Very Confused After Confrontation

[steve]

Hello all:

I finally did it. I confronted my father. I told him how all my life I felt that I never measured up to his expectations. That i felt that everything I did was not good enough for him. That I always felt like I was to succeed and not succeed because I was not meant to be better than him. How I felt that he always compared me to others and found me wanting. That how he always tried to compete with me and make me feel like he was superior. I told him how he treated me like his possession and never showed me respect like a person.

Fine. But he started crying in the exchange and this is a man I have never seen cry before. He said that I misunderstood him and that he was always proud of me. How he always bragged about me to his friends. I told him that he could have told me once, just once, that he was proud of me. But he did not seem to understand this concept.

The reason that I am confused is that I think he wanted to be a good father but really did not know how. He basically treated me like his dad treated him and his dad was a real piece of work.

So I am thinking. Do I blame him for screwing me up. Because he truly did screw me up. Or is it all my responsibility because I gave him too much weight in my self-esteem. I don't know. I feel like crap because I hurt him. But I know that he hurt me continuously throughout my life.

One side of me wants to protect him and help him because I feel sorry for him.

The other side of me despises him and hates him for all the hurt he has caused me.

I just don't know how to get over this. I thought the confrontation would help me but it just seems to be making things worse. This confrontation happened 2 weeks ago btw.

Can anyone out there offer me some suggestions. I really need some advice and quickly. Thanks,

Steve

[Hopalong]

Hi Steve,
The confrontation sounded honest.
Your dad's pain doesn't mean your pain doesn't count any more.

You can forgive him, if you want to. That doesn't mean you don't hold him accountable...it just means you see him as human, and you decide to go to a place within yourself where you're no longer harmed by bitterness.

I think you both were honest, and in time, you may be glad you had the courage to tell him how you felt. I raged at my very elderly mother recently, and a lifetime's hurt came out. It felt awful, as did the aftermath for a week or so. But our relationship shifted. There is less indifference. I can't unring the bell, nor can you.

This sounds wise to me, and is probably pointing you to emotional freedom:

I think he wanted to be a good father but really did not know how. He basically treated me like his dad treated him and his dad was a real piece of work.

I'm thinking you are giving yourself an impossible choice here:

So I am thinking. Do I blame him for screwing me up. Because he truly did screw me up. Or is it all my responsibility

What about if neither answer works because blame doesn't work? What about if you both are men in a culture that doesn't show men how to love, that puts terrible pressure on sons and fathers to read silence and sarcasm and try to find crumbs of affection in repressed and contorted communication that was simply the only tool they knew? Maybe it's no help to blame him, or to blame yourself.

You're both just human beings, trying to cope with the cards you got dealt.

Ultimately, I reallly believe that reality and honesty are gifts, even when they're painful to hear.
If you still have love for your father, you can still tell him that, too.

Maybe there could be a new chapter for you.

You did fine, Steve. You took a big clog of pain and did your best to deal with it. Life is slippery and your father's tears threw you a curve...but maybe that's a good thing. Either/or, his fault/my fault...those tidy answers are too small for the big howls of the heart.

Be easy on yourself. Walk gently with yourself a while. Ask yourself gentle questions. Rest.

Any of that help?

Hops

 

[tryingtocope]

Hi Steve,

I alternate between feeling rage at my mother and feeling sorry for her.  When I discuss my situation with my T she always asks me what it is I can do to take care of myself.  I don't always know the answer.  I believe though that the first step in healing is owning my pain.  The way my mother has treated me over the years has been very painful and I believe alot of my struggles are directly attributable to the way she treated me.  But knowing this doesn't take my pain away.  I still feel the pain and my priority now is learning how to take care of myself so I am not raging, panicking etc.  Some of the things I do to ease my pain are journaling, reading this message board, going to my T, and trying to eat right, skating with my kids, and researching information that may be helpful to me on the internet.  I'm trying to pay attention to what I am doing when I am feeling good so I learn to do that more, and what is it I am thinking when life is very painful for me so I can learn to change the way I think.  Maybe therapy would help, or if you aren't comfortable with that do you have a friend you can talk too.  If you read through the posts you will occasionally find someone recommending books that have helped them.   Sometimes when I'm in pain or feeling rage I will go to a movie, just to give my mind a break for a while.  Other times when my mind just won't stop, I'll get one of my audio books out and listen to it.  There are times I need to sit with my pain and try to process what I'm feeling.    You were very courageous to confront your father.  Take care.  TTC

[pennyplant]

Yes, Steve, I'm pretty amazed at the reaction you got from your father.  I guess I would have expected defensiveness or rage such as Bean mentioned.  To me this possibly means there is more going on in there with him than previously anyone would have thought.

