the elderly N

[Hopalong]

Hi all,
Was going to send this update to Nbrother and then realized it'd probably be a big mistake, because in some way it might feed into their "agreement"--which someone very brilliantly identified for me two months ago, when I was being manipulated by her with her appeals to him. (But let me know if you think I should provide him this info. I just dread him rushing to town even to visit her, because he'll be staying in the house with me, of course...):
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Went to take Mom papers, clothes, etc. early this a.m.--still asleep. Went back a little while ago.

Tuesday, the day she left the hospital, she had not walked at all for nine days and it took two nurses to help her get from her bed to the door of the room and back. Weak as a kitten.

Weds: cheerful, lively, upbeat when I visited, and sounded fine when I called to say goodnight.

Today: She's up, dressed, walking on her own with the walker. (!!) And having a hissy fit. "I am not a 'patient' like these other people. BIG HUGE N-FLAG: Being SPECIAL.] I am not getting the PT I am supposed to have, etc."

I talked to the Phys Ther. He said yes, she has PT with me every day for 50 minutes, and OT every day for 50 minutes. And has exercises to work on on her own when she's in her room. Yesterday morning (her first there) we worked on standing/sitting exercises for about 20 min. until she asked to stop because she was tired. (Problem is, he gets her started and then turns his attention to the other patient in the room for a while. That's how it works. But he's not hovering and applauding. You get the idea.)

She does have stretches when she's in her armchair with nothing much happening except reading. (She also has an uneducated roommate, not her cup of tea.) Her PT is a patient, professional man who was not misrepresenting anything. It's not jail, but I'm sure she views it that way. I probably would too, just maybe without the Queen Bee effect.

Last time she was at the nursing home to recuperate she called me and said you have to come this minute because I've been discharged. I got permission to leave work, dashed over and it turned out the doctor had said "you're just about ready to be discharged" but the head nurse and SW said no, she wasn't discharged yet, they and the medical team had had no time to do their discharge team meeting and summary notes, and that was scheduled for the next morning. I explained to Mom that they needed to do their official discharge procedure first, per medical requirements. Mom said, I don't care, I am going home now and if you don't take me I'll call a cab. So they dropped the other patients and rushed to do her paperwork. They weren't very pleased but they were still very polite. That was the afternoon she wouldn't wait for me to help her into the house and went charging up the steps ahead of me and fell. I got the neighbor across the street to help me hoist her up again. Just skinned knees, but could've been worse.

I can handle her impatience, but she needs encouragement to stop blaming the nursing home people. It's nobody's fault she's had an operation and needs PT, it's life at age 95, unfortunately. This facility was her first choice and we were lucky to get a bed--they were full until the day she was ready to be discharged from the hosp.

I've popped in at irregular hours and call her several times a day and she's had someone attending to her at least half the time, she's clean, well-fed, I bring flowers, she has visitors and plenty to read, she has friends there who chat with her, everyone is friendly and polite, and her PT is right on schedule. when she's in a good mood, she talks about how nicely it's decorated and how kind somone is. When she's bored, she just doesn't LIKE it, and that means it's somebody's fault. (The PT tried to point out to her that this was 10:30 Thursday morning and he had two patients ahead of her and simply hadn't gotten to her yet.) No dice. So he dropped the others, moved her ahead in line, and he and I walked her the length of the building. (She was stumping along extremely well. I tried to jolly her out of it, told her I understood why she was frustrated because nobody enjoys being in a nursing home and recuperating, etc. and suggested she take her frustration and just turn that into energy to put into her PT. He also asked her nicely after she repeated her indignation story about five times if she could now let it go and focus on today's PT and moving forward, and she said, oh I'll handle it just fine. When I left she was muttering about the patient advocate. (Happens to be a good friend of ours. He'll be great for her to vent at, actually.  She'll have more visitors than she knows how to juggle--she did last time too.) Her grievances give her energy, so I just listen.

