Trust ... but it's not an inability to trust others - I do that all too easily and foolishly - the problem is trusting my own judgment ... of knowing when to walk away. This is the problem that I am focusing on in my internet research on narcissists and psychopaths (sociopaths). Of course, it is more than just a simple 9-point checklist (although they can be helpful). There is a broader sense of it ... a desire to know that I am "wired" right to protect myself instinctively, because I feel that my instincts are kinda (whoa boy!) screwed up ... and my repeated experiences with narcissists seems to demonstrate this. Gail said it well: " I can't trust my feelings to give me needed protection."
I don't like being suspicious of everyone, but ... ya know ... I'm wondering if, once I get a handle on it, it may be simply a realistic way to survive in a sporadically unhealthy society. Not to doubt my own judgment, but to realistically question the motives and agendas of everyone I meet. Perhaps that is basically normal - and perhaps the feeling that I "shouldn't have to" be suspicious is simply a delusion born of being raised by people who demanded that I ignore my self-protection, and "let" myself be walked all over. Maybe healthy people DO protect themselves ... regularly, habitually, normally. What a concept!
(I was just reading a list of P.T.S.D. symptoms, and heading the list: "Vigilance and scanning" ... and I thought, well, is that such a bad thing?)
No, another point, even stronger ... on the "wounded" thread I commented at greater length ... but my basic idea was that, from my programming, I carry many of the seeds of narcissism. Thus the most diabolical side-effect of my naracissistic association is my own narcissistic behavior - the more I learn about narcissists, I see myself lurking in these checklists ... and wonder how badly I am twisted by this history ... and can I be made whole, or am I doomed to being one of those "incurable" narcissists I have read SO much about?! Have I become "just like them"?? Nay, say it is not so! Oh wretched life! Dastardly fate! A pox upon thy house, who bore me ill!