My question--how come you would like to know what to do as quickly as possible?  Is there an external deadline of some sort or is it that your feelings now are very uncomfortable and you want to feel better than this?  It is true that these kinds of major changes in relationships actually don't feel good at all while you go through them.  Sometimes that's how I guage whether I'm heading in the right direction or not.  If it's not easy then maybe it is exactly what is needed.  It is very hard to live in the aftermath of standing up for yourself if you have rarely or never done so before.  With me, I have felt odd at the very least, but also scared, depressed, selfiish.  I have to keep telling myself, all you did was stand up for yourself, all you did was value yourself on an equal basis with other people, all you did was be an adult instead of a child.  Sometimes I have to really boost myself with messages like that.

Have you seen or talked with your father since the confrontation?  That can be hard to approach someone after something so difficult.  Do you know where he is at with this right now?

I believe there will be a way to go forward from here.  Mostly I believe this because you probably won't ever want to go back to the way things were before.  Even as hard as this is right now.  To have the truth out there now--it can never be put back and it shouldn't be.  I had an experience last year where I told the truth about something I had done.  It was painful.  But from my perspective of 8 months later, I have to say I'm glad it came out the way it did.  It was truly for the best even though it was very painful.  It was a chance to grow, for all involved.

Like Hops and Bean said, be easy with yourself and take your time.  Also, I have done some of the things TTC recommends and they have helped me too.

It took a lifetime to get to this point and it won't heal in only a few weeks.  And healing won't come all at once.  It will come in stages.  I think that what you did will lead to healing for both of you.

Pennyplant

[moonlight52]

Hi STEVE  He is the parent no matter what .It is not your responsibility to parent him.My N dad cried as well when I CONFRONTED him .You will have to wait and see if his actions change that will be the key.
You are honest and brave wait and see how your adult words have effected your Dad see how adult he is .Hopefully if he is feeling
what you are looking for,his actions and words will show you soon.But for now you are the man of the hour ,hold
onto that fact . You have nothing to blame your self for .Please let yourself feel the weight of being the parent to him fall from your shoulders .Your DAD is the parent. Let him cry a little. He should think about things .Maybe it will help him those tears.Do not blame yourself please.You have shown your true self. That is what being a wonderful man is all about! YOU ARE SO BRAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe your Dad has begun to understand .... Steve has he been more understanding and open with you since "the confrontation"?

Moonlight

[Hopalong]

Hmmmm.
Storm, my last N-ex-bf cried buckets whenever confronted with anything about how I was hurt.
He bawled so much I could never get a tear in. But he was N to the core.

Hmmmmm...
might be that's what's going on. Certainly another possibility.

Steve...tell us what you see, when you see it, OK?

Hops

[steve]

Hello all:

I feel so foolish. Like such a sucker. I fell right in to his trap. It was all a ploy. Perhaps the tears were real and he did feel bad at that moment. But it was totally short lived. The same behaviors began again. The lack of respect continues and our relationship is ice cold.

Maybe he doesn't mean it.

Maybe he thinks he loves me.

But he can not treat me like a person. I continue to be his possession and the limit of our relationship will only be as far as I continure to let him use me.

I am so tired of this. I have tried so hard to do things for him. Take care of him. Feel his pain and suffering.

I have no more to give. My initial intuition was right again. He is a pure narcissist who cares not about others as long as he fullfills his own needs and desires.

I was even hoping perhaps for an apology. Eventually I was looking for a caring glance.  In the end all I can wish for is not to be used.

[moonlight52]

Hi Steve   My Dad is also a N the key after your confrontation was the actions of your dad. My n dad cried as well.You are not a sucker .
You are the lucky one.A n-dad  feels mostly  anger or fear. So there you are .We have our answer.Time to think of you.
He really only can think of himself and that is sad for him.I know it hurts. Steve believe me I know.STOP doing things for him he will be fine.How about what you owe yourself?You are tired cause you are feeling your pain and taking on his pain as well.
Hey Steve I got an apology from my n dad it was not worth the air .Yep, I am looking not to be used or my children not to be used
I understand steve...........................
I AM SO GLAD YOU CAN FEEL SO DEEPLY AND CAN CARE SO MUCH !WHAT A GREAT GUY YOU ARE!
Moon

[daylilyasguest]

Hi Steve,

I haven't read the other replies yet, so pardon me if I am repeating what has already been said.  But I feel pretty strongly about this issue, and I wanted to post in the limited time that I have right now.