(She actually likes the hospital better --other than being sick--because there's a lot more attention there and you're treated with reverence by the nurses. At PT, it's more, well, we're all here together and wait your turn. Not Mom's scene.)
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That's it. I feel resentful and stressed. It's like, I have this respite when she's not here but I still feel dominated by her demands and her entitlement. Hard to relax. I go to cheer her and get an earful of fury. I'm not sleeping well. Hard to let it go but I need to. I mean, I took a long lunch to relax and here I am alone in the house with my shoulders in my ears from tension. Overeating, too. Coming down w/a chest cold.

I remember reading Vaknin or somebody talking about how it really "isn't pretty" when the elderly N's physical powers wane and they begin to realize it. I thought he was exaggerating.

Oy,
Hops

[pennyplant]

Dear Hopsy, I feel so bad for you.  We can share a cup of tea, okay?  Once when I was feeling really low, a co-worker brought me a little bag with tea in it and a couple helpful articles about just the thing I was worried about at the time.  The bag was pink flowered with pink ribbons curled around the handles.  It was just what I needed at just the right time.  How about hot tea with cinnamon and a little orange juice mixed in.  Mmmmm.

I vote for not telling your brother anything yet.  He'll just make it worse.  It's possible that over the next few weeks the nursing home staff will find better ways to deal with your mom other than rearranging each day's schedule to accomodate her.  But if N brother gets into the mix, well it won't give the staff even a fighting chance to come up with a good balance.

And you need your peaceful time at home.  There's a lot going on in your life at the moment, more than just mom.  Home can be your refuge just now.  How can you be your best self if brother is there and home becomes stressful again?  Unless she takes a turn for the worse, he doesn't really need to be there.

If you want to tell someone, well, just bring your updates to the board.  Reading them will be a learning experience for me anyway--all kinds of new N episodes and situations.  My mother might be 95 someday.  I want to be PREPARED!

PP

[Hopalong]

Thanks much, PP.
That's good advice.
I'll muzzle the urge to share her ups and downs with Nbrother, and meanwhile, hunker in and enjoy my solitude.

AND a good cuppa tea!

Hops

[moonlight52]

Hugs to you Hops
  Moon

[Hopalong]

Thanks Sugarre, Moon...
You're totally right. Thank god for this board. I decided not to volunteer a blow by blow of Mom's drama to my brother, because although he's been much nicer since my outburst two months ago, he is still not to be fullly trusted. I am so glad I posted it here instead of yielding to that impulse.

She is so worked up it's unbelievable. She has had FIVE visitors today plus me TWO times and she is talking as though she's been left alone on a mountaintop. She got one of her elderly friends to call another who is the patient advocate and would not stop ranting until they all agreed she wasn't getting the exact "treatment" she thinks she's supposed to. I know exactly what the problem was. The poor PT talked to her a bit too condescendingly (probably didn't know what he was up against)--because after all, most 95 y/o's he deals with probably DO need a little babytalk.

One WHIFF of that and my mother is ready to murder. She also told me, you know, I never 'fuss" like that but actually, I really enjoyed it.

Good god. She has me hopping and fetching and calling the nurses' station when they don't answer the bell fast enough. I do understand that people are slow and sometimes there is mild neglect but good Lord. (Her former cleaning lady, kind soul, went by to visit and said, your mother is so hopped up it's like she's on drugs, she was talking away about herself at the lunch table and one of the gentlemen said to me, and I've heard about enough of THAT...)

 

I guess it's hard being the Queen of England and not being in the castle any more.
I would feel sorrier for her, truly (I was in tears when I found out she had to have the surgery) except she's had everyone she could reach, especially me, in an uproar all afternoon. She just called me again because her nightgown is damp. I said, Mom, they have dryers there.

YAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

One mercy was one of our ministers who at least has a sense of humor. After Vespers rolled my eyes and whispered to her, But...what if she gets WELL? Instead of frowning at me she just laughed--kind. She has Mom's number too.

