Gift within the Problem

[moonlight52]

hi every one     i know i am the one without   grammar skills.what are the gifts within the problem the things we have learned and that have shaped us from our experiances of being adult children of n parents.
well compassion ,kindness all the traits lacking in the n parent we seem to have developed .we can feel good about this in a way.then go on as mum sez and learn from joy .
moonlight  hi bean this was written before i read your  post on" is it normal "post  same wave length here

[pennyplant]

Hi Moonlight,

Gifts I gained from my difficult experiences:

Bravery

Compassion

I'm a survivor

Adaptability

Problem-solving skills

If I think of more, I'll post again.  Pennyplant

[reallyME]

Gifts I learned from my experience with Jodi:

a sense of humor

acceptance of people who may never change

patience

unconditional love of the truly unlovable

forgiveness

[moonlight52]

hi pennyp and reallyme this idea was written by bean on the thread "is it normal" written so much better than i could.it was funny
we both had the same thought the same day but i must defer to bean as her answers are more complete.
your ideas have me thinking .yes we can heal pp you are brave and reallyme that idea about unconditional love of the truly unlovable.
i will have to think about it .ok i have thought about it. in my case right now i need to feel safer before i can feel unconditional love for my n father that just hurt me real bad 6 weeks ago .i am not as brave as pennyp.
moonlight

[Portia]

Unconditional love. I don’t feel I have to work towards feeling this for anyone (I don’t have children). I may go towards it, but I won’t try to. I won’t feel as though I have to, should. I won’t feel guilty or shameful because I don’t feel it. Just wanted to state those things, see what they look like written down.

Liz, when you say this is a gift: unconditional love of the truly unlovable – do you mean you feel this love for the unlovable? Or that maybe you think it exists in the world (not necessarily that you feel it for others?). I’m interested in how this manifests in words and actions etc. I kind of disagree with it – that this sort of love exists and is unconditional (unless you mean God’s love? Which I wouldn’t disagree with as a concept) – but I’m willing to think and change my mind. Thanks in advance!

PS The gift for me……over-riding all else
is the ability to think for myself, to think critically of everything…including my own thoughts more recently.
Which means maybe this will become a lesser gift to me in time? (I kinda doubt that but who knows...)

[reallyME]

Portia: Liz, when you say this is a gift: unconditional love of the truly unlovable – do you mean you feel this love for the unlovable? Or that maybe you think it exists in the world (not necessarily that you feel it for others?). I’m interested in how this manifests in words and actions etc. I kind of disagree with it – that this sort of love exists and is unconditional (unless you mean God’s love? Which I wouldn’t disagree with as a concept) – but I’m willing to think and change my mind. Thanks in advance!

I mean that I personally love the unlovable even though they don't deserve it, because "while we were yet sinners, Jesus died to save us."  That's how I live my life.  How I do it, is I realize that these monster-like people got this way by being victimized themselves.  I can have unconditional love and compassion when I realize that an abusive adult was once an abused child victim.

~Liz

[moonlight52]

hi reallyme    it seems to me that can be done only if said monster type person does not have "weapon in hand" sort of real ,verbal,
whatever then you,run ,distance yourself find safety(or stand there and be hurt again)
then hopefully after finding a safe place pity and or sorrow for said monster type person would come into possible question to be resolved.
moonlight

[reallyME]

oh moonlight,

You are exactly right.  I was referring to having unconditional love for someone you are NOT WITH.  I didn't mean you are to live with an abuser and allow them to abuse you and treat you as their scapegoat or punching bag or whatever.  Love is a choice and the type of love I have for N's is done from a DISTANCE...a SAFE ONE.

~Liz

[Portia]

ReallyMe, I think I'm getting there and I think maybe we have very different interpretations of the word 'unconditional' in this. Unconditional means no conditions whatsoever to me - not a choice, not dependent on how close or how far. Unconditional just IS - it doesn't change for anything. My interpretation. How about you?

[daylilyasguest]

I think I have been given a chance to know myself more truly and deeply than many people do.  I have had to answer questions within myself that many people never get around to asking.  I have learned how wonderful love is when it is freely given and gracefully received.  I have learned that I am strong enough to bend without breaking, to face without turning away, to remember without distorting.  I have learned the difference between resolution and revenge.  I have learned that I still have a great deal to learn.

best,
daylily

[reallyME]

Portia,

Those are wonderful definitions of the word "unconditional."  Another one might be "just because."

When someone is loved CON-ditionally, you love them IF or you love them WHEN, or you love them IN ORDER TO...

~Liz

PS

Once again, I guess it helps me to love an N or anyone unconditionally, when I realize they were once victimized children and also that they cannot give me what they don't have; what was never put into them.  Some of them have no distinct personality of their own and others are just a mere SHELL of a human.  I cannot expect love from a shell.