OK just a question. Has anyone had their N insist (almost demand)you tell them how you feel about people in your past who abused you emotionally(parents, siblings), agreed with you that your feelings were justified (over and over), pretending to care. Said they were your best friend, your biggest supporter......ETC!
But the moment you bring out anything about them THEY do to hurt you, actual rude, dominating, inconsiderate, manipulative, abusive stuff, or try to stand up for yourself, they go ballistic calling YOU crazy and YOU need help. YOU must have a chemical imbalance because......"booo hooo---my family did this, or my family did that"
Over and over again. Screaming in your face how CRAZY you are. How insane you are. How you can't make any decisions in this "condition". He (husband) won't go anywhere until I get therapy. Which I am--just started. The therapist mentioned the Walking on Eggshells book I was reading after ONE session. H noticed I was reading this book (whenever he will LET me read) and then starts yelling at me claiming HE has been walking on eggshells around ME for 15+ years. This from the guy who has just been writing me "love" notes last week telling me how compassionate I have always been towards him and he is so grateful for me in his life and ETC.
(I actually told him to move out---I sent him a text wich was cowardly I know, but I am afraid of his rage so I saw no choice. He won't go....he just FREAKED out, raced home, busted into the house, chased me into our room, screamed at me for hours in front of the kids and refused to leave. Just called me crazy and tells me I am not loving enough to him. (Sorry for being slightly detached to protect myself) Oh and then says I do things to bother him too, but he just won't say right now. I beg him and he won't say anything anymore after three hours of SCREAMING at me what a total CRAZY, INSANE, LAZY, MEAN, HORRIBLE person I am and have always been. There's more, but he won't say.....
And I did my share of yelling too---- in defense. Told him about utterly rude and awful things he has done as examples of his behavior I am sick of. He is very upset I would be mad about these things. Upset I actually had mean thoughts after his behavior and told him so. Hurt and betrayed and pouting. I remember what I said during our fight and I meant them. He claims he can't remember these times and now he can't rememer what he said during our fight and he didn't mean them. Well, sorry too late. I am willing to take the heat for what I said. He isn't. He brings up what I said to hurt him, but can't seem to remember what he said.
Then calms down and says he can't remember saying any of the things he said. He didn't mean them and I should TRUST him to tell him how I feel about my family of origin again. He is my best friend and really cares. He dragged this stuff out of me in the first place. He sees me not acting like his little wind-up doll and so he pushes and pushes ans pushes until I break down. Obviously I can't say anything about him bothering me, so I say something about my family of origin.
How can he use that stuff against me like that? Call me crazy? Tell me he thinks I should not be estranged from my family and friends right now, he doesn't agree with that. What he doesn't realize is that.....I have to put those issues with them aside because I only have the mental strength and energy to deal with HIM on a daily basis. I simply try to hold center every day with him in my home. The slightest flinch in my armour will send him on my case like a magnet. Like he smells blood. I feel if I am acting "off" it is to deal with him. I try to tell him I am warm when I am acting(pretending everything is ok) and cool when I am trying to detach from his emotional abuse or a seriously hurtful thing he has done. He can never understand why what he does is hurtful. He just claims I am too sensitive. I have to expalin it with specific examples and then he says I can't bring this stuff up from the past. I don't even want to, but he says WHAT, WHAT do I do? I can't believe I have to explain common appropriate behavior to him. Common courtesy towards me and his kids.
Nope.....no can do. I am hurting him cause I am not being loving ENOUGH! I am getting on his case and he is just way too stressd out to handle this right now. Can't I see that he is stressed out?? Don't I care about him? I have put my issues aside for 15+ years because I have tried to be there for him. Tried to love him in sprite of anything and everything. The chaos in our lives. Losing homes and cars, and having 6 kids, and his family disfunction problems, financial devastation, self employed, running a business, debt up to our eyeballs and beyond, lawsuits, church obligations, family obligations, pornography addiction, rage issues, ....this STUFF in INSANE. NOT me. Not for saying ENOUGH. Not for telling him I can't have him destroy our lives anymore. He needs to get out and work like he needs to. To clean up the messes HE has made. Know what he says to me??? I haven't done enough. Never enough. I run around frazzled and supportive and keep my mouth shut and love him and basically raise our 6 childrenb y myself, and help run the business, and keep the house clean like he likes it, and bring him his meals ,and have sex when, how ,and where he wants it..... and I have not done enough. I am being a baby and a nuisance for daring to say anything. I already know he thinks I don't do any of it WELL enough. He makes that clear.
He thinks he can say anything he wants in rage and then just say he doesn't remember or he didn't mean it. IF I ever say anything to him, I mean it and that is why I try to shut up and deal within myself BEFORE I say awful things...he thinks I am being cold for that.
He says one thing and does another. His actions don't match his words.
He goes to his mom and sisters behind my back and tells them who-knows-what about me. (But insists I talk to no one about HIM) Everyone in his family gossips behind my back cause of course he has painted me out to be CRAZY! He does nothing. (He acts like a saint in front of everyone else.) I know this cause they gossip about everyone. And they all stick together. They treat their spouses like dirt and then if the spouse reacts in any way, well, then THEY are the NUTJOBS.
The morning after our fight(Sat), his family calls to tell him that one of the sisters husband tried to commit suicide by overdose the night before. I am not surprised at all. He has turned to alcohol and pain killers to cope with her. But they all sit and have CONFERENCE calls about what a jerk addict HE is. They all know how blatantly difficult she is, but NO ONE will admit it. Not even behind her back. I tried to say it once to my H and he was very protective and offended. Now I just tell him I want nothing to do with it. Don't even want to hear about it. He is one the phone daily with mommy about one thing or another. She leads him around by the nose. Talks about everyone, divulges very private info to whoever she wants and then has the gall to hug and play the saint, supportive, angel, funny, kind, loving mom. Whatever. I haven't bought her act for years. Two-faced.
Anywho.....now I am just ranting. Sorry about that. I have to get all this out sometimes.
I started this thread out basically trying to ask this simple question. If my H is not an N----what IS he?
Or what am I? Really, CRAZY?? An N??? Too demanding? A jerk? Now he has me spinning chasing my tail trying to figure out where my constant attempts at perfection with him have come up short? He won't say. Maybe I am---I THINK I know better, but........................could he be right? AM I chemicaly imbalanced? (this idea he gets from his mother) Now he has me second guessing my every move. I thought I had every base covered!!! To keep the peace.
And now I made up with him to keep the peace since he wouldn't leave.....he says don't worry about it. He will tell me if I do anything "wrong". I keep thinking...is this it? is this it? is this?
Is this the peace I need? If he wants me to be well, then why treat me this way? Do you call a CRAZY person CRAZY?? Do you NOT be a soft place to fall? Do you tell them you are too stressed out by other things to deal with them and they need to stop it? Do you call them names and then scream at them so bad they have to shove you or throw a hand at you to get you out of thier face--and then claim they hit you and it hurt? (He's got 50+ pounds on me) Do you see they are hurting and then push every button to get them to fall apart and then use it against them? Do you rip them completely personally apart and then say you love them with all your heart and expect them to say it back? Heavens I could surely go on, but this is long enough by now.
Thanks to all for a soft place to fall. And thanks for letting me know if you think I am crazy too. I just need feedback I feel is honest. I feel I can trust you guys for that.
I do know I need to be away from him to sort this stuff out but he wont go. He is definitely not helping. I don't want a scene in front of the kids. Again.
Thanks. thanks thanks thanks. I am sorry this is long!!!!
