wanting to give up

[movinon]

This stuff is killing me.  The judge just gave my stbxh who is abusive visitation with our 6 yo daughter.  THe part that is kiling me is that she is looking so forward to seeing him.  I heard her say how much fun she has at his house and of course he's baiting her with "surprises" when she gets there.  She asked me to take her right over there (she has an overnight tommorrow) and when I said we could not, I was the bad guy.  My son (who is his step-son) says he feels sorry for him b/c he "couldn't" visit his D.

COULDN'T??  Who says he couldn't?  He CHOSE not to see her or call her.  I'm breaking my back trying to get them to their activities and pay for everything.  It's not as fun at mom's house b/c it's not Disneyworld...we actually have "things to do".  To make matters worse, my son comes home with a bad report card.  I tell you, I'm on the verge of giving up and sending both to live with their dads.  I feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough. 

Stbxh gets to have all this time off to be with his friends and gf and do whatever then comes on the scene, lies to the judge about nearly everything, and the kids are just blown away by him.  How is this fair?  I'm tired of fighting and LOSING.

Movinon

[Hopalong]

Oh Movin,
You're exhausted right now, recovering from your battle wounds.
Be kind to yourself.
You have to rest...

Most kids get enough sense to eventually notice that constant cotton candy makes them sick...

You're a good mother and they will need you when the painful realizations ahead dawn on them, as they mature enough to see his true colors. They'll come to it on their own.

Hope you can still be there, behaving like a parent who loves them enough to set liimits.

Rest, rest, be kind to yourself. Seriously kind.

(((MovinOn)))))

[write]

come on now, you've been doing battle on their behalf- they don't understand and aren't grateful; no wonder you are hurt and exhausted.

But you wouldn't feel any better if you hadn't been doing battle either.

Maybe your attempt to set acceptable boundaries will change them/ him/ you/ others...you can't see everything as yet.

But you did what you felt was the right thing.

Trust in that.

You may remember I was in a similar place myself a couple of years ago- my ex had made life so difficult & I had a breakdown, and suddenly our son didn't want to be with me.
I decided I couldn't control or change things, to treat it as an opportunity to work on me and take care of me.
Yes I was resentful sometimes, but I decided that belonged with me, not my child.
There were weeks i barely saw him.

Two years on and he prefers to be here, complains if he has to spend too much time at Dad's, even though Dad is more indulgent in many ways- he has worked it out the differences between us for himself.
And I am sure he will be a stronger man for it all too.

I used to call his father Disney-Dad, for not making him eat at table or healthy food, for taking him from activity to activity and not restricting things or setting boundaries.

Now I realise my illness and having to back off was a gift- it made my ex accountable in a way he wasn't before. I had always assumed responsibility and 'managed' their relationship before.

And it was in seeing what life was like for our son- which for an NPD is probably as close to empathy as it gets- he has adapted and changed.

Whilst I was controlling stuff he would never have that opportunity to really get to know our son and a father role.

I'm tired of fighting and LOSING.

well maybe it's time to lose the battle analogy...and see what happens with your ex, visits, your kids etc.

And maybe time to start handing a few issues over- like bad report cards.

That's what I did but never for a moment would I compromise my values- it's taken on a momentum of its own.
If my ex crosses a boundary I tell him.
And all the stupid simple answers he would throw out from the past- based on criticising/ belittling/ spanking etc.

Nope- not good enough.

I MOVED THE GOALPOSTS and said- if you want me in your lives, you need to respect me.
It's no longer a personal battle issue.

If you can afford a therapist for yourself, now is the time to go.

[Portia]

Movinon
Maybe time for some you-time? Time for you to stop thinking about your children and him just for an hour or so. Can you do that? And do it so that your children know that you are a separate human being with needs of your own? Some activity that is totally your own. Even if it's something like taking up jogging (if you don't already). It's feeble but after Hops and Write that's all i can think of. They've given good advice. I say take your mind off everyone else just for a while and be you if you can. ((((Movinon))))

[mum]

(((((((((((((((movinon)))))))))))))))
This too, shall pass.
It's okay to feel like crap right now. Give yourself permission.
It's okay to "give up". What to give up, though will be key.
Giving up the "fight" energy....I see that might be helpful to give up.  It's what I did.

