support needed

[movinon]

Hi all,

I'm feeling very down today.  I spoke to my lawyer who didn't seem too concerned about the motorcycle theft by my husband or by the gun incident ( I may have been reading her wrong).  My court date isn't until March 15 for the TRO and visitation orders. 

I am EXTREMELY worried about him taking off w/ my daughter since he's got her passport.  My lawyer said she's talk to his lawyer to see if my stbxh would allow him to hold on to my d's passport.  WHo the hell do they think they're dealing with?  I feel like I'm in the twilight zone again.

To make matters worse, I asked my lawyer if it would help for me to get some statements from people for the hearing and her attitude seemed to be - sure why not?

Now it seems like people are hesitant to put things on paper.  They were fired up to fry this guy, now it's well, I GUESS I might be able to, or let me think about it.  I feel like he is so sneaky that the only chance I have is to have others testify to his behavior.  I'm trying to create a sort of paper trail as to his mindset with the gun and motorcycle and all.

I feel like I'm the crazy one again! 

Movinon

[Hopalong]

Nonononononononononono you're not crazy, MovinOn!
Do you let people like the lawyer and these potential witnesses know how SERIOUS you are?

Just wondering if your passion about getting this crap (pardon me) OUT of your life is getting across.

I don't mean screeching or anything, and can't imagine you needing that...but I wonder if some Deadly Serious Tone in which you tell each and every one of them that these things you're asking are CRUCIAL and you DO EXPECT them to fulfill their commitments to you...would help?

(You may have tried all that anyway, if so, sorry I'm barking up the wrong tree.
But I predict triumph and resolution is coming for you anyway. You've started down the save-your-life-and-sanity path...and nobody, nobody is going to turn you back now.)

Don't despair and don't give up!
((((MO))))))

Hops

[movinon]

Thanks Hops!

I think there's a big part of me that thinks I'm "bothering" everyone and making a big deal out of everything and people are going, "Oh god, there she goes again."

So perhaps I'm not pushing so much.  I feel like I called my last attny. everytime the jerk did something and I feel like it's starting again and they're dreading having to call me.

I know.  That's a STORY in MY head.  Why do I do this to myself?

MO

[longtire]

MO,
You are not crazy.
You are not bothering everyone (because you are not bothering me in the least).
Maybe you could save things up for when you call your attorney and go over several things at once.  Or call once a week unless there is an urgent issue.  You can try setting some boundaries with yourself if you don't feel comfortable with things now.  At least you would feel better.
Good for you for seeing that you are making the story.  Now you can work on changing it to a story you don't have to feel bad about.
Moving on is not a straight line, but a weaving dance to health and happiness.  (Sometimes the dance partner is off doing their own St. Vitus' dance and getting in the way.)


((((((((((((((((movinon)))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

PS, MO--and I DO think the passport question IS URGENT!
You're not overreacting to that one bit, imho.

Hops

[Plucky]

I think you can report the passport as lost, if she does not need to use it anytime soon.  Then apply for a new one.
Plucky

[write]

your whole situation seems so unhealthy to me- remaining part of the same 'community' which somehow supports both of you and neither of you deem required to leave...yet you have big concerns about child abuse and safety which no one from within that will support????

I am wondering if this is a cult community you have become involved with?

Plucky is right- you can probably stop a passport being used internationally if you report it lost or stolen.

[movinon]

Longtire - "boundaries w/ myself" - thanks for the reminder

Moving on is not a straight line, but a weaving dance to health and happiness.

Good point - thanks!

Hops and Plucky - I'm hoping she won't NEED the passport soon.  I'm trying to think a few steps ahead and I'm thinking he's desperate to get a rise out of me (he always was!).  This is how I think he's going to try to hurt me.  He's already drawn away from his support community, so I figure he doesn't have much to lose by leaving.  Hey, maybe if he's still attached to the community, he won't leave the area!

If I report the passport lost, couldn't he still use it or does it get flagged at the airport?

Write - I think b/c people don't really know who or what to believe, they remain on the fence.  One "community" is a 12-step community and the other is a community that offers a weekend of intensive family of origin work followed by a support circle afterwards.  The bad thing is they only know what he tells them and I'm sure he's not saying, "I hit and control my wife."  I hear he's actually playing the victim, but that's not a surprise. 

I KNOW there are people there that see through him, but I just wish EVERYONE could.  I know, not relaistic.

Thanks everyone for the support.  It's really helped put everyhting in perspective again.

