17years and he just left........................

[brokenheart]

I'm in desperate need of some help....... I have had a wonderful life with my husband, we have three children, home, jobs. He is the love of my life. In January he started acting funny, started lying saying he was going to work but called off... Started drinking, we don't drink, and a 19 year old cashier started calling his cell phone...he's 38. I found that out because I was trying to figure out what was going on so I got the phone records, because he would sneak to the barn to call.He said that they just talk about "work" but they have two jobs that are not even close to each other. I called her and she stated that she had no interest in him and that they were just friends, but everyone at work said they were messing around.

I talked to him and told him that I don't agree with him talking to her 24,7 on the phone, he talked to her 2 hours on my birthday, the calls the lying about going ?????? and saying he's at work and the drinking are a problem. Needless to say we got into it, he said that they are not doing anything, now keep in mind that he would push me away when I tried to get intimate with him...

On Valentines day I got a few gifts and left them in his truck so that when he go off of work he would be surprised. He just said, you drove all the way down there for that, and then criticized the gift and the cost of it.... It's the thought that counts.... All of the sudden money is a high priority to him.
He started sleeping on the couch, I asked him to come back to the bed but he stayed on the couch. Then this past Saturday, while I was at work he packed all his belongings in front of our three children and moved to another state. I was working had no idea what was going on. My oldest 12 was sick 102.3 fever/flu and he just up and left him to care for our 9 and 3 year old. He left no phone# no address and when my son called his cell phone and told him he couldn't handle watching them b/c he was sick and wanted to know when he was comming home he responded why do you want to know...

I got home and my son was crying and the other was in the bathroom. I asked him why he was crying and he said that daddy left us, daddy moved out. My husband took his whole check and left us, he moved over an hour away, close to his work and of course the 19 year old.

BUT he is saying that it's all my fault and that I wanted him out and he had to use his check to buy an apartment. Why would you be over an hour away from your children? He left us with nothing. He didn't give us a dime. No milk eggs, bread, diapers, gas money nothing!

AND then rent a center calls me! he wants to rent furnature! and used me as a reference! needless to say he was NOT approved to get the furnature so I got a call from him thanking me for that!

How do you go from I love you I'm in love with you, you and the kids mean everything to me....
to
I'm not happy I'm depressed and leave me alone, one day we will get back together....
Does he think that I'm going to wait?
does he think that he can mess with a 19 year old and then come back when he's done?

I told him today that I can't keep the bills up and the house note on my own.
I asked him what he wanted to do,,,, he said sell it!
I said sell the house, he said yea, how much money you think we'll get?! ...
he is only thinking about the money!
this is the only home our children know, they are devastated!

WHAT would cause a man to change like this so fast???????????????????
is their any hope???????

The 19  year old called me last night and talked out of both sides.... I'm not going to mess with a married man.. then she says that she has felt allot more comfortable talking to him now that he moved out and that once he is divorced their feelings can grow and that she has been seeing him for two years "as a friend"! She also told me BEFORE MY HUSBAND SAID SELL THE HOUSE that she told him that she wouldn't get involved with him until he moved out, sold the house and separated from me...

Well I see where I stand, I'm trying to just let him go, I don't want a man that can treat his wife and children like this!   


I still love him, I hate his recent actions but before this he was a hard working family man, my bestfriend, we were the LAST couple that everyone would have ever thought would be splitting b/c we were so happy...

[healme]

I am so sorry. I know that you must feel that the rug has been pulled out from under you.

I honestly can't tell you why he has changed so drastically. But it does seem that he has an interest in this young girl.

I would seek legal assistance immediately. He has abandoned you and the children, physically and financially. I don't know what your state laws are, but in mine, there would be an immediate action by a judge so that he would have to pay the bills. It will not look good as to how he has handled himself.

My prayers are with you and the children. Shame on him.

[Hopalong]

Brokenheart,
I am so sorry. This is devastating.

The only thing I can say is please, grit your teeth through your grief and get a lawyer immediately. You MUST protect yourselves as much as you can. It's very hard to do when you're in emotional agony, but it IS important. Remember labor, and how you survived that pain. You will survive this too.

Hold your children close and grieve together...but take strength.

And don't blame yourself. There is no perfect wife. No perfect person. He's chasing some lost idea.

You will survive this. All around you, are women walking with their heads held high who once went through the same brutal shock.

It's your job to get all the help and comfort you can for yourself and your children.

He has his own learning to do.

I am so very sorry.

Hopalong

[write]

I still love him, I hate his recent actions but before this he was a hard working family man, my bestfriend, we were the LAST couple that everyone would have ever thought would be splitting b/c we were so happy...

well whatever is going on with him you clearly need to take charge now and take care of yourself and the family.

