I haven't heard a thing from my mother in about a month (called to let me know that there might be something wrong with one of my former pets) and before that, she had not spoken to me since the end of January.
She and I had a major falling out over her treating me like slave labor while she had elective knee surgery and she threw tantrums and called me heartless and cold when i expressed anger and resentment over her forcing me to be her caretaker.
She just called me.
She called because she wants me to do her taxes.
My first thought after she asked me, was "WOW - she has some nerve expecting me to agree to this after all that has happened!"
I am not a tax specialist, but for the last couple of years, i used Turbo Tax, and did her taxes as well (for free). I bought the program myself and used it for my/DH's taxes, then went to her house and spent hours inputing all of her crap (she is retired, has stocks and bonds and such) so it isn't easy, but it isn't hard- you just follow along with the program.
My mom refuses to become computer literate;she is only 61 and knows how to do some things, but really just doesn't like computers. She could do the program herself, in spite of that, and she is not poor, so she could afford to go to H&R Block or some other place to prepare her taxes.
But it is easier and cheaper to ask me.
Even tho she has treated me like crap, never aplogized for it, and feels like I am the evil, heartless person in all of this.
I was nice, but reserved.
I told her that I had to think about it and would get back to her.
I thought about the whole mess the rest of my workday, wrote out what I wanted to happen, boundaries, etc. to try to organize my thoughts.
I decided that I was not going to do her taxes. I would give her options if she didn't want to do them by hand, but I was not comfortable doing them.
I didn't want this hanging over me all weekend, (she called me this past Friday) so I decided I would do it when I got home from work. I re-read my notes, and right before I called, I dug out my mini cassette recorder, and put the phone on speaker phone so I would have a record of exactly what was said, and proof that I was NOT having a "tone" or being unreasonable, something I have been accused of in the past by her.
So I called her, told her that I didn't feel comfortable doing her taxes and didn't think that she needed me to do them, explained how easy Turbo Tax is to use, but that getting someone to do them (professional) was probably tax-deductable, and that I just didn't think that involving me at this point was a good idea.
I did NOT have a tone - I listened to the tape afterwards and I actually sounded slightly scared and apologetic...
I said that I didn't think it was time to discuss all of this yet, and that I needed more time.
She was very angry. She said that it was obvious that I did not want to have anything to do with her, that I had had plenty of time to talk to her and that she hadn't asked me for anything since she got out of the hospital in January, when I helped her for a week and two days (notice how she had the amount of time precisely - she probably was logging my time just like a worker).
I told her that no, I was not asked, I was made to help her because of her stubboness and lack of foresight and ignoring the doctor's orders. That the expecting me to do things for her was exactly one of the main reasons for this discord, and that I felt that she didn't think of me as anything more than a tool to be used, and that she is intitled to my help no matter what. That I was not ready to discuss any of this right now, because I was still trying to come to terms with the idea that she would never see me as an adult and treat me with respect and I was at a loss on how to deal with having a relationship with her based on her treating me that way.
She said all of that was phony balony and I have had plenty of time to get over it and that as far as she was concerned, she was tired of trying to reach out to me and getting slapped in the face every time.
I told her that she has never reached out to me, that she only called me because she wanted something from me, and that was not trying to fix anything - it was just the same old song and dance all over again. That she has never apologized for her treatment of me, never admitted that she had one bit of responsibility in all of this and that her expecting me to do work for her was shocking and unrealistic under the circumstances.
She accused me of cutting her off (which isn't true, since I was obviously still taking her calls and being nice to her, just refusing to be her workhorse anymore) and then said that she thought that she would just call up DH's mother, and tell her how awful both of us were and how I had done the same thing to her that had been done to DH's parents. (we cut them off almost 2 years ago; DH's choice and had intensive therapy to deal with it). This was said as a childish attempt to hurt me, since she was the one that I vented to during the in-law troubles, and she said this to hurt me - I ignored it, but listening to the tape later, it chilled me to the bone that something that I shared with her in confidence and trust would be flung into my face as a means to hurt me.
She said that she was through with trying to fix things, and that her asking me to do her taxes was trying to reach out to me and that maybe because I could have come over we would talk and work out everything. She wasn't going to put herself out there anymore, so it was time for her to just move on and stop letting me hurt her and that she was through with me.
She said that I didn't want her in my life, that I didn't want a mother, didn't want a friend and that she believed I didn't know what I wanted.
I told her that I was a 33 year old woman and didn't need a mother, and that she had never treated my like a friend. She got really nasty saying "oh, well maybe one day you figure it out" in a nasty, sarcastic way.
I told her that what I wanted was an adult relationship based on respect, but that she was never going to listen to me. She kept yelling over me, calling me names and refusing to listen and then I realized that I was getting drawn into defending myself again, so I stopped, said that it was pretty obvious that she wasn't going to listen to me, so I wasn't going to fight with her anymore, said "goodbye" and hung up. She was in the middle of saying "And one more thing..." when I hung up on her.
She called back, and I turned off the answering machine. She hung up after about 20 rings, and didn't call back.
I had my DH listen to the tape, and he thought I held my own really well, wasn't nasty, sounded pretty calm and trying to get my point across, but that my mom went on the attack almost immeadiately. He was really impressed that I hung up on her...
I know that she is probably more angry with me than she has ever been. I figure that if there is anything of mine over at her house, she has probably destroyed it, or will throw it out shortly. (I had some odds and ends, that I will probably miss, but will have to chalk up to lost causes now... a broken ring that she kept saying she would take to get fixed, a small dresser that was buried out in her garage under HER junk that I kept forgetting to go get...). I really feel like she is not ever going to hear anything I say. I'm prepared for her to cut me off, but I will still talk to her if she calls, unless it is nasty. I will keep it polite, but I'm not backing down anymore. It is really scary how she is creating her own reality of events and such - things are completely different in her mind; but then she would need to delude herself in order to make herself look like the good guy in all of this.
I am not saying I acted perfectly in all of it, but I have apologized for my bad behavior, my lack of patience, my angry outbursts... I can admit when I have done wrong and try to fix it - something that my mother will never be able to do - even if it costs her a relationship with her daughter.
I hate that she is like this, but I actually feel pretty proud of myself for not caving into her.
I feel sad, but this confrontation was a long time coming, and needed to happen...
