomorrow

take care portia

[RESARN]

Portia -

How uplifting - the rough California coast at sunset.  I'm off this week-end and hopefully will get away.  I truely need a break.  Have a splendiforous sort of day.  What's a day of peace worth?  Take care Resarn

[Portia]

Teresa sorry I missed your name....

((((((Teresa))))))

Enjoy your weekend! Steph

[Hopalong]

Resarn, welcome. Sorry I haven't posted to say that before.
I don't care if you're beluga-sized, you're beautiful.

Heart attack or no heart attack, if he breaks your heart...this is his own destiny and you can't change it.

Likewise, please consider your own health. You don't deserve abuse from him or his mother. And it's a bigger sin to destroy your own health. You have to take care of yourself first, and that includes saying no, sorry, I can't do that for you. But here are some places you can call.
I'm glad you're here...

((((((((((Portia)))))))))))
I can hear your big heart beating like a kettledrum and see your generous grin.
What a beautiful evocative descrption you wrote of this board.
I am so glad you're here.

You bring joy. 

Love,
Hops

[Brigid]

Welcome resarn (Theresa),
I am not seeing much love, caring or sensitivity being demonstrated by your boyfriend/fiance.  If he can't show it now, it certainly is not going to get better over time.  I understand that he is a man who has probably been abused and controlled by his mother, but her death is not going to heal him.  I know you feel some compassion for both of them with their health issues, but it is not your responsibility.  You are not married to him (a blessing for you, imo) and she is not your MIL. 

This man has sent up many red flags and without some serious therapy, they are not going away.  I think you would be well served to move away from him and his mother and start taking care of Theresa.  I'm not sure what protection you could put into place where your job is concerned, but maybe you would be well served to discuss it with your HR department.

To answer your question--the right time is right now.  It is not going to get better or easier.

Blessings,

Brigid

[RESARN]

Thanks Hops and Portia - It's so nice to chat with you guys but unfortunately my shift is winding down and I have to close for now.  Hops, I truly feel that it is what's on the inside that counts.  Looks fade.  If you have a beautiful but nasty mate, when you grow old you're stuck with a nasty mate.  Just wish the rest of the world felt that way.  When you hear over and over about your deficits, they soon grow out of proportion.  Take care and I'll get back as soon as I can.  Hugs - Resarn

[Gail]

Hi Teresa,

One thing that helped me decide to end a relationship with an N BF was to try to imagine his inner dialogue.  What I mean is wondering, "What kind of thoughts must be going through his head for him to be so continually critical?"  It wasn't pretty.  He, too, make constant comments about my weight (and I'm not overweight).   What your BF is doing is just plain cruel.  When someone deliberately tries to make another person feel badly about themselves, that's abusive.

I'm with Brigid.  It's never going to get any easier to get out.  I know his mother is sick, but then she'll die, and then he'll be grieving and you'll feel bad about leaving then, too.   I think her idea of talking to HR may be very helpful as a protective measure.

I stayed with N ex H for almost 25 years.  By the time I got out, the stress had really negatively affected my health.  After years of overwork, not enough sleep, constant worry about his financial irresponsibility, and several high risk pregnancies, I was left with high blood pressure, thyroid disease, and some post traumatic stress.  Three years after we separated, I'm still dealing with some of those consequences.

Your physical health is really at risk with working those long hours and then not getting enough sleep.  I'm wondering if your boyfriend is sensitive at all to that or showing any concern for your well being.

Thank God you didn't marry the guy.

Gail


 

[movinon]

Hi Resarn,

Here's a question - When do YOU think enough is enough?  How much more do you CHOSE to take.  I want you to know you have choices here.  YOU make the choice to stay in the choas or not.  It does not matter if he is not a mass murderer.  How do you feel when you are with him?  I know with mine, I felt TIRED and on eggshells most of the time-always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've been trying to disconnect from him for a year and a half.

I hear your concern for him and the way he was raised, but I agree with Brigid.  This is NOT your responsibility.  Your responsibility is to take the best care of YOU that you can. 

My N. was always trying to "fix" me as well.  We could always go to couple's counseling (as long as they didn't get too close to his issues or wanted to see him individually).  He was more than supportive of me going individually however.  He was also always "taking my inventory".  Welcome to their world!

Professionally, you say people are already seeing his crap.  If/When you decide to make a break from him, I recommend going NO CONTACT.  He will get desperate and say all the things you want to hear or play on your sympathies (and you seem to have a big heart).  If you choose to be with anyone, please choose someone who fills up your tanks instead of sucking them dry.

Sending warmth and light,

Movinon