Does anyones NP Parent accuse them of having disorders?

[MissT]

When I stand up to my Nmother and tell her she is criticising me, she’s swearing at me, she’s belittling me, etc etc. She comes out with exactly the same, at one point, one time; I actually said ''this is like having a playground argument in nursery''. After reading ''Now we are six'' I know understand. I don’t say these things to her anymore because there’s no point she doesn’t listen, she just tells me it’s me and what she’s doing is all in my head. She’s also accused me of being an Alcoholic. I believe that despite my weekend clubbing/binges of my youth (I think normal) I have a very healthy attitude to alcohol. She drinks at home and phones people in drunken wallowing rages, She accuses me of being paranoid (her), self loathing (her) and lectures me on growing up (im 31!) its like she sees herself not me. This further frustrates the Adult child of an Nparent, as the worry is always there ''am I turning into my mother''. Is she telling me this? Is she trying to warn me?

I suppose only if I believe her!

AND I WON’T!!!!

The pattern continues, you start reasoning with them, ''I haven’t ...., ''when did I?....'' BANG you are slap bang in the middle of another sh*tty crazy argument being accused off all sorts. This ends with me feeling guilty and ashamed cos ive got angry and said crap things to her.

Does this happen to anyone else????

[Jaded]

MissT,

I can't speak about a Nparent, however I can tell you that having a N-boyfriend was just like having that mommy dearest of yours.  You begin the discussion very calm and collected and by the end of the full blown knock down drag out, you are doubting your version of the events.

One minute they are saying I love pizza, the next minute they are denying that they have ever taken a bite of pizza.  YIKES!!  

I seriously had to do some deep soul searching to remember what reality was.  I searched and I freggin found it and it was then that I refused to detour from reality.  I feel like the more they mess with your head the more they gain from it.  

As long as you believe in yourself and continue to do so, she can never force you to believe her insane version of reality.  

I have wondered who is worst off.  Is it worse to be raised in this mind twisting atmosphere or is it worse to be raised normally and then get introduced into this mind**cking game?

I was raised by parents who were not perfect by any definition, but I can honestly say that this man managed to do what my own parents could never do.  He managed to break my spirit.  Let me rephrase that, he managed to cripple my spirit, he broke nothing, he made my spirit stronger.  I learned a great deal about myself as I stumbled out of the daze of our relationship.  

Aren't you thankful that you have a name to go with the madness?  I sure in the hell thought that I was in hell at times.  I guess NPD could be considered hell for the ones who are on the receiving end of the wrath.

Stay strong and pity the woman who fights to freak with your mind.  Try to remember that before you stands a weak little girl trapped inside an adult body.  They lose out on so much in life.  They don't know that love is a feeling, not just a word.  Their loss, not ours!!

Jaded

[seeker]

Hi MissT,

I remember reading in a parenting book (!), "when you start arguing [with your 2-year-old], you've lost."  Here's what I do when I'm with a previous identified N:

1. The intruder alert signal goes off...beep, beep, beep.  Then when the lips start moving: OOGAH!  Incoming!!   Take cover.  Raise your invisible BS shield.  

2. Do NOT take the bait.  I repeat.  Do NOT take the bait.  
One cannot reason with irrationality.  

3. I respond with a neutral "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "Thank you for sharing that with me," "Good luck with that," or "Hmmm, fascinating."    

4. Change the subject.  If this doesn't work, repeat step #3   as many times as you need to.  Then go to the bathroom.  

5.  When all else fails, set lasers to stun.      

6. Clear.

Over and out, S.

[Argusina]

Circular arguments, gaslighting, rages and turning my words around were the hallmarks of my x N boyfriend. He could blow things out of proportion in about ten seconds!! Never have been so close to "loosing my mind" actually. He also hung up the phone after saying his piece (so I could not voice my opinion), then he'd continue by sending me 16 or so pages of insults on email as well!!  

Brrrrr..... he's posting on another board and wondering WHY WHY WHY his three wives (!) and now me, left poooor him. So unlucky huh? His first wife ran away with a scuba diver - good for her!   The second one got out after a month and the third one simply outdid him when it came to craziness (severe borderline and antisocial personality)!

[seeker]

Hi Rob & all,

I guess I'm starting to get a little squirrely thinking about all the uncertified crazies out there...

