Revelation

[steve]

Hello all.

I have been struggling for a long time to determine how to view my n-father. There has always been a sense of pity in that he does what he does because he knows no better. But he does know better and I know this for a fact.

When he is with people he admires, he would never denigrate what they do for a living. So obviously he knows that this is wrong. And even if he believed the opposite, he certainly would not say it. He knows. I just was deceiving myself all this time.

You could come up with all the behaviors and emotions that you find hurtful and then see if he does it to people he admires or perhaps fears. My guess is probably not. Guess what, that pity I had for him is shrinking very fast as I type these words.

What really pisses me off is that i guess I would not have minded so much when I was doing well in my life. He could take a few shots here and there and eventually I would find a way to move on. But now that I am down and nearly out, his doing what he is doing to me can only be described as CRUEL. And again, he knows!

So what about hatred. Is that an emotion I should have for him?

I think not. That would only be a waste of my time. He does not deserve any emotions because he does not understand what emotions are. Indifference and my wall to the rescue.

I hope I can get out of this,

Steve

Yes, my father is a cruel person and I have never had much use for cruel people nor do I have much use for bullys, now that I know that they do know better.

[daylilyasguest]

Steve,

I'm not sure your logic holds up here.  Is it really "proof" that your father knows he is being cruel that he is not cruel to people he admires and/or fears?  Are you cruel to people you admire and/or fear?  In the first instance, you wouldn't want to be cruel; in the second, you'd be afraid of the consequences.  So I'm not sure what it proves that your father refrains from behavior that there are strong self-preservationist reasons for not engaging in.

That said, I think it's probably true that on some level your father knows what he's doing to you.  What he may not know--because the limitations of his personality prevent him from knowing it--is the effect he's having on you.  From my own experience, I can say that narcissists simply don't register other people's pain.  They do not empathize.  I think it's because the desire to preserve and feed their self-image trumps all other emotions, including love and empathy.  They're doing what they need to do to maintain their place in the world.  At any cost.

Should you feel pity for your father?  Only you can answer that question.  Obviously, your father is missing out on a lot of positive emotional experiences.  My personal conclusion is that we are all prisoners of our personalities, but some of us are strong enough to carve a door in the cellblock wall.  Your father may not even perceive the need for a door.

If you are moved to pity your father's inadequecies, then by all means let yourself feel it.  It means you are a better, bigger person than he will ever be.  I wouldn't spend a moment trying to wipe that emotion out of my mind or heart.  But your pity does not give him the right to manipulate you.  He may see your emotional depth as weakness and try to exploit it.  Your job, I think, is to keep him from doing that without hardening your heart and cutting yourself off from a valuable part of your emotional life. You can be sad for him without caving in to him.  That's a tough course, but I think an honorable one.

best,
daylily

[pennyplant]

Hi Steve,

Think of this latest revelation as a preliminary one in your journey toward healing.  You will continue to have insights.  Some of the insights may be as painful as this one.  Some of what you learn may help bring you back to the idea of pitying him or having sympathy for him or some other emotion that is easier to deal with.  It takes a LOT of time, though, and a lot of soul-searching.

As hard as this is, as bad as it feels, it shows that you are on the way.  You're actually making progress.  You're figuring things out.  Just don't get stalled at this particular corner of the road.  I can say this because I have experienced feeling very nearly despondent over similar revelations and painful treatment such as you receive from your father.  But now here I am beginning to put some of it behind me.  And now it is much less of a struggle.  But it takes a lot of time.  Please, don't get discouraged.  And please let yourself feel these emotions.  Let them play themselves out, maybe in a journal as well as here.  It won't always be this way.  Eventually you will have revelations that actually feel good or at least satisfying.

Also, I bet there are other people your father does treat this way.  For me, anyway, that makes it seem LESS personal knowing that I am not the only target of this hurtful behavior.  And it does help to see that it is just not me.  Well, everybody on this board has been treated poorly by other narcissists.  There's lots of us.  And lots of stories.

My visualization is that I'm climbing out of a deep hole.  Getting closer to the light and air.  Getting stronger and so close to solid ground and the light of day.  I really feel that I won't fall back in that hole again.  Or at least not all the way to the bottom  .  Then, since I've been in that hole so long, once on solid ground I will keep seeing new places and having to get used to them.  It feels different.  But it also feels okay.  Like I'm going to be fine.  I'm positive you will be too.

Pennyplant

[Portia]

Hi Steve

Hatred is an emotion; I’m not sure myself that I could choose to feel it? If I hate something, or like it, or feel angry about it – I just feel those feelings. I can’t choose that? I can choose whether to show it or not, by words and actions.

I understand that you think he doesn’t deserve emotion; however, what you feel is what you feel. He doesn’t feel it – you do. It’s all in you. It’s not in him. You can change how you feel: it won’t affect him one iota. You can love him, hate him or be indifferent; he’ll be the same. Sorry.

I found it very difficult to be indifferent. I tried but I had too much anger in me, and sorrow. I found it helped me to simply allow myself time and space to feel everything that came up so that I could think about my reactions. Work out why I felt what I did. And what I still do!

Keep posting Steve.

[Hopalong]

Hi Steve,
Sometimes "hatred" is just a synonym for anger + pain. You may be feeling those because you have to feel them, let them move through you fully, before you're free of them.

You don't need to act them out and may need some physical distance and much less contact with your father for a while, imo....

But you're not doomed to simmer in that state forever. There's air in it. It's like fire, it consumes itself.

I'd just try to now and then "watch" yourself. See what you're feeling and just take note of it. Oh, I'm feeling such intense anger and pain and hatred for him right now. I'm breathing hard, or sobbing, or walking around all pale with my fists clenched.

Just observe these human things. And be merciful to yourself.

Nothing remarkable has to happen on the outside unless you want it to. You're growing where it counts.

Hopalong