Movinon

[write]

I had a look around the internet, http://travel.state.gov/family/abduction/resources/resources_554.html for example. There is a passport alert system to try and prevent international abduction, but it doesn't seem to work if the parent giving concern hasn't had their parental rights taken away.
For example he could apply for another.

The Missing Kids charity suggests children are fingerprinted, this is their advice page http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PageServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=775
There's an organisation in Texas which takes this issue very seriously http://www.pipca.org/
they recommend this organisation too http://www.parentinternational.com/

One "community" is a 12-step community and the other is a community that offers a weekend of intensive family of origin work followed by a support circle afterwards.  The bad thing is they only know what he tells them and I'm sure he's not saying, "I hit and control my wife."  I hear he's actually playing the victim, but that's not a surprise.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, and you don't want to throw away your support network, but I really don't think a community is supporting you ie by giving you a healing space when your perspective on being abused and afraid for your child isn't the main focus.

The best work I've read on domestic violence is Why Does He Do That? : Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, and he found that the face put forward by abusers in therapeutic situations was not the continued experience of their victims...

If your ex is N he will maybe never lose his position of being the victim and will always attract some supporters. But you shouldn't have to hang out with them.

[movinon]

Write -

Thank you so, so much for the websites.  They were extremely helpful!  It's touching that you would think about my situation and do that.

Additionally,

I'm aware that I was having some feelings of defensiveness about your assessment of my support circle and was wanting to run.  I have seen people in the beginning stages of this recovery post in defense of their unhealthy behavior(IMO) or that of their unhealthy partners/friends and I did not want to appear that way.  I wanted to take some time and consider your words.

It is true that some are not supportive.  I want to explain that this is a HUGE community and some of these people don't know me and could easily see a non-person as a big, bad witch.  I have come to some peace that if these people choose to believe that w/out knowing me, it's their loss.  The community is big enought that I do not have to associate w/ them.

The other part is the people that do know me, to an extent.  A lot of them have husbands/partners who are closer to my stbxh than the wives are to me.  The fact is that if I choose to do "work", I choose who I want to be in my circle.  Within this large community there are a lot of people who do not understand about sex and love addiction which he is strongly acting out in (I don't think they understand battering either).  THey do, however, understand doing deep experiential, family of origin work and can be present for me for that.

In addition, there is an aspect to the community where they are focused on people growing together as couples and not bailing out at the first sign of conflict...dealing w/ conflict head on and facing fears.  I can see this working w/ someone who is healthier, but not psycho!

I intend on bringing issues of abuse up to the community as I feel they have not been adequately addressed in couple's work. (Heck, even the 5 counselors that we saw didn't address it!)  THe community is about taking ACTION...being the change we want to see in the world.

Movinon

[Sugarbear]

Just wanted to say how badly I feel for you and your daughter having to go through all of this...

(((movinon)))

I would call the passport agency and see about putting an alert on your daughter's passport... also I recently read (in a travel brochure) that a child traveling with only one custodial parent needs to have a statement (I'd assume notarized?) from the other non-traveling parent to ensure that the child isn't being abducted. I don't know how well the customs people really look at who is traveling, even with all of the child abductions, tho...

Can you do an alert and if your daughter is old enough, maybe tell her to tell any official person (like at the airports) that her daddy is running away with her if this happens?

I'm so sorry - I wish I could help.

[write]

Hi Movinon- you really are!

When I first saw the therapist I did most of my recovery work with I asked if she could see my ex sometimes too. She was emphatic: I need to see the world from where you are at; everyone sees things differently and it's important to your recovery that if I am helping you I am with you right now.

Being abused within a community is still a pretty new issue in terms of understanding etc I think.
I felt doubly hurt in my church community firstly because two particular men's behaviour to women was already known to the leaders- and frowned upon but nothing done officially- but most of all because everyone else is still there, going on as though nothing happened to me, even the close friends who knew and saw.
I have found the only healthy thing for me with it was to remove myself and distance myself. If any of the friends I still see mention it I describe it in my terms and I have dropped anyone who doesn't allow me my pain and anger.

Not one of them spoke out, or backed me up when I did.

From what I can see people will endure a lot more in order to stay with their community than they would in a more individual setting, where they would be quicker to condemn abusive behaviour; if it means they might have to speak up or walk out- they will turn away.

Be the change you want to see in the world is a damn sight easier on paper or in a sermon than to actually live up to.