Everything you feel is right.  Yes, he did screw you up, and yes, it is your responsiiblity because you are your responsibility.  Yes, he probably wanted to be a good father, and yes, he didn't know how.  Yes, he loves you, and yes, he hurt (and continues to hurt) you.

It's a testament to your strength and your growth that you confronted him.  It's also a testament to him that he finished the conversation.  Think about it:  He sat there and listened to you say that he did everything wrong.  He had the grace to cry because he hurt you.  That may not result in long-term change, but it's something.  I think you will find many people here who never got that much from their parents.  I certainly know I didn't.

Am I saying you should forgive him everything?  Absolutely not.  But it's not an either/or situation.  This is not something you can "clear up" and get beyond.  It will haunt you and affect you for the rest of your life.  I hope that it will push you in your own life to say what might be left unsaid, to give what might be withheld, to be generous with your love and regard.  Not necessarily to him, but to those whom you have chosen to bring into your life.  If you can find it in yourself to show him what he couldn't and didn't show you, then so much the better for you.  But it is not necessary, and sometimes it is just asking too much.

The final answer, I think, lies not in explaining how you got the way you are, and whose fault it is, but in making yourself the person you want to be.  That is why I drive 600 miles a week to visit my mother, who is sick and impaired and doesn't always know who I am.  It's not really for her benefit, though I think it helps her.  It's because when it is all over--and it will be over sooner than I care to admit--I want to be able to look in the mirror and call myself what I am without recoiling.  I want my generosity of spirit to triumph over her cramped, damaged personality.  I want to be my own person, not the person she made me.  And the person I want to be recognizes that, in addition to all the nice things St. Paul said about love, there's one he left out:  Love is imperfect.  Only your father can know whether he loved you to the full extent of his ability.  Certainly he didn't give you everything you needed.  But maybe it's enough to know that he tried.  It may be all you're going to get from him, anyway.

I think you've taken your confrontation with your father about as far as you can.  It may be time to confront yourself.  Knowing what you know, how can you overcome the deficiencies you see?  How can you give yourself what you were not given?  That's the real work, Steve, as I think you know.

I wish you peace.

Best,
daylily

[moonlight52]

Hi Steve and Daylily    I have rethought my 2st post .I think I was posting from reliving the moments of my "confrontation" and high hopes with my n dad and all that stuff.Yes daylily you are right where can the blaming get you.
It has to stop some where .I thank you .Steve listen to daylilys fine words as I will.OK.So many of the questions I have been asking myself have been answered in your post daylily I am thanking you again.
Moonlight

[moonlight52]

HI STEVE           I am learning right along with you.
                                              Moon

[steve]

I went in for round 2.

I told him that he doesn't treat me like a person. That he looks at me like his possession. It all had to do with a few tasks he wanted me to do. I said, look, can't you ask me instead of ordering me.

His reply was: That I am looking at it wrong. That he looks at it like he is my father and there is nothing wrong with what he says. I said that that demeans me. He has no clue.

Again it is ME that misunderstood. He said that I hurt him deeply. He doesn't realize how hurt I am. Then he started to throw some insults. I decided to end it there.

I am fuming at this point. I feel bad too. But in a way I do feel more powerful.

Maybe soon I too will have a VOICE.

Steve

[pennyplant]

Steve,

I have to tell you that you have guts and a voice.  How do you make yourself go in there and say these things to him?  I am so far from being able to do that with ANYONE that I have trouble with, that I can't even explain to myself why I would want to do it.  It seems to me that it  must be part of the healing process for people and it just seems foreign to me.  I have no earthly idea how to conceive of confronting someone.  I have responded to people who have triggered me.  And a lot has come out, sometimes in an ugly way.  And I have written to people about how their behavior has effected me.  But I have never been brave enough to even think of what I would say out loud or to who and on my terms and my time table.  I can't even get my mind around it for myself.

You are amazing to me.  Any of our board members who does this is amazing to me.  I can't ever imagine doing this myself.

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Steve,

I meant to include in my above comment--I'm responding to the whole concept of what you're doing with your father--but I especially feel happy for you that you are coming out of this feeling powerful in spite of how difficult and confusing the whole thing is.  You're holding your head up.  I'm so impressed with this.

PP

[steve]

Penny:

You think it is easy for me. Do you know how many years it took me to do it.

I did not include the whole conversation because some of it was so bizarre I could not believe my ears.

He truly believes that I am totally mistaken. He thinks that he was a wonderful father and I misundetrstood him. The problem is that I understood him all too well.

It reminds me of the man who cheats on his wife and when he is caught he says, you are crazy. You have heard this a million times.

How pathetic!

Steve