Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Wife, Now Mother of A Narcissist

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SheelaNaOg:
I am an survivor of an abusive narcissistic husband, and now after tearful entreaties by my daughter-in-law, I am the mother of a confirmed narcissist

So much has happened to me that it is easier and saner to say, that I have seen it all and have come to understand what happened and why.

Usually I am able to stay in the moment and be grateful for the healing path of my life after I left my marriage.

I was a sued by my narcissistic ex for three years until I lost custody of my children and lost what assets I had, to lawyers.

Eventually it came around as my ex's behaviors finally caught up to him after 11 years. He fled the country and left the children behind.

Aside from the narcissist son (whom I love) I have two other healthy children.

Now that my daughter-in-law is being treated for depression and her counselor has said that my son is narcissist,

I feel great almost overwhelming sadness, not despair, sadness.

All in all, my experiences have been that no one was/is really able to help. The only curative posture is to move away from the narcissist.

Now that I see my daughter-in-law facing the same bizarre behavior as it emanates from my son, I have had to be direct and honest.

I have given her tough advice.  Now I am Left with pain and shame (however unreasonable) that I could not protect my son

from being co-opted by his narcissist-father.

I have just reached fifty and I am tired. So tired.

Thanks for listening,

 Sheela

Carole:
As the wife of a N and the mother of a N son with two other non N sons, I understand the word "tired." I bolted from a cruise in Alaska last year because of my voicelessness and pain when having a panic attack which was a latent result of a trauma suffered from my N husband decades ago. After trying to leave him and going to what seems years and years of counseling, I came the closest ever to a divorce, but after moving to my own space, I wound up taking him back. He suffered a major depressive episode and I could not turn my back, yet again. My mixed feelings and the pain of separating directed my choice to believe his attempt to understand and change yet again. He is trying so hard that it is equally sad to witness. I believe I love him. I would hate to live without him when things are good. Waiting for the ball to drop is my life. Though after reading all the messages above and learning about NPD, I know I am truly a strong person and a very strong mother. I clawed my way through this life knowing it was not my fault. The issues were so obvious that no one would ever consider thinking it was my fault. But here I am, close to my faith, looking forward to eternal peace and hoping that the time in between will finally see my N husband finding a way to maintain his new understanding and promises to me so we may all feel happiness in our lives.

Sheela:
Dear Carole,

I appreciate you sharing your exxperience and understanding.

I sympathoize with your panic expereince, I have those from time to time, they are like flashbacks,a kind of psychic PTSD.

Does anyone, having gone though the experience ever "recover?"

I know that I still have anxieties after having been my ex's favorite catnip toy thoughout our marriage.

He still tries to "engage" me through my healthy children, but as they have entered adulthood they have become quite aware of the manipulation.

My NPD son is like his father, derisive and critical.

I have decided to accept this and for the most part, let it go.

I said, it help me to developdistance and detachment.

:orna:
I too am the exwife of a narcissistic man who has cost me thousands of dollars in order to maintain custody of our child - according to him i am the one that has deep psychological problems - i am truly scared of the damage he can do or is doing to my daughter

Sheela:
I wish I could offer you hope or relief. Do everything you can to protect your daughter and yourself, but remember that you don't have complete control, if it goes to the courts, chances are that they will not be able to discern his true NPD ature. All you can do is try your best and remember to love your daughter, even if she retains affection for her father. After living with a full-blown NPD, anyone would have "psychological problems" Nothing like a court case to boost an NPD's narcisstic supply.  I found I could do more by remaining eerily calm even when all hell was breaking loose.  NPD's feed on disturbance. That is important to remember, especially if it is (your) emotional disturbance.

Stay strong!

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