I'm afaid I will be punished

[seasons]

del

[Plucky]

Oh seasons,
I know exactly how you feel.  That dread, that pit in your stomach, that shaky guilty dread that children get who have done something terribly wrong and are afraid to be found out and punished.    Except that we're all grown up. This should be over.  My mother makes me feel this way.

I think the best thing is what you are doing.  Little by tiny little, pull away.  There will be moments when you will make mistakes, because giving in is a longstanding reflexive habit.   Do not blame yourself.  If you let the wolf in the front door, just find a back door and slip through it.  Just as you did the other day.

Take your husband's suggestions, because if he does not really know about this feeling, he will have a healthy, normal, response.   So just follow his suggestions on how to extract yourself a little at a time, as you did the other day. 

Every little distance you get will serve you well.  An N needs constant drama.  If you are not available she will turn to others and forget about you.  Eventually the others will cut her off and you will receive a call.  Be ready with your response all decided or even written down if you need to.    Gradually she will go away.  Applaud yourself on every small victory.

My mother has finally realised that I am no longer there for her to jerk around.  Of course she still tries but every day it becomes easier not to fal into her trap.  Of course I still feel some guilt when she calls faking illness or some other drama, but the giant boulder of guilt in my stomach has become a pebble.  I can even forget for long periods of time.  Whew!   

Right now you feel awful, but in reality you have done a very a good thing.   Your sister has many people to look after her.  Now that you realise how you've been treating your H, it's time to make a choice.  People such as your sister generally outlive us all, and if they didn't, it would be a relief to some, crassly put.

Plucky

[Plucky]

Hi Seasons,
I forgot to respond to your question.  When/if she calls, let the machine pick it up.  Do not sit there and listen like a little deer in the headlights.  Turn down the volume so you cannot hear what she says, then delete it without listening.

If she calls again, do the same thing.  Again and again.  If she ever gets to speak with you or some member of your family, say that your machine has been acting up.  Act cheerful and vaguely apologetic but do not accept any abuse about it!  Well, try.

Your approach ought to be that you changed your schedule around and waited for her and then she did not show so you figured she was with one of the many other people who have offered to help her.     Tell her you are not upset that she did not show, you forgive her, no problem.

If she blasts you, allow a little pause, then say, "you sound so angry.  is everything alright with you?"  If she lists all the terrible things you have done, say, "is that what is making you so upset?  That I didn't wait for 2 hours for you to show up or phone?"   Then just leave it there.  DO NOT APOLOGISE.    If you like, you can quietly disconnect the line while she is ranting.    It is your phone, your life, your time....get it? 

When she talks, you do not have to listen. She is not saying anything you need to hear, ever.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Ignore her raving, ranting, abusing voice.  Let her be the voiceless one for a change.

Good luck
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Me too, Plucky, I'm happy (and helped) to hear your strength.

Seasons, there's a huge beautiful herd of us deer in the headlights. You're not alone.

Maybe together we will suddenly realize we have strong legs and sharp hooves and a little tin can car is no match for us.

Picture this: a hundred Bambis, and their kin, soaring...so many the car is surrounded and can't move, much less run us down. Its little horn sounds puny. We are silent but thundering.

Deer = 100   Tin can car = 0

(((Seasons)))

Hops

[pennyplant]

Dear Seasons,

You're going to make it through this--you've already started.  Like I've said before, now you will never want to go back to the old way!!

Your approach ought to be that you changed your schedule around and waited for her and then she did not show so you figured she was with one of the many other people who have offered to help her. Tell her you are not upset that she did not show, you forgive her, no problem.

I love this Plucky, forgiving the N for being inconsiderate right in the middle of N being ridiculous.   

Also, this next one is very good, concrete advice about listening to people who have healthy, normal responses.  It is hard to fight that feeling of panic in the stomach and all the what-ifs flying through the brain because of past experiences.  A healthy, normal response is one where you automatically do what will preserve your self and your boundaries.  I feel like I have been "learning delayed" in that area of my personality.  It's a little awkward learning it now, but there are many examples around us of the healthy response if we look around. 

Take your husband's suggestions, because if he does not really know about this feeling, he will have a healthy, normal, response. So just follow his suggestions on how to extract yourself a little at a time, as you did the other day.

Hoppy, I love this:

Seasons, there's a huge beautiful herd of us deer in the headlights. You're not alone.

we have strong legs and sharp hooves and a little tin can car is no match for us.

Picture this: a hundred Bambis, and their kin, soaring...so many the car is surrounded and can't move, much less run us down. Its little horn sounds puny. We are silent but thundering

It is so good to have images like these to think of when we are feeling a little weak.   

Seasons, this one came just in time for me.  Something happened with me this weekend that has brought out similar feelings.  My first instinct was to panic and give up.  This particular person I have to deal with on occasion is relentless until she wins.  I had to walk out on a job I loved because of her.  But I don't want to do it the same old way this time.  I want to at least give myself the chance to see if it can turn out with me getting the result I want and maybe throwing her for a loop this time.

Pennyplant

[write]

hey, come on.
It's not really that bad.

Your sister makes impossible and unreasonable demands upon you.

She is appreciative and kind to others, rewards their efforts. Criticises and dismisses yours.

You just saw throught the whole thing- and that you are being taken for granted and manipulated.

That's good right???

***

Whether or not you help her in the future- you have to work out what are your own healthy boundaries.

If you can see a therapist that would help you;
otherwise it's about working out how the past lead to and affects the present and learning new skills eg assertiveness, boundary-setting, self-care.

Don't feel guilty if the immediate healthy response for you is- I want some distance between us whilst i figure things out.