Anyway, when I read your last post here Rob I immediately thought of how common it is for alcoholics & other troublesome people to point to the anger of the other person as "the problem".  It's how they "change the subject" of what the problem is.  Once you take away their excuse, they have to dream up another one or deal with what's really going on.  Hope that helps.

It's hard to speak calmly when boiling inside.  I'm still practicing myself.  I often skip #3 of my outline and go straight to the bathroom!!    Ok, gotta go recharge the batteries on my laser...

[Tamara J]

My mother has done a really good job of turning her own brothers, mother, and her friends against her children. Or at least getting these people to believe her crap. I haven't spoken to her family in a long time and it's not for a lack of trying. They have "family reunions" every two years up in her hometown, I've been invited, but never go. I don't feel like playing "family" with people who don't really care about me anyways. Amazing because I can run into other family members from my father's side at a funeral for instance, people I haven't seen in 15 years, and they're happy as hell to see me. Not her family though. I could be standing next to my Nmother's mother, on fire, and I don't think the broad would notice. Starts to explain alot. My mother is very good at telling me that I "need help" whenever I want to work on past issues with her. She would much rather prefer me to "forgive and put it in the past". Until next time that is......

[Steph]

In my experience with my m-i-l everything is my fault. I can't even talk about all the bs she has put us thru because she has convinced everyone that I am out to get her and they immediatley shut me out if I mention anything. She is notorious for hanging up on my dh as soon as her faults are pointed out. Once she conveniently forgets about "this thing" or "that time" it just did not happen. That's the end of it. Never happened.
She begins every argument, says what she has to say and then says "This conversation is over."

The infuriating thing is that she seems to honestly believe it really is "me" or "him" or anybody but her with the problem. Once several co-workers of hers got together and left an anonymous note on her desk telling her about her hurtful, self-centered, intolerable behavior and even then she just said they must be jealous because she is the least self-centered person she knows!

[MissT]

Thanks for all the advice folks, and Seeker ive actually printed your post off and stuck it on my pinboard next to the phone...for when she next rings!!!!!!!

The next phone call with my Nmum will be interesting, since our last call (06/01/04) iIhave discovered this condition, read and read and read, been through a little shock, done some soul searching, joined this forum, talked to others of same experiances, got fantastic advice and started to feel lighter then i have ever done in years!!!!!!

Im armed and ready!

ill keep you posted!

HUGS

MissT

[simone]

I severed ties with my N-Mom 14 months ago.  Accordingly, as I began sealing off  her access to my life, she became frenzied.  
 
Her efforts to humiliate, discredit and force me back into some level of dependency upon her have been tireless, and always begin with some accusation that I have addictions to....God only knows what she thinks I'm addicted to!

I was recently told by a family friend (who I hadn’t seen since getting away from Nmom) that last year N-mom held a 2 day “retreat” where she hired a consultant to counsel her on how to deal with my “drug addiction” This invented addiction apparently forced me to embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars from her business, including burglarizing her office.  Yeah, right.  But this is what she told family, friends, etc.

She is a raging alcoholic and pill popper.  I'm brand new here, and found this page looking for help on how to find a way to visit my grandmother...since gram has been told all of the above crap.  Your situation has helped.

Good Luck!

[Anastasia]

I kinda half-laughed at this post when I read it.  I was remembering when my f'd up Nmother gave me a book called, "Accepting Yourself" or somesuch like I was the problem.
I remember when she indirectly suggested I was gay because I wasn't yet married at 27:  I am not, and only recently told her I didn't know how to respond to that one as, at that time, I was screwing anything I found attractive north of the Mason-Dixon line.  (It took me ages to grow up and become mature...but I did have some fun at one time.)
Crazy Nmother has recently accused me of being bitter, unloving, blah, blah, blah.  I just totally am able to tune her out now as she is so assinine.  I ain't buying it anymore, old lady, like I did when I was a young, beatendown kid.
Don't you KNOW you are supposed to be the whipping boy for these Narcissists yet?  You are to be one big step lower than mighty them.
Don't listen to this drivel vomited out by this toxic woman.  She is the one that has problems....remember that.  And get away from her as much as you can--she really is toxic.

[Jennifer]

If I were to write a book about my life it would be titled " IF YOU'D ONLY LISTEN, I COULD EXPLAIN MYSELF". LOL