And the horrible truth is I absolutely dread her coming home, and at the rate she roaring it'll be a lot sooner than predicted!

(Maybe I could just check in to her room when she leaves and have a nice little rest home stay...)

Okay, thanks for letting me vent again. I'll calm down and do all I can to not let her spoil my semi-siesta.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks, TT...
I'm glad to hear a good sibling story with this issue, and your first paragraph truly nails it.
The kinks are:
1) Mom's stay IS going to be temporary unless something very drastic happens. She is astonishingly resilient and determined and has weathered every health crisis the last decade's dished out. I am virtually positive she'll be home again...and it's her house. I certainly can't prevent her.
2) Alas, my brother is also an N, a liar, was my bullying nightmare...and colludes with her to a great degree in her dramas. I feel unsafe around him so I'm afraid a loyal alliance as you describe won't be happening here.

But it did feel very good to read your story. Thanks much for sharing it!

Hops (read the "Weekends with NMom" thread for my mother-brother story--I don't want to relive the mess from two months ago so may not say much more about it right now, I just don't want to get upset again. I need to take this one day at a time.)

If I get the new job I'll feel protected!! 

[mum]

Hi, Hops!
 My therapist just told me a story about how she would visit her mom everyweekend or so when her kids were small and then cry all the way home because of the way her mom treated her.  She shared this with a professional group (other therapists) and one said to her: "wow, you sure do play a fine game of 'kick me' don't you?"

She said that moment was defining for her, as she realized that her problem with her mother was that she still, after all this time, (my T was in her fourties then) expected her mother to be different. She had never let go of WANTING her to be different, and trying everything in her power to please her mother, who refused to be pleased by her female child.

Basically, my T said, she came to a point of realizing her part in this little game....and although she did not stop going to see her mom, she did stop the "game" and no longer vested a whole lot in her mother's behavoir.  Her mom never acknowledged her, not even on her deathbed (she ignored her, turning her attention to her male children and son in law).  My T said making peace with that came much earlier, when she realized the DECISION to be upset by her mother's treatment of her was completely in her power.
This is not unlike the decision I came to regarding how much control I was willing to allow my ex to have over me.

I know you have a lot to deal with, and I hope I don't sound unsympathetic....I do understand the feeling of overwhelm you describe.  But I hope in your quiet moments that you understand that you play a part in her little play, as long as you want to. It is possible to deal with her, be compassionate toward her, but keep your own boundaries and your own happiness in the bargain.
What are those boundaries? Decide how you want things to look. Yeah, you would like her to be a non N, but I mean decide how you would like to be treated and vividly imagine it. What does it feel like to have that?

Now have a little faith, and put into action even ONE thing you can do toward that end.
Would it be, take time off of worrying (I mean how productive is it anyway?) When you are alone, she doesn't HAVE to occupy your thoughts, does she? Take 10 minutes of your life back at a time. Put the worry/problem away (physically in a drawer if you have to!!) and do something fun or self nurturing.  Pick the worry up later if you think you need to.
Ask yourself how productive this analytical obsessing about your mom and the problems she presents is. Is it productive for you?
Maybe it is in a way you haven't noticed.  Or is it hurting you?

You have your mom's number....

do all I can to not let her spoil my semi-siesta.

and your own.

She is something, man....and I am totally in awe of how patient you are as it is....
 I hope you can take back some peace for yourself, instead of giving it all away, or trying so hard to fix a situation that is truly unfixable. You are such a good person, Hops....you deserve a good life.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Mum.
I think the obsessing isn't doing me much good at all, and it's probably very tedious to read!

you play a part in her little play, as long as you want to.

This is true. I think it's a way of trying to be as kind a person as my Dad was, by showing infinite patience. (Except lately, I've discovered I'm run out.) I don't like the part, will rewrite.