Write is dead on when she describes stepping out of the battle and out of a position of intermediary between your kids and their dads. I know it is different with smaller children, and with a known abuser.  But have some faith in (something) and visualize things going well, or if not, that you will have the insight and power to protect your child in a real threat. I know you think you have "lost" but you have not. His "victory" is false, and the true test of power is in you having control over yourself and your emotions. You will get to a point where what he does will not affect you this way.

Yeah, I DO KNOW how hard this is. The INJUSTICE of it all can overwhelm. I have been where you are.

 Believe it or not (I never did before), this IS your child's path, and she will walk it. You can protect her, do what is right, and not give that up, but as long as you have such an emotional charge on this "fight" and the whole 'winning/losing" thing with your ex, it will continue to hurt you.  I understand this now, but when someone first presented that to me, I didn't get it. That's ok. Plant that little idea somewhere in your brain....it will grow.

I know that with an N , the "Fight" is never over, because that's what they live for (getting us upset)...but you will get to a point where you can see the big picture, and know that this is not ALL there is to your life, or your child's. And the emotional charge will be gone. And you will not feel overwhelmed, and the light of life will be what you see, not this dark injustice.

It is pretty clear already, that the "man" has no intention on being the parent he presented to the courts or his daughter, so wait it out. Stay who you are. Get happy yourself, and your children will feel happy around you.....and that feeling of acceptance and love that you give off in their presence will keep them strong. I know this. I did this. I focused on myself, and getting myself healthy.....like hops and portia say....and it WILL serve you well, as a person, and definately as a good mother.

IT WILL GET BETTER. Things will come around. It may take time....so during that time....get happy yourself. Go to counseling (I really don't think I would have come so far without it). Find out what makes you happy BEYOND your children's happiness.
It sounds backwards, but when YOu get happy, your children will see that, and know how to be happy themselves. We all know happiness is internal, but for some reason, we think we can make and keep our children happy by doing life and fixing everything for them. You just got a cosmic slap in the face, that you can't fix it. Not this way, not right now.
So take care of you.....and everything else will fall into place.

Sure things will still suck from time to time (maybe you read what my ass**** ex did to my daughter last night) but you will be able to deal sooooo much better with it and your daughter will see what a strong, focused happy woman is, and will choose that for herself.  And she is young, so she will see it so much sooner that my daughter... in this she is lucky.

I protected my kids from who their dad really is for so long. I did them no favors. My son is just now seeing (when his very wealthy, hiding-his-money-overseas father) who this man is as he nickel and dimes me (and his 17 year old!!) about paying for college. But my daughter is seeing it just in time to actually make some choices for herself. This would not have happened if I had kept up "fighting" with him....over them. My energy is just not there.

Now, I know you have a just reason for concern, (your ex's past behavoir) but I truly believe (why, I don't know) that he will dissapear very soon, leaving a dissapointed but better off daughter with you. And you will teach her what love looks like. You already do.  And she WILL have the strength (she learned it from you) to protect herself from him if he does not respect her.
She will do this early. Trust that she will ask you for help if needed and that she will choose not to be a victim. If you are not, she will not be.....

I wish you peace, Movinon. You deserve a good life.

[Brigid]

movinon,
I very much agree with what the others have said.  Even Disneyland gets old after awhile, and what kids ultimately need and want is stability, boundaries, guidance and love.  If you continue to model those things for your children, while working to get yourself in a healthy, happy and emotionally strong place, things should work out in the long run.

I agree that if you do not in any way enable the relationship between your stbx and your daughter, nor try to fight it (assuming no abuse is taking place), he will return to his old ways and show very little interest in nurturing that relationship.  The one thing I flat out refused to do from the day my ex walked out was to help him rebuild what he had destroyed with his children.  I had enabled him to look like a good dad for their whole lives, but was unwilling to play that role anymore.  During the last 2 1/2 years, the three of them have figured out what they will do and when and how he fits into their lives, without my interfering in any way.  I will not help him look like a good dad, nor discuss his shortcomings with his children.  They had to learn how unreliable he is and he had to learn that they don't tell you everything.  The only time I would step in would be if I learned he was lying to them about something important.  Certainly possible from someone who lives by lying, but so far not something I have had to do.