Go see a lawyer about your financial options. He has responsibilities and can't just legally drop them.

Don't talk to the 19 year old any more. I don't mean be unpleasant, but you really can't be her friend since she's involved with your husband, at a time of extreme stress. She is also unlikely to have the maturity or life experience to know what her involvement and counsel to him are doing to you all.

is their any hope?

dear brokenheart.
There is hope in bucketloads long after everything else has gone!

You are obviously compassionate, thoughtful and wise for the way you have expressed yourself already. So many people lash out in their grief, but your calm dignity shines.

I can't see the future, or if your husband will be in it, but I can tell you unequivocally is you are going to grow stronger as you forge a path through all this.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Brigid]

brokenheart,
I'm very sorry for your pain and grief.  I was in that same place 2 1/2 years ago when my xh left me and our children very suddenly after 22 years of marriage.

The most important thing for you to do right now is hire a good attorney who will protect the future of you and your children.  Do not sit around waiting for him to decide that he wants to come back, that he has made the biggest mistake of his life, that his children will never respect him again, or that you can't do better.  I promise you that you can and deserve so much better, but that is something which will take you some time to understand.  No matter how it all eventually turns out, you must protect yourself and the children in the short term and require him to live up to his financial obligations, even though he is unwilling to live up to his emotional ones.

If you can get some counselling for yourself and the children, that would also benefit you greatly.  I know initially, I felt as though all the wind had been knocked out of me and in addition to therapy, I needed some pretty strong medication just to be able to eat and function.  I had never taken any kind of anti-depressant before in my life, but I learned through this experience how helpful they can be if you are faced with such extreme pain and grief. 

I hope you have a good support group of friends or family.  Please lean on them now and allow them to help you through this.  Try to stay strong for your kids.  I know how difficult that is, but they really need one parent they can count on during this very traumatic experience, and through all our devastation we must also step up and provide the stability they so desperately need.

It never ceases to break my heart to read of (primarily) men who can so easily walk away from their families just to have some sleazy sexual experience.  Trust me, the relationship he has or wants to have with her is already doomed to fail, but there is nothing you can say or do to make him realize that.  I promise you that it gets better, but you have some dark days to get through first.

Hugs and blessings,

Brigid

[spyralle]

Oh Sweetheart i really feel so much for what you are going through..

I won't go into my story but if you want to read about it my thread desperately needing help after relationship break up is back there posted last August.  I too was left reeling by a man who I thought was my best friend and it hurt so badly that I never thought I would even begin to understand it,. let alone start dealing with it.  I want to offer you some hope I guess so I thought I would just list what helped for me..

Posting here...At first i was here all the time and these people were watching my back,. tirelessly listening and offering support

Therapy...  I have learned so much in therapy about the futility of trying to imagine that he is remorseful and loves me really.  I have come to really understand what narcissism is all about and why I was able to blind spot many things I should have noticed

Writing.  I would write here.  Write to myself...  Write to him (though not send it)  Just to discharge that massive amount of heavy dirty horrible emotion that threatened to totally engulf me

A small amount of really good friends...  Well two really.  They were prepared to listen to me go on and on and on and on and on....

Reading...  I read so many books.  A lot of them recommended by these guys here,. All of them giving me more and more insight...

Brigid is right when she talks about dark days...  My days are still not packed with sunshine (8 months later),. but I have remembered how to laugh and get excited and my ability to concentrate has vastly improved.

When people told me it would get better I wasn't sure that I even wanted it too.  i just didn't want to be around anymore, but you know I am glad I still am...

Hold on in there ... and keep posting

We are all here and holding your hand

Spyralle xxx

[mum]

((((((((((((((((((Broken heart))))))))))))))))))
Oh, my word. Such a heartless, selfish man.  Please know this has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. HE is screwed up. NOT you.
You might also try: I AM STRONG, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM WORTHY OF MY DREAMS

That was my mantra when my ex cheated for the LAST time. Unfortunately for your husband, you now owe him nothing. Not a shred of pity, sorrow or minute second guessing or blaming yourself.

It is now time to focus on yourself. He has given you a gift (hard as it is to believe). Take it, and run with it. What are YOUR dreams that don't involve him.  I know it's tough, having had the bottom pulled out from under me as well at one time.  But find out what you want from life so you can focus on that and create it.
It's time to take car of yourself and your lovely children.  Consult a lawyer or legal aid. He cannot walk out on his children, financially. It is illegal. So document everything, protect your children, take a warm bath and cry your eyes out.....acknowldge how bad this hurts and know that you WILL be able to get beyond it....

and remember "This too, shall pass."  And you will be ok. Keep that your focus. You will get through this.
Bless you. Sending you and your children love and light.