It is possible to deal with her, be compassionate toward her, but keep your own boundaries and your own happiness in the bargain.

I believe you. I will have to visualize it more steadily. I am guilty of picking up the worry gene (she is a serious fretter) and running with it. I'd like to pass it back.

What are those boundaries?

I think of one...simply stop saying "How high?" when she says "jump." She keeps telling me "I need so many things". Of course she does, but her luxuries and whims are on the same level as survival.

At least tonight when she called me at 8:00 to announce that her nightgown was damp...I said firmly, Mom I prefer that you ask someone there to put it in a dryer for you, because my day started at 5:45 a.m., I have a cold and I believe I won't be coming back over there this evening.
(I am proud that I resisted the old reflex, which would've been NOT to think rationally about the urgency she was presenting, and offered a calm alternative.)

So that was good practice. I'll keep it up.

Thanks again,
Hops

[moonlight52]

Hops  Keep what is yours to keep.It seems you are so kind to everyone else.Please do give YOURSELF  that space that belongs to you.
         Get a good nite sleep
          moon

[Jona]

Hop,

When my N mother was 97 I put her in an assisted care facility.  She had ovarian cancer. 

I had been trying for three years to get her to move into one of the very nice assisted care homes near my home but she always flatly refused.  When she was 95 she had surgery to remove two large tumors.  She recovered nicely from this.  Two years later, the cancer returned and a doctor who I consider a quack gave her a chemotherapy treatment.  This put her in the hospital.  The oncologist at the hospital said she could no longer live alone and had two months to live.

I was very lucky to find a space for her in a home five minutes from where I lived.  They had full staff on duty 24 hours a day.  She had a very large room and bathroom with a little kitchen and refrigerator.  Meals were provided in the dining room.  This place was plush.  The carpet in her room was brand new and the room had fresh paint.  She had her own furniture and bed.

Now she moved into this place involuntarily and so I didn't expect her to be happy about it.  I did think she would adjust somewhat.  WRONG!!!!  The care they gave her was super.  All she did was complain.

She wanted everything done her way.  When something wasn't done her way she picked up the phone and called me.  I was working full time and had a 45 minute commute.  If I stopped by to see her after work, I got a list of complaints.  If I didn't stop by, I got a phone call.  They were'nt giving her her medicine.  She didn't get a bath when she was supposed to.  She didn't get what she ordered for dinner. Some of her clothes had been stolen.  She lost one of her hearing aids and they wouldn't look for it.  Her toaster wasn't working.  Her computer was broken and she couldn't get on the internet.  Her phone wasn't working. It was cold in her room.

I thought I was going to go stark raving mad.  I began to dread going home after work.  One day a light went off in my head.  The people at the assisted care place were being paid to care for her and they were doing a great job of it.  I decided that I was just going to let them continue doing it.  From then on, when my mother complained I just said, "Oh."  If she continued, I said, "I am not in charge here and I can't do anything about it."
I went to see her three times a week instead of five or six.  I stopped answering the phone everytime she called.

This helped by giving me some of my life back and I didn't have to listen to as many sarcastic put downs of me.  Another result was one sleepless night when she went into a rage and called me at 10:00 p.m.  It was awful and I don't want to explain it all here--too long.

The doctor was wrong.  He siad she would live at the most another two months.  She lasted for seven.

I guess the whole point of me writing this is to say that you don't have to jump at your mother's every whim.  I think your mother is very much like mine was and she can't be pleased anyway.  You know that she is receiving good care.

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((Hoppy)))))

Huge hugs to you honey.  You have so much on your plate and I think you have such brilliant advice here that there isn't much I can add.  You have so much of your dad in you, do you realise that?  From what you'd posted about your dad I can see him in you, see his behaviours in you.

I'm glad you didn't send that mail to your brother.  If you did want to send him an update you could maybe send him a few lines on how she's doing, but it's his responsibility to find out a blow by blow account of how your Mum's getting on.  It's not up to you.

