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Is My M-I-L a narcissist?

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Portia:
Post 25

Portia:
Post 26

Emily:
Portia,
thanks so much for your reply, and for referring me to the essay.  I certainly could see parts of him in those words, especially the lost, frightened little boy and the part  about not being able to unfreeze himself.  Yes, at times he does show alot of empathy and I find that I sort of hang onto that like a lifeline.  Saying "have a heart", at times, also seems to have the affect of stopping the stream of bs that is frequently coming out of his mouth.  He likes little kids, our dog he lavishes with attention, some extended family members(who have also fared badly in our ongoing family saga) he goes out of his way for....his father and I, particularly his younger 2 brothers(ages 12 and 15), and his friends, he seems to feel are enemies or at least he tests the patience and endurance of all with a very thick arrogant outer layer.  It's like he's fighting a war, and (this probably won't surprise you) he's into kendo sword-sparring and martial arts, as well as a criminal justice major in college.  I'm absolutely stunned sometimes that he hasn't had alcohol or substance issues...his pain seems enormous. When the subject of underage drinking comes up in our house, his responses are usually something like.."I don't want problems w/that to screw up my chances of getting into a police academy"..fine I respect that, but it's ok to fail in college and expect mom and dad to just keep paying? (we pay half the tuition) He insists that the grades won't matter to a future employer,..as long as he has the degree in hand.  He beligerantly INSISTS that this is the case.  All we have to do is capitulate to his reality...sound familiar??  I want to share w/ you also that he's a very bright young man, who up until the age of about 14 or 15 had a passion for art.
Yes, I've cried alot about this...in front of him and certainly alone in frustration.  I know he has to figure it out himself, but it is so hard to both see the pain and care while being alert to when to put up the bs detector shields.(that was such a geat visual for me in a previous post!)  And he cries too,..when confronted and pushed.  This often seems very manipulative to me(typically bullyish), but there is a compelling sadness about him at these times that is hard to ignore.  Am I being had by a 20 yo?  Or is he depressed?...I've tried to talk w/ him about that...he won't go there w/ me.  He's not a minor...I can't pick him up and take him to the doctors anymore.  Do I need to tell him it's time for him to find another place to live???  Part of me feels strongly that this needs to happen, and he needs to work toward that...but it was 40 below zero here last night and he can't sleep in his car.(as he did for several weeks in 2002 when he didn't think he should have to work OR go to school.)

Thanks for listening,..again I welcome any ideas and support
Thanks
Emily

CC:
Wow, Steph... your story about your MIL sounds like a made-for-TV-movie about a twisted mother who eventually kidnaps the grandchild...

I am four months pregnancy and your story makes me nervous!  My mother is an N, and we have already had some struggles about the pregnancy - I am braced for attempts of interference by her but I am confident it won't be quite as bad as what you described... that is truly scary.  

You are indeed a strong woman.  I hope your dh recognizes what is up with his mom too.

Steph:
Thanks for all of your replies!
F-i-l just called and told us b-i-l and s-i-l are filing bankruptcy and losing their home and car. They may be moving in with m-i-l! I know it's bad karma, but I can't help but feel they're all getting what they deserve...EACH OTHER!!

I have viewed our relationship with her almost in awe sometimes. It probably is because my mom is wonderful, both my parents are. So m-i-l's behavior is totally strange to me. Her family doesn't seem to recognize it though. They are in denial about a lot of things.

As far as a movie script, it gets better! After dh and I had been together for a couple yrs already, we were visiting his grandmother and this guy, who turned out to be dh's uncle walked into the room. I did not know he lived there, but he invited me into his room and when we walked in I saw that his whole room was decorated with marvel comic superhero stuff! Batman comforter, superman curtains, toys, posters,etc. A lot of the stuff was old and collectable. This man was around 40 yrs old! He had never moved out, never driven a car, and was very childlike. He was a very nice and harmless guy though. Not very long after that I asked m-i-l what happened with him and what might be wrong with him and she looked at me blankly and said "What do you mean?"
m-i-l and her brother and sister don't speak to him and he doesn't come out of his room when visitors are there. I was told he must have really liked me because he never invites anyone into his room. I think he saw that I was treated like an outsider and could just relate! It has always disgusted me the way m-i-l and her siblings treat him like he's a disgrace.

My own husband told me he thought his mom was potentially dangerous and that was good enough for me! I knew I didn't trust her, but when he agrees you know it's pretty bad. Both my s-i-l and m-i-l told me about this incident~
My neice was about 2 and of course the good son's kids were left with m-i-l all the time. m-i-l called and asked them to put their little girl on the phone and as soon as she heard m-i-l's voice she went into some sort of trance and started crying and screaming "Granny! Let me out! Please let me out!" s-i-l said she had to shake her to get her to snap out of it and it was such a bad scene even s-i-l was in tears. And they still leave their kids with her regularly!

I feel very fortunate that my dh knows his mother is wacko. He has always defended me and believed me when I reported his mothers behavior. Of course he was there for most of it too. We also have his dad and his family and my family who we get along with great. The only thing that sucks is that I'm an only child and that is dh's only brother so my kids don't really have aunts, uncles or cousins. Happily, we have "adopted family" people we've known forever who treat us like real family so we're not missing out on much.

I wish all of you lots of luck in dealing with the people like this in your lives. After all these years I don't have any good advice!! I haven't figured out how to deal with it and I'm glad she has decided to leave us alone. We have decided to hold her to it, and I have a feeling it will be a long time before she tries to screw ith us again.

Don't let no one get you down,
Steph

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