[deb]

Dear Broken hearted.

I hear ya!  It’s my first time on this board and I’m thinking wow  these ppl are me. I’ve been there, done that.
17 years is a long time. I am sorry that you have been so betrayed.  I think that is the worst feeling in the world by someone you loved and trusted.  You have every right to feel broken hearted cause you are.  Rest assured this is only one emotion  at the moment.  For me and my experience I went in steps.  Not steps  that I chose but ones that came to me in a process.  I’m not saying your marriage is over and I’m not saying that it isn’t.  I don’t know.  You don’t know.
I can only tell you what happened to me and my feelings along the way.
I believed that cause I was and honest person that my partner would treat me the same.  Not matter what!!!
If there was going to be someone else (if) I deserved the respect of being told instead of finding out.  Well guess what ?  I wasn’t told, I found out.  I felt so er still can’t put it quite into words, maybe like I was the outsider.  This is where step one started. 
Step one.  How dare he!  OMG!  This can’t be happening he loved me.  I love him.  I will keep him here I will fight for my marriage.  Wait!  I must gain my respect.  I will throw him out!   Wait, if I do then he will go with the other girl. What, what do I do!!!!!!!  So I became brokenhearted and  scared. I hear you broken hearted been there.  I feel for you honey and your feelings are real. Feel them cause they will heal you in the long run.
Step two.  Oh boy!  Was I mad.  My self esteem was kicking in.  I was not in control of what he had done but I was sure as hell in control of how I would handled it.  It might have been something  I didn’t choose in my life but never the less it was there.    Man did my Irish kick-in.  My life was in almost a robot mode.  It was a good thing.  I went into survival mode.  It’s hard to take care of business when your so emotional.  This is where you just do what you have to take care of your  needs.  Get an attorney, secure yourself with your home and finances.  Protect yourself.  No one will take better care of you then you.  You will feel better claiming your independence.   Your not feeling what I’m saying now but you will.  I promise you it gets better.   
Step three.  For me my marriage was over but I was ok with it.  I had been through the motions which is the part everyone would like to skip but has much pain as it caused me I became stronger and so will you.  If you are able to work out your marriage , you will still be stronger, If you cannot, you will still be stronger .  You will survive, you will not always feel so bad and you WILL BE STRONGER!!

I spent lots of time talking to anyone that would listen to me.  Even if they didn’t I still kept talking.  Please take care of your finances first then everything will role into place in time. You already have reached out for help.  Your sharing your pain.    Your on you way!!  Your already getting stronger. I’m proud of you.


Sorry if I posted this twice Im new at this

[brokenheart]

 Thank you guys for all your kind words and support. I printed all the comments and read them every night before I go to sleep to remind me that he is the one with the problem and I need to get my head together and drop him. It is SOOOO HARD! I spent most my life with him and I wanted to raise my children in a two parent home but I'm NOT GOING to have my husband CHEATING and DISRESPECTING OUR CHILDREN AND ME!

~~~~~~~~~~        LATEST UPDATE          ~~~~~~~~~~~ 

he came to the house to see the children, I sat on the couch after the children went to bed to try and talk to him.....HIS PHONE STARTED going off... he wasn't going to answer it but I kept telling him to answer it... It was the 19 year old... It sounded like they were fighting....AAAAAAAWWWWWW!
So I said TELL HER YOUR WITH YOUR WIFE! he got off the phone and started yelling and left, then his lil 19 year old called me, to talk stuff..... they were on and off the phone. Then he had the NERVE to say that he isn't speaking to either of us because we both keep starting shhhhh with each other and he's done with it. I called him and left him a message.....

I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS GIRL TO BE IN MY LIFE.....
YOU BROUGHT HER INTO OUR LIFE.....
IF YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU SAY THAN GET HER OUT OF OUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!     

Today I gave him one last chance to come clean before I filed for a divorce.....
he responded..... I don't know what to say.....
how about the truth!
he couldn't do it! 

[Hopalong]

Hi BHeart,
You are going to turn BrokenHeart into BraveHeart...you'll make it.

(BTW, I'd advise not getting sucked into dialogue with the 19 y/o. A traingle is not what you want, and getting involved in talks with her is likely to just make important boundaries turn all mushy. It's hard enough to pull away, and getting involved with trying to "explain"--to EITHER of them--what has been done to you and your family, seems like quicksand to me.)

Just a thought, and so glad to hear an update from you.

Hopalong