Author Topic: Just getting started.....  (Read 1292 times)

healme

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Just getting started.....
« on: February 28, 2006, 07:13:31 PM »
I have recently started counseling.

I feel lifeless, depressed, empty, borderline, no emotion...all the time and I can't fake it anymore. It started around age 19 and now I am 34.

My counseler says that I have all the traits of "parentified child". So, I started doing some research. Yep, she is right, parentified child alright. But then I came across N. OH MY WORD....that is MY mother.

She is very slick about it. Everyone loves her....she smiles, hugs, giggles,dressed in the latest fashions....but has never stopped ruling my life.

I have realized in the past three days that I DO NOT HAVE A VOICE.

As a child I was compliant.....anything she wanted...anytime....all the time.

But now I am defiant....I HATE or REFUSE to do anyting that MIGHT be expected of me. I believe it is all in rebellion to her. But I only rebell againest others who have the expectations....never her expecations. I always do my best to meet her expecatons.

Anyone relate?  I can't wait for my next counseling appointment!!!

I am somewhat relieved and yet scared of HER (she will confront me on being distant)!!

Healme

mum

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Re: Just getting started.....
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2006, 07:57:23 PM »
Welcome, Healme!
It sounds like you started therapy with a bang! You must've been ready. It's great that you are mad right now. It sounds like it will serve you well.
I think my ex parentifies my children. I may understand it differently (you can enlighten me) but it's about them taking care of their father's feelings. They feel responsible for his feelings, good or bad, and will defend  what he says or does with a "poor dad" attitude.  It goes beyond the normal caring about those you love and wanting them to feel happy. My kids feel soooo much pressure to make things ok for dad, even at the expense of their own happiness.
I refuse to do this to them. It is fundamentally unfair to a child, any age, to say: "I am miserable, can't you think MY way and make me happy?"
First of all, it's based on a lie. No one can "make" anyone happy or unhappy. And that lie translates into a warped feeling of "others have to make me happy" and my own feelings (voice) don't matter nearly as much as others.

I am so glad for you to be discovering this. It will not be easy, but nothing of value ever is, really.....until it is.
Best of luck to you.
Sending love and light.
And I think your name should be "meheal"....then you are in power....( :lol:)

healme

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Re: Just getting started.....
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2006, 10:10:52 PM »
You are exactly right. My mom talks, talks and talks until I agree with her, soothe her feelings or make her feel better about herself. She is always right and prides herself on the fact that she is a great communicatior. Actually, she is a great manipulator!

From a very little girl, I knew that I was responsible for her emotional happiness. She had a horrible relationship with her mom and dad....I became responsible to heal her losss and make her feel better about herself. It was my job to make sure that her dream of a perfect mother-daughter relationship and family was on display for everyone.

So, I became the perfect child. School, church, her friendship circles, co-workers. It was important that everyone know how close and perfect we were.

So, I gave up my feelings, my voice and my ability to decide for myself who I was. I became exactly what she wanted me to be or else she would abandon me. I had felt it many times before and I did not want to feel that way again. After all, if my own mother did not love me, who would?

For many years, I have had a false self. I put it on when I go out the door and take it off when I return home. I am happy, pleasant, smiling and conversational out in public. At home, I am empty, sad, quiet, want to be left a lone. I am convinced that no one really loves me.

Although, I do have a wonderful husband and three bright kids. I wish that I could feel their love. But it never makes it past the walls.

You are right...I am ready. I can't live like this much longer..... :|