(((((((((((((((movinon)))))))))))))))
This too, shall pass.
It's okay to feel like crap right now. Give yourself permission.
It's okay to "give up". What to give up, though will be key.
Giving up the "fight" energy....I see that might be helpful to give up. It's what I did.
Write is dead on when she describes stepping out of the battle and out of a position of intermediary between your kids and their dads. I know it is different with smaller children, and with a known abuser. But have some faith in (something) and visualize things going well, or if not, that you will have the insight and power to protect your child in a real threat. I know you think you have "lost" but you have not. His "victory" is false, and the true test of power is in you having control over yourself and your emotions. You will get to a point where what he does will not affect you this way.
Yeah, I DO KNOW how hard this is. The INJUSTICE of it all can overwhelm. I have been where you are.
Believe it or not (I never did before), this IS your child's path, and she will walk it. You can protect her, do what is right, and not give that up, but as long as you have such an emotional charge on this "fight" and the whole 'winning/losing" thing with your ex, it will continue to hurt you. I understand this now, but when someone first presented that to me, I didn't get it. That's ok. Plant that little idea somewhere in your brain....it will grow.
I know that with an N , the "Fight" is never over, because that's what they live for (getting us upset)...but you will get to a point where you can see the big picture, and know that this is not ALL there is to your life, or your child's. And the emotional charge will be gone. And you will not feel overwhelmed, and the light of life will be what you see, not this dark injustice.
It is pretty clear already, that the "man" has no intention on being the parent he presented to the courts or his daughter, so wait it out. Stay who you are. Get happy yourself, and your children will feel happy around you.....and that feeling of acceptance and love that you give off in their presence will keep them strong. I know this. I did this. I focused on myself, and getting myself healthy.....like hops and portia say....and it WILL serve you well, as a person, and definately as a good mother.
IT WILL GET BETTER. Things will come around. It may take time....so during that time....get happy yourself. Go to counseling (I really don't think I would have come so far without it). Find out what makes you happy BEYOND your children's happiness.
It sounds backwards, but when YOu get happy, your children will see that, and know how to be happy themselves. We all know happiness is internal, but for some reason, we think we can make and keep our children happy by doing life and fixing everything for them. You just got a cosmic slap in the face, that you can't fix it. Not this way, not right now.
So take care of you.....and everything else will fall into place.
Sure things will still suck from time to time (maybe you read what my ass**** ex did to my daughter last night) but you will be able to deal sooooo much better with it and your daughter will see what a strong, focused happy woman is, and will choose that for herself. And she is young, so she will see it so much sooner that my daughter... in this she is lucky.
I protected my kids from who their dad really is for so long. I did them no favors. My son is just now seeing (when his very wealthy, hiding-his-money-overseas father) who this man is as he nickel and dimes me (and his 17 year old!!) about paying for college. But my daughter is seeing it just in time to actually make some choices for herself. This would not have happened if I had kept up "fighting" with him....over them. My energy is just not there.
Now, I know you have a just reason for concern, (your ex's past behavoir) but I truly believe (why, I don't know) that he will dissapear very soon, leaving a dissapointed but better off daughter with you. And you will teach her what love looks like. You already do. And she WILL have the strength (she learned it from you) to protect herself from him if he does not respect her.
She will do this early. Trust that she will ask you for help if needed and that she will choose not to be a victim. If you are not, she will not be.....
I wish you peace, Movinon. You deserve a good life.