Hi new here and really need some advice

[Anonymous]

My therapist has told me that my husband in without a doubt a narcissist, that he will never change, and if I continue to stay with him, I will likely become a very bitter woman.  Without going into a lot of detail, my therapist, who I have been seeing now for over a year, is a phd with 30 yrs experience, said that my husband has emotionally raped me and left my self-confidence in very poor shape.  After coming out of denial and the fairyland that I've been living in and coming to grips with this reality,  I don't know how to leave my marriage of nearly 10 yrs.  We have young children together and that adds to my difficulty in deciding to leave.  

While I feel very sad and also mad at myself for not seeing things more clearly earlier on in our relationship, I also feel very guilty and even ashamed for wanting to leave.  I feel that I will be unable to cope, will have to deal with the rage that will ultimately come from him, and that a I somehow will miss him terribly and will have made a huge mistake.  

It's also difficult living with someone who emotionally abuses you in such subtle ways that you know something as happened but can't always put your finger on it at the moment.....and then acts as if you're the center of their world.  

I guess I'm just looking for any thoughts anyone may have that makes it easier to leave or how to go about doing what you know in your heart you need to do.  Thanks. KT

[seeker]

Hi KT,

Welcome to the board...it's a nice place to come and breathe.

First of all, it sounds like you are just now coming to grips with your therapist's opinion about your husband of 10 years.  That, in and of itself, is something to grapple with.  I don't know what to make of the very harsh terms your therapist phrased it in.  If this truly reflects the level of emotional abuse you are subjected to, then you need first to find a safe place to think things through and PLAN.  

If things are relatively palatable right now, you may want to slow down and take it one step at a time, if you are not in any physical danger.  If you are, get yourself a lawyer quickly and educate yourself immediately.

But I hear a hint of ambivalence in your post.  I just got back from the bookstore (dealing with elder issues) and noticed a new book by Nina Brown called "Loving the Self-Absorbed" a sequel to her other fine books.  At the very least, you will need to learn how to set boundaries in a neutral and self-respecting way.  Plus, you'll want to protect your children from any verbal abuse...

As you read through the other threads, you'll also notice that leaving is only one option and/or piece of the puzzle.  Even if you leave, you'll want to continue to work on yourself so you don't get drawn into another similar situation!  

Other folks here have more experience in this situation than I, but I wanted to welcome you aboard.  Good luck with your quest. S.

[write]

I find myself in the same situation, in fact I sought out therapy because I was becoming very bitter at being unfulfilled.

But I am taking any decision-making very slowly, no more knee-jerk reactions for me.

Having children means what you decide affects them, and in my case that and work are the only arenas my partner functions anywhere 'normally'.
It's different if N is acting out his narcissism on children though: they deserve to develop their own special personalities free from criticism or distortion.
But my experience is many Ns are good fathers to their children- except that the wife does almost all the work- probably because ill-treating the children would galvanise the woman into action against him? Also they like the children to think they are marvellous, and most children are pretty savvy these days.

Anyway, it's your journey, find your way through it. There are many of us doing the same, a step at a time.

[hope2003]

I have read your post, and I understand how difficult it is to make a decision to leave.

I was in your shoes about 1.5 years ago.  I have two small kids, now 3.5 and 4.5.

I agree that you need to plan an exit strategy very carefully, and probably consult an attorney first.

I wanted to respond to your comment about missing him, regrets, etc.  I just wanted to let you know that despite the fact that the divorce process with an N is a total nightmare, it has been incredibly validating.  All of the crazy behavior that you used to have to process on your own, is now out there for lawyers, judges, cutody evaluators and others to witness.  My husband has been such a jerk, that I don't regret my decision to leave for one minute.  

Yes, it is hard on the children, but so is having a mother who is dying a slow emotional death.  I now am able to admit how much I disliked my husband, and how afraid I was of his next outburst.

Good luck.

Hope

[write]

you give us hope!

You are right in putting the behaviour 'out there': N soon shows true colours for the minutest frustration.

In my house today N spent the whole day in bed through drinking too much the night before.

When I poured a glass of wine tonight his face was like thunder, he was literally purple, I should have taken a photograph of his angry set face.

Of course, kids and work think he was SICK.

Never for a moment do the double standards hit him.
That's what other people spot quicker than we did.