I fully agree with compromising so you set some boundaries for you.  It's your life too, remember that and you are worthy of having some happiness in your life.

You take care hon

H&H xx

[reallyME]

Hello all

I have suggested this before I think, but I'm going to urgently suggest it again...please check out www.beyondtheEcho@yahoo.com.

We talk a lot about our N's here, but not enough about the flip side sometimes, the ECHO.  The person who is abused and controlled by the N, is the ECHO.  This group BeyondTheEcho, deals with Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Echos.  Please do check it out asap...

Now, my comments on a couple of posts I read today:

HOPS: At least tonight when she called me at 8:00 to announce that her nightgown was damp...I said firmly, Mom I prefer that you ask someone there to put it in a dryer for you, because my day started at 5:45 a.m., I have a cold and I believe I won't be coming back over there this evening.
(I am proud that I resisted the old reflex, which would've been NOT to think rationally about the urgency she was presenting, and offered a calm alternative.)

I am PROUD OF YOU !!!!  KEEP STANDING STRONG!  You will get better at this the longer you do it.  It takes about 30 days to form a habit, so every time N starts her crap with you, you keep DEFLECTING it, just like you did here!  WAY TO GO, HOPPY!

JONA:   I decided that I was just going to let them continue doing it.  From then on, when my mother complained I just said, "Oh."  If she continued, I said, "I am not in charge here and I can't do anything about it."
I went to see her three times a week instead of five or six.  I stopped answering the phone everytime she called.

Again, it makes me sooooooooooo happy when I see us taking back our power from these control-freak people...it's called BOUNDARIES!  Keep in mind, a boundaries does NOT MOVE unless you RE-move it or allow someone to knock it down.

~ReallyME

[seasons]

Hops,

Your great! I'm glad your finding a way to care for yourself also, we know with N's that means so many things.

((((((((hugs))))))))) seasons

[Sela]

Hi Hops:

Been reading along and I haven't much to offer of use but I do want to say that was "good practice" back there of resisting old impulses and how wonderful that you are able to see that and make changes!!  Good going!!  Keep at it!!

Also, I love this wise advice of Jona's:

you don't have to jump

  and

she can't be pleased anyway

which I think are two very important points to keep in mind.  You are not a puppet or a miracle worker so you can't make everything perfect for her or move exactly when, why, where, and how your mom demands.  It's impossible and not worth the agrivation anyway eh?

How about this too:  Imagine yourself in her shoes and think of what you would probably request (not demand, as she is doing) of your daughter and how about doing that?  I'm sure that will be reasonable and kind, Hoppy, because you are a reasonable and kind person.  Maybe keeping that idea of reasonable and kind as a sort of scale, in your mind, will help you to set and keep limits with your mom? 

((((((((Hoppy)))))))

Sela

[Hopalong]

Moon, Sela, Jona, H&H, ReallyMe, Seasons, Bean: THANK YOU.

Yup, 'I got such a charge out of that one boundary-setting moment that I'm going to keep it up. Thanks, ReallyMe. Will check out the Echo site, too (except the address looked funny?). Yodel-ay-hee-hooooo!

My brother lives halfway across the continent and his "help" isn't help, Bean...keeping him at bay is better. But anytime he wants to come and Keep the Queen Happy, he's welcome to try.

This little space of time when she's away from the house is a VERY good time for me to think of myself and start taking my life back.

I do NOT want her voice in my head from the grave, Bean! That was a chiling but very helpful warning.

Jona, I am stunned at the parallels. Your story was an amazing fit. NMom's long-lost twin. Also a sobering tale because at the rate Mom's going, she just might live to 105 (we had a friend who was still swimming at age 100)--and I'm starting to feel another 5 to 10 years of this is UNACCEPTABLE. So that's a good thought to spur me on in my resistance plans, too.

thanks everyone, for the boots in the butt. You're shoving me forward.
Love,
Hops