I agree that they are learning life lessons from this experience and it will make them stronger in the long run.  However, I realize your daughter is much younger than my children were when their dad left, so your need to protect and defend is going to have to be greater.

Have faith that your children will eventually see who the parent is that they can depend on.  I really recommend some good therapy for you to work through the frustrations and anger and ultimately find a place of healing.  This can only be good for everyone concerned.

Hugs,

Brigid

[movinon]

Hops, Write, Peace, Mum, Brigid - Thank you for responding.

I am currently in therapy - though she is out of town this week.  And I needed to hear from you all that I need to rest.  I have been so tired lately - trying to be everything to everyone and still fight the good fight.  I'm conciously trying to STOP thinking about any issues regarding him for set periods of time.  If he comes into my mind in any shape or form, I tell myself, No, I'm not going there and think about something else.  THis has helped - THanks Portia.

but I truly believe (why, I don't know) that he will dissapear very soon, leaving a dissapointed but better off daughter with you.

- Mum, I hope and pray!!!!   I do have that feeling as well.  It will be important for me to "stay on my side of the street" as much as possible.  When he realizes his pitiful little life is not going as he expected and the inner turmoil becomes too much, he will go searching...especially if his own D starts to get out of the "honeymoon" phase with him and begins to stand up to him.  I don't know though.  THey're like 2 peas in a pod.

When she comes home to me, she can be very mean to me in her tone and the way she speaks.  I give her a time out and tell her why that is disrespectful.  SHe doesn't seem to do this to her dad.  Or maybe she does and he just takes it.

I hear that time will heal this and I know I am feeling impatient right now.  I hope that I have all the tools to give her so that she can use them to protect herself when she is with her dad.

Movinon

[mum]

Movinon. I want to respond to the stuff about your daughter's behavoir when she comes home from being with him. My kids are older, and now are not so influenced by his energy, but when they were younger (and even now sometimes it manifests in a different way)  I always was aware of a "transition" time when they came back.

I see this as a  "trying out" of the kind of energy they feel and behavoirs they see over at his house.  They are safe with me. They know I keep healthy boundaries... so they try stuff out, to sort of "check in". When I would call them on it, although they might seem to object, they really were LOOKING for the feedback....as if to say: "this goes on a dad's, is it really ok?"
And there is reassurance in knowing what behaviors ARE and are NOT acceptable. They know this. They are checking in with YOU, the barometer, the one they CAN count on.

Doesn't make for a very glamorous job, though, does it? Well, none of us went into motherhood for the popularity!!

My kids used to come back from dad's and fight. Really mean stuff. It's like they were letting it all out, the negativity and tension they had to take in and bottle up at his house. They would call each other names, and when they were younger, even HIT each other (which is unnacceptable in my house....and frankly, didn't come up that much!!! I guess I have a more peaceful home...). I would lay down my boundaries again and again and they would actually say: what's the big deal, we are just "play fighting" we do it at dad's.....  And the freaky thing was, it was many times my SON (who is now a very respectful 17 year old) who would bully his sister (just like Dad's treatment of women).
I would tell them it's unnacceptable, mean spirited and to stop, I don't care what dad accepts.  And it would stop, after my broken record, of course.

SO stick to your guns, the kids are LOOKING to YOU to show them what love is. Never forget that, and don't despair. And don't worry if your daughter is spunky and  just a little strong headed.....mine is, and now it is coming to serve her well.
Just keep doing the right thing. And the right thing is never the easy thing.

[Hopalong]

Hi MO,
I was upset about my D's anger when she'd come home from her Dad's.

Then a children's therapist I knew said children usually let their anger out with the parent they feel safest with.

That helped.

Hops

[reallyME]

Hops, GREAT RESPONSE!

write, where have ya been?  missed ya

~ReallyME