I'm sorry your friend is in financial trouble, Write. And sorry that the "why" of it all is obvious to you, but not her.
I have a sister who is the kindest and most generous person in the world. She is in horrible debt because she lives beyond her means, her husband does not work nearly as much as she does (she teaches full time and tutors at night, he teaches two college courses, that's all). Her grown children are very dependent upon her for financial help....she is still paying their college bills. She just bought a brand new car and another expensive used one, and she has taken some expensive vacations to see her children and to fly them to see her.
I love her dearly, and I understand her struggle, as I have dealt with debt before (and am again, after much legal trouble).
The difference, perhaps, is that I still have a balance of equity in my property, and she currently has none.
BUT, as much as I may see how she puts everything, her children's expectations, appearances, her husband's laziness, before her own needs and practicality, it is ultimately NONE OF MY BUSINESS. She is a grown up, and I will sympathize when she calls in concern about it, etc., but I see that I will not help her one bit to focus on what she already knows. Instead I say, " I know it's tough. But you are smart and you will figure this out." If her own debt is the nasty by product of great generosity, then who am I to be her judge?
But I noticed you said your friend asks you for advice. Wow. I don't know too many people who do that on something like this. If my sister asked me, I would still stay out of it, and make suggestions that are positive (like is you h having success on the job hunt, etc?) I would also say something to the effect of the above: It's thier life, their business, and put the responsibility back on them: " what I think doesn't matter, really. It's what you think that matters. WHAT DO YOU THINK?" I think that is the problem: they are not really thinking about it...just reacting out of habit. So I won't let them off the hook by getting me to have an opinion on something I shouldn't be involved in.
I understand some people may feel it is a diservice to not tell people things that they may be doing that hurt themselves....but I don't feel comfortable doing that. It's their path, their lives. They own it. For example, I doubt telling my other sister that I thought her teenager was headed for substance abuse and worse, would have changed the course of her daughter's path at all. She was in serious denial, and not a whole lot would get through anyway. And I have NO idea how it is to have such a fragile child....so I cannot be her adviser, just her loving sister.
Her daughter is now in recovery (again) in her mid twenties. I know it would have been unwelcome "advice" and not taken well at all... I know people tried to advise, but things just had to follow the course they did.
Plus, I have enough of my own issues and trouble to ever spend time telling someone else where they are screwing up. It's not my place to become attached to their pain....
Thus, I leave it in my in debt sister's hands, maintain her dignity, and although I am not telling her what I see, she sees it. She is not dumb and I have heard her defend it...as her right, and she is correct. It's her decision. There are certain family members she will not discuss it with, and I don't blame her. Heck, it's probably way worse than I even know. But who the hell am I to tell her she is wrong to live her way? She is not causing harm, really, except some financial headaches for herself.
So until I become an expert at financial planning (hahaha) and get paid, for my opinion, I will keep it to myself.
I sort of have this policy of not giving unsolicited advice. I think it can be boundary violating, as I know I feel that way when it's given to me.....
In a way, it's like my kids. I am entrusted to teach them, tell them things, but at a certain point, and with certain things, they OWN their path. If my son doesn't do his homework, he will get bad grades and not get into college. It is a logical sequence of natural circumstances and he owns it. But I am his mother, and part of parenting is to help them see that sequence, support the best choices, but I CAN'T DO HIS HOMEWORK FOR HIM (nor would he want me to, I suck at math!
)
Luckily, he has been accepted already to his choice of college...whew! But he still has to pass high school (but I digress).
The point is, even PARENTS can't DO life for their kids, and friends cannot do the thinking for friends.
SOOOOO, now the disclaimer. I hope I haven't given advice that was not solicited. I thought it was, and am simply giving my experience as an example of how I have dealt with a similar loved one.
