You are exactly right. My mom talks, talks and talks until I agree with her, soothe her feelings or make her feel better about herself. She is always right and prides herself on the fact that she is a great communicatior. Actually, she is a great manipulator!
From a very little girl, I knew that I was responsible for her emotional happiness. She had a horrible relationship with her mom and dad....I became responsible to heal her losss and make her feel better about herself. It was my job to make sure that her dream of a perfect mother-daughter relationship and family was on display for everyone.
So, I became the perfect child. School, church, her friendship circles, co-workers. It was important that everyone know how close and perfect we were.
So, I gave up my feelings, my voice and my ability to decide for myself who I was. I became exactly what she wanted me to be or else she would abandon me. I had felt it many times before and I did not want to feel that way again. After all, if my own mother did not love me, who would?
For many years, I have had a false self. I put it on when I go out the door and take it off when I return home. I am happy, pleasant, smiling and conversational out in public. At home, I am empty, sad, quiet, want to be left a lone. I am convinced that no one really loves me.
Although, I do have a wonderful husband and three bright kids. I wish that I could feel their love. But it never makes it past the walls.
You are right...I am ready. I can't live